Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

It's not what you say its the way that you say it............
Council Complaints. (Council housing in the UK is assisted or low-rent housing for the not-so-rich folks)

To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words......these are genuine clips from council complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path?  My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his c**k wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp.  We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2

[armaghniac]

One thing about the "yuku" emails about the old board is that you can see the old Corny One for a Friday thread

http://gaa96383.yuku.com/topic/923


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

[offtheground]

Advance apologies to those that are easily offended.......



After success in the Junior UK Hide n' Seek chamionships, Shannon Matthews will now try her luck abroad by taking on current European chamion Madeleine McCann.

[illdecide]

Subject: Know who your friends are



Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.

[illdecide]

Three Irishmen and three Englishmen are travelling by train to a
football   match in London. At the station, the three English each buy a
ticket and   watch as the three Irish buy just one ticket between them.

'How are the   three of you going to travel on only one ticket?', asks
one of  the English.   
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the Irish. They all board the train.

The English take their respective seats but all three Irish cram into a
toilet and close the door behind them. 
Shortly after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect
the tickets.   
He knocks on the toilet door and   says, 'Ticket please.' The door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
conductor takes it and moves on. 
The English are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they
decide to copy the Irish   (like always!) on the return trip and save
some money.   When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for
the return trip... 
To their astonishment, the Irish don't buy a ticket at all !!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed English.

'Watch and learn...'   says one Paddy. 
When they board the train the three Irish cram into a toilet and soon after
the three English pile into another nearby. The train departs. 
Shortly afterwards, one of the Irish leaves the toilet and sneaks across to
the toilet where the English are hiding. 
He knocks on the door and says, 'Ticket please...'   
SWEET

[illdecide]

Making a baby. This is hilarious!


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

[Onion Bag]

What's the difference between Heather Mills and Northern Rock?


One has £25 million, is on its last legs and f_cks old people for their savings.

The other is a Building Society.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ringo Starr says to paul Mccartney "do you think you will ever go down on one knee again paul"


Paul Replies -" we are divorced now and i would prefer it if you called her Heather".

[gerry]

Lucky that family left their home in Farnborough for the weekend before the plane crashed into it.

But its a shame they left the landing-lights on

[Hoof Hearted]

thought i set a new lovemaking record of 61 minutes on saturday night past - then the wife informed me the clocks went forward

[offtheground]

Two cops on patrol by a beach see a woman approaching people, mostly youths with ghetto-blasters, and she appears to be exchanging small packages for money. They suspect that she is dealing drugs, so they set up an undercover operation. The younger of the cops gets a radio and sunbathes on the beach.

The woman finally approaches him, and offers a deal. He returns to the second cop, who asks why he didn't arrest her. And the first cop says, 'She wasn't selling drugs. She was selling batteries.' And the second cop says, 'You mean, batteries for your radio?' And the first cop says, 'Yes. She sells C cells on the sea shore.'

[longball]

Advance apologies to those that are easily offended.......



After success in the Junior UK Hide n' Seek chamionships, Shannon Matthews will now try her luck abroad by taking on current European chamion Madeleine McCann.

undefeated world champion osama bin laden 

[illdecide]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole when
> a stranger carrying a new golf bag called out to them,
>
>
> "Hey! Do you guys mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
>
>
> "Sure," they said, "come on." They started playing. They enjoyed
> the game, the day, and the company of the newcomer.
>
>
> Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the stranger,
> "What do you do for a living?"
>
>
> "I'm an assassin," was the tearse reply.
>
>
> "You're joking!" was their shocked response.
>
>
> "No, I'm not," he said. He reached into his golf bag and pulled
> out a magnificent H & K sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
> "Here one of my tools."
>
>
> "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can
> I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
>
>
> He picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
> direction of his house.
>
>
> "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I
> can see right in the window. Wow... I can see my wife in our
> bedroom... and.... she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my next door
> neighbor in there with her. He's naked, too!"
>
>
> He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
>
>
> "For you, given the circumstances, I'll give you a flat rate. A
> thousand bucks every time I pull the trigger."
>
>
> "Can you do two for me now?"
>
>
> "Sure, what do you want?"
>
>
> "First, shoot my wife. She's always been a big mouth, so shoot her
> in the mouth."
>
>
> "Then shoot my neighbor. He's a friend of mine, so just shoot his
> dick off. Teach him a lesson."
>
>
> The hit man took the rifle and aimed, standing perfectly still for
> several minutes.
>
>
> "Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer, impatiently.
>
>
> "Just take it easy," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save
> you a grand here..."

[illdecide]

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport.
    The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our
final descent into Tampa.
    I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your
stay in the Tampa Bay
    area".

    He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his
conversation from the cockpit.
    The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got
planned while we're in Tampa?"

    "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel,
    take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with
    the huge tits out for dinner.... I 'm gonna wine and dine her,
    take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony
    all night long."



    Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and
    immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to
    figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

    Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the
    plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the
    cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she
    trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.


    The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's
    gotta land the plane and take a shit first.

[gallsman]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?




Wiped his hole.




Sorry, it's terrible.

[Orior]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!