Corny One for Friday

[Sandy Hill]

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
A: He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog

[5 Sams]

Golden oldie...on the same subject.

What about the dyslexic Rugby Union manager.....He paid a fortune for Joanna Lumley!!!

[heganboy]

That's NDA Mac Eoghain.

Aw c'mon seriously- read it again...

[Orior]

Is that a clever double bluff from Hardstation? Should we give him the benefit of the doubt?

No.

Hardstation you idiot!

[DoYerJob Linesman]

That was great... thanks hardstation, first time i've laughed all day!

 

[BallyLad]

And one that has appeared about 5 times in the thread before!!

[illdecide]

And one that has appeared about 5 times in the thread before!!

Happy now

[Star Spangler]

Is this thread not for jokes?

[illdecide]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your
vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their
car
to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband
told
his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the
chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable
to
stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put
her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[Lecale2]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer,
and is certain that he has a better education than any Paddy cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

The Guard says,' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Gurad replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Guard says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

The Guard says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', 
I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

The Guard says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London lawyer exits his vehicle. 
The Guard takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer with it and says, 
'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down you smart arsed English b*stard?'

[Louth Exile]

>Ralph the chicken...........Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed
>beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the
>Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph." Ralph
>was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send
>me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go
>back, and that is as a chicken."
>
>
>Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
>home. The next thing he knew, He was covered with feathers, clucking, and
>pecking the ground.A rooster strolled past "So, you're the new hen, huh?
>How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have
>this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating,"
>explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
>"Never," said Ralph."Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster.
>"It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out
>popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced
>motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.As he was
>about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and
>heard his wife shout.....
>
>
>Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shittin' the bed!"

[BallyLad]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.  One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre diving board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the river."

[the green man]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine today... We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting
up and rekindling a little of that "magic".
"Wow!", I exclaimed, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit bigger than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby men were cute.

"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled.
So I told her to f*ck off.

[illdecide]

A Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and
sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'
'Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three
tests?'
Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender. So the man
gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'OK,' the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
First, You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the
whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. There's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached
satisfaction during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for
her.'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I
won't do it!
You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do
those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?'
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon
the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on
outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming,the pit bull
yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all
over his body.

'Now,' he says ....... 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'

[illdecide]

            Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try
bear hunting.

             

            He travel ed up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and
shot it...... Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned
around to see a big black bear.

             

            The black bear said:  "That was a very  bad mistake. That
was my cousin and I'm going to  give you two choices. Either I maul you
to death or ... we have sex."

             

            After considering  briefly, Frank decided to accept the
latter alternative... So the black  bear had his way with Frank.

             

            Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered
and vowed revenge.
             
            He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found
the black  bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on
his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right  next to him.
The grizzly said: "That was a big mistake, Frank...... That was my
cousin  and you've got two choices. Either I maul you death or we have
rough sex."

             

            Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the
grizzly  bear than be mauled to death. So, the grizzly had his way with
Frank.


            Although he survived, it took several months before Frank
fully recovered.
             
            Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to
Alaska and  managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt
sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

             

            The polar bear looked at him and said: "Admit it Frank, you
don't come here for the hunting, do you?"