Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

A little story to warm your hearts

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,  more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They  chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch  breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel  important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home  to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she  had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank  cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the  house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment  and said...

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the f---ing  bricks.'

[SidelineKick]

A man walking along the street came across what he thought was a bomb, so he stayed back at a distance and phone 999 from his mobile.

"I think I have come across a bomb" he says to the operator.

"What makes you think its a bomb?" she replies.

"Well, its a brown bread sandwich with wires sticking out of it." says the man.

"A sandwich??? Well, is it tickin'?" asks the operator.

"No" says the man "it looks like beef!"

[Orior]

Prince Charles takes up jogging

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"

[Orior]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St.Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St.Peter replies, "That's a question only God your creator can answer. " So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asks, "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looking even more puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'" St. Peter smiles and says to the zebra, "Well then, there you are.You are white with black stripes."

The zebra (looking even more bemused) then says to St. Peter, "what - How do you know that for certain?"

"Because," St. Peter replies, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."

[illdecide]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' 
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

[illdecide]

Guy loses his right arm in a car accident and is off work for weeks.He gets more and more depressed till one dreich Monday he finally decides to end it all.
He is perched on a bridge over the M8, ready to jump when, lo and behold, he sees a man without any arms skipping and dancing along the pavement towards him.
Intrigued by this unusual sight, he jumps down, accosts the guy and asks,
'I have lost only one arm and am feeling suicidal. You have no arms at all so why are you happily skipping and dancing down the street?'

'My arse is itchy!'

[Orior]

Thats cruel. Finish the story please.

Did the one-arm bloke scratch the arse of the otherbloke? I needs to know. Its making me feel itchy.

[illdecide]

Use you're imagination Orior...lol

[illdecide]

> The Old Cowboy
> Ya think you have lived to be 69 and know what you
> are...then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens!
>
> An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup
> of coffee.
> As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next
> to him.
>
> She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real
> cowboy?'
> He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking
> colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,
> bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on
> tractors, and feeding my dogs,
> so I guess I am a cowboy.'
>
> She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
> about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I
> shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even
> think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
> women.'
>
> The two sat sipping in silence.
>
> A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of
> the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
>
> He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out
> that I'm a lesbian.'

[illdecide]

I was in town there on Saturday and I saw a busker playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo.....

I thought, that's a bit ABoriginal..........lol

[illdecide]

this one may have been posted b4...

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
>>
>> Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
>>
>> 'I'm not sure what to do,' says the devil. You're on my list  but I have
>> no room for you.
>>
>> As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to have to let
>> someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as
>> bad as you.
>> I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
>> even let you decide who leaves.'
>>
>> George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
>> The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a
>> large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
>> Such was his fate in hell.
>>
>> 'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
>> don't think I could do that all day long.'
>>
>> The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
>> sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the
>> hammer, time after time.
>>
>> 'No!' I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
>> constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.'
>> commented George.
>>
>> The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
>> on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs
>> staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
>> doing what she does best.
>>
>> George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
>>
>> Yeah, I can handle this.'
>>
>> The devil smiled and said ;
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> ...
>> 'Ok, Monica, you're free to go!'

[illdecide]

 A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

      She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.

      So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple this was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other side.
She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!
After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"


      "No" she said, "I was a prostitute in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde."

[Orior]

LEARN TO DRIVE A GERMAN CAR

In the single European Market, we must learn to adapt to our fellow Europeans and their products, including Germany and their cars. In this short, but informative guide, I will attempt to translate the rather complicated German Descriptions, into more sensible English Ones.

Indicators.................. Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet.................. Pullknob und Knucklechopper
Exhaust.................. Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Speedometer.................. Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
Clutch.................. Die Kuplink mit Schlippen und Schaken
Puncture.................. Die Phlatt mit Bludy****en
Learner.................. Die ****ten mit Elplatz
Estate Car.................. Der Bagmeroomfurschagginkinauto
Parking Meter.................. Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenwer
Windscreen Wiper.................. Der Flippenflappenmuckenschpredden
Foot Brake.................. Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppen
Gear Lever.................. Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
Breathalyser................. .................. Die Pufflintem fur Pisten****n
Rear View Mirror.................. Der Yokunter Tecklosen
Seat Belt... .................. Der klunkenklikker Frauleintrapper
Headlights .................. Das Dippendontdazzelubastad
Exhaust Fumes....... .................. Der Koffenundschpittpoluter
Highway Code......... .................. Der Wipan fur ****n
Fog Warning.... .................. Die puttenlegdownen und Fukkitt
Traffic Jam.................. .................. Die Bluddifukkink Dammundblasten
Rear Seat.................. Der Schpringentester
Tyres......... .................. Flattfahrts
Backfire.... .................. Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
Juggernaut .................. Der Fukkengrett Trukken
Accident... .................. Der Bledinmess
Near Accident... .................. Der Fukken Near Schittenselfen

[SidelineKick]

A man walks into a butchers and says to the butcher "I wanna buy that duck in the window".

"What duck?" says the butcher.

"That one there!" replies the man pointin to the duck.

"Jesus" says the butcher shaking his head, "thats a night owl".

The man replies "I don't care if it's a fortnight oul I'm still looking it!"

[Orior]

Useful and enlightening insight into how Google search technology actually works...

http://www.google.com/technology/pigeonrank.html