Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartend er and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into
the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
pretty soon, the entire bar is fille d with ducks
and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think
your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

[5 Sams]

A man approaches a younger woman inside the mall. 'Excuse me,' he said.
I can't seem to find my wife. May I talk to you for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the man, said, 'Sure, sir, do
you know where your wife might be?'

I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours,
she appears out of nowhere.'

[stpauls]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. ( Boy does this sound familiar! )

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!

[illdecide]

Subject: Good Husband


 

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of

aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at

him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little

hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your

favorite dinner tonight.I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot

coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.

You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,

and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so

clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried

to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table £155.99
Hot Breakfast £4..20
Two Aspirins £0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

[illdecide]

> A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any
> sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her
> so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex
> therapist, Dr. Chang.
>
> Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your
> crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery
> fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
>
> Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she
> did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed
> Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
>
> The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
> Disease?"
>
> Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease" is when your face
> look Ed Zachary like your ass.

[illdecide]

 Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing. This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."

The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."

Mom says, "He's a martyr now."

"Oh, so sad, my dear."

Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21."

"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."

Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."

"Oh gracious me," says the second mother.

"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed.! He would be 18." Mom whispers.

"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also" Mom says, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Hoof Hearted]

gazza has been sectioned under the mental health act and is now somewhere where all the crazed people go and there is no hope for

"its great to have him back" said Keegan !!

[feetofflames]

What have fat women and mopeds got in common?  They are both fun to ride untill your mates find out!
Why is the space between a womens hip and breast called a waist? because you could easily place another pair of tits in there!
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good.  Add a nipple!
Why do women fart less than men?  Women cant shut up to build up the required pressure!
Why is a launderette a bad place to pick up a bird? Any bird who cant afford a washing machine would hardly be able to look after you.

[Hardy]

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.
Only He can.

John Cleese

[ziggysego]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Patel about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Patel advised her, 'Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, 'By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Patel's?'
'Why, yes I am... How did you know?'

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...'

[ziggysego]

A man walks into a chemist with his 13-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these things, Dad?"

To which the father, matter-of-factly, replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

The boy looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks," Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for the college boys. One is for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He then notices a 6 pack of condoms and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for post-grad single men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy excitedly, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, while picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, and a tear in his eye, the dad answers,

"Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..................................."

[ziggysego]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

[illdecide]

Subject: Never question a drunk.

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following: A litre of milk A carton of eggs A carton of orange juice A 250 gram package of bacon A head of lettuce A 1 kilo can of coffee As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the Cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued By the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at The Six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what,you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

[DirtyDozen12]

12 of the finest (unintentional)  double-entendres ever aired on TV/ radio


1. Pat Glenn, weight-lifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava  from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'


3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'


4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the

Cox of the Oxford crew.'


5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife

takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'


6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob,

where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'


10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'


11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'


12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:

'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[illdecide]

Quality!!!
>>>
>>>
>>>   RESPECT to Samuel L. Jackson. The screen legend was recently
>>>   Interviewed by Kate Thornton on British T.V. about working with
>>>Colin
>>>   Farrell in
>>>   S.W.A.T. when the following conversation took place:
>>>
>>>   Kate: What's it like working with Colin, 'cos he is just so hot
in
>>>   the U.K. right now.
>>>
>>>   Samuel: He's pretty hot in the U.S. too
>>>
>>>   Kate: Yea! but he's one of our own!
>>>
>>>   Samuel: Isn't he from Ireland
>>>
>>>   Kate: Yeah, but we claim him 'cos Ireland is beside us.
>>>
>>>   Samuel: You see that's your problem right there. You British
keep
>>>   claiming people that don't belong to you. We had that problem in
>>>   America too - it was called slavery.