Corny One for Friday

[ziggysego]

WTF

I laughed.

[Hardy]

WTF

It's nice and short, but I don't get it.

[Aaron Boone]

WTF

I laughed.

Reminds me of the Duracell/Energiser bunny. He's off the scene as was arrested for battery.

[Orior]

WTF

It's nice and short, but I don't get it.

Read the letters below out loud....(stolen from Reeves and Mortimer)

I M T D S N I N V U

[Billys Boots]

Right Hardy, you've done it now ...

The Duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"   Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"   Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"  Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.  "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes

the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.


The same thing happens for two weeks.   Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus.

He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."


So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.    "Where is it?"   

"At the circus,"  Says the barman. 

"The circus?"   Repeats the duck. 

"That's right,"  Replies the barman. 

"The circus?"  The duck asks again.   with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ...

"What  would they want with a plasterer?"

[Hardy]

They're getting worse. Excellent!


A bloke walks into the bar in Heathrow departures.

A fine looking blonde flight attendant walks in and sits down at the bar next to him. He decides to chance his arm
and tries to impress her by identifying the airline she flies for.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto: 'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans over again and delivers the Air France motto:  'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

He's a real trier, so he goes at it again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:  'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman scowls at him and says,  'What the f**k do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.  'Ryanair.'

[seafoid]

http://kapolzin.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/crap-an-overview-color.jpg

[Mayo4Sam]

http://kapolzin.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/crap-an-overview-color.jpg

That is two minutes of my life I'll never get back

[Nally Stand]

http://kapolzin.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/crap-an-overview-color.jpg

Ironic

[heganboy]

So an American couple decided to adopt a German baby. They reared him for years, but with time they got worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was developmentally off target. They took him to therapy, which was fruitless. Then, when the child was eight years old, he had an apfelstrudel, and said "It is over sweet."

His parents, shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied: "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."

[Orior]

Pensioner applying for a password...

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYour AssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[Hardy]

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman

One month later, the following is the state of affairs:

- One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a Menage-a-Trois.

- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

- The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy-liquor-store-restaurant-laundry and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

- The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English are not having any fun.

- The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about:
o Her body
o The true nature of feminism
o What the sun is doing to her skin
o How she can do anything that they can do
o The necessity of fulfillment
o The equal division of household chores
o How sand and palm trees make her look fat
o How her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do
o How her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems
o Why they didn't bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this lord-forsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

[muppet]

Two Roscommon men and 1 Roscommon woman.

The two Roscommon men moved to the mountains with their sheep, and while the Roscommon woman is waiting for the next trio to arrive, she invites the English woman to Coppers.

[ziggysego]

Two Roscommon me and 1 Roscommon woman.

The two Roscommon men moved to the mountains with their sheep, and while the Roscommon woman is waiting for the next trio to arrive, she invites the English woman to Coppers.

Are you looking for two Roscommon men or have you signed the papers with Croke Park to transfer?

[stew]

WTF

I laughed.

So did I zig, corny and  stretch but funny all the same.