Corny One for Friday

[All of a Sludden]

Ten years ago we still had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no Jobs, no Cash and No Hope!


Steve Jobs jokes.

Not PC.

[sans pessimism]

Just before the election, the Unionist candidate was canvassing in west Belfast.
'I was born a Protestant, I live as a Protestant, and I am proud to say that I will die as a Protestant/ he told the gathered throng.
'Jaysus, man/ came a voice from the back of the crowd, 'have ye no ambition in ye at all?'

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A fella out at the pub meets this beautiful girl. They chat for hours & he finds he has more in common with her than he has with any other girl.

They eventually went back to his place where they spent a few hours having the most mind-blowing sex he'd ever experienced. He kissed & licked her from head to toe, and even obliged when she asked him to stick his tongue up her ass, something he never thought he'd do or enjoy.

Eventually, exhausted, he drifted off to sleep, convinced that she was the girl of his dreams.

In the morning, he awoke to find her playing with his c**k.

"You really can't get enough of my c**k," he quipped with a cheeky grin on his face & the blood rushing to his groin.

Still stroking his rapidly growing member, she said, "Oh, I was just remembering back to what it was like when I had one."

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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to shit. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'"

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A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialised in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

aah the old ones are the... best

[5 Sams]

Wayne Rooney's da said his son's red card in the 65th minute against Montenegro tonight is a fcukin disgrace.

[Hoof Hearted]

Kevin Webster isn't bothered by recent allegations, he's feeling Rosie.

he is "doing up" a 14 year old escort in his garage

[DoYerJob Linesman]

Wayne Rooney's da said his son's red card in the 65th minute against Montenegro tonight is a fcukin disgrace.

Jesus.   

[Hoof Hearted]

Wayne Rooney's da said his son's red card in the 65th minute against Montenegro tonight is a fcukin disgrace.

did you make any on it

[sans pessimism]

Wayne Rooney's da said his son's red card in the 65th minute against Montenegro tonight is a fcukin disgrace.

Jeez 5 Sams could you post tonights lotto mumbers!!

[Denn Forever]

Wayne Rooney's da said his son's red card in the 65th minute against Montenegro tonight is a fcukin disgrace.

I wonder did he have a bet on it?

[Billys Boots]

A little late but still funny.

Wayne Rooney Senior is refusing to speak about his arrest out of respect for his son; he says he will make a comment after Montenegro's last minute equaliser tonight. 

[All of a Sludden]

Paul McCartney is already upset with his new wife, apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as his last one.

[sans pessimism]

Whats a wok for?........Twoing at a wabbit when ya dont have a wifle

[All of a Sludden]

Michael's Jackson's doctor has said in court that Michael had lost a lot of weight leading up to his death. He still wore adult tops, but managed to squeeze into children's bottoms.

[Orior]

Whats a wok for?........Twoing at a wabbit when ya dont have a wifle

I dont get it 

[Denn Forever]

Replace W with R.

[BennyHarp]

Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks
in copying the old canons and laws of the
church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks
are copying from copies, not from the original
manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the
head abbot to question this, pointing out that
if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that
error would be continued in all of the subsequent
copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make
a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original manuscripts
are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down
to look for him. He sees him banging his head
against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the %@# R !"
His forehead is all bruised and he is
crying uncontrollably. The young monk
asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...

CELEB R ATE