Corny One for Friday

[hoopsaaa]

Thats the last comment i make on this thread.

[illdecide]

Looking for a Wife

 

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

               Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Hardy]

Let's see if this one gets past the joke police:

Sign on all nursery doors in Palestinian maternity hospitals:
"Danger - live ammunition"

[armaghniac]

From ye olde book of Kerry Jokes

A Kerryman got a job on a ship. On his first day the Captain said to him that the passenger in cabin 36 had died and that he should be given a burial at sea. The next day the Captain asked him had everything gone OK, the Kerryman said that he had buried the passenger in cabin 26. The Captain said but I said 36, who was in cabin 26? A Corkman, replied the crewman. "Was he dead?" asked the Captain. He said he wasn't, said the Kerryman, but those Cork langers are fierce liars, so I buried him anyway.

[Orior]

This one is for everyone who...

a) Had kids
b) Has kids
c) Is going to have kids
d) Knows a kid
e) Was a kid

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"




She replied, "What happened to my snot???"

[illdecide]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen Sodium. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and is to be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:
There is more being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[illdecide]

  > >The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an
    > >appointment
    > >with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not
surprised
    > >when
    > >Paddy shows up with his solicitor.
    > >The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
    > >full-time
    > >employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
    > >
    > >I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."
    > >"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a
    > >demonstration?"
    > >The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"
    > >Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."
    > >The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
    > >Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
    > >The auditor's jaw drops.
    > >Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my
other
    > >eye."
    > >The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
    > >Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
    > >The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid,
    > >with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
    > >
    > >"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six
    > >thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into
that
    > >rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
    > >The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
    > >decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
    > >Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
    > >strains
    > > for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other
side, so he
    > >pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
    > >The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major
loss
    > >into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his
hands.
    > >"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
    > >"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd
    > >been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here
    > >and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it

[illdecide]

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
  At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
   When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
  If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[illdecide]

AN IRISHMAN

   



   



   



   

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

   



   

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

   



   

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"



   

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

   



   

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

   



   

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorra, "said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

   



   

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey" asked the blonde.

   



   

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." 

   



   

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him.

   



   

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"

   



   

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.  She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played

around?"

   



   

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;

   



   



   

"Sweet Jesus!

   

Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[illdecide]

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a  woman in the   shadows.

'Twenty quid ' she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its
only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a couple of   minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police  officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light in her
face

[offtheground]

> > >A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout
> > >hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and
> > >eventually asks the hooker, "How  much ?"  Hooker replies,
> > >"It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
> > >Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is
> > >worth that  kind of money!"
> > >The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
> > >"Yes."
> > >"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
> > >"Yes."
> > >"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
> > >"Yes."
> > >"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
> > >And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth
> > >$500."
> > >Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."
> > >
> > >They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy
> > >is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the
> > >hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.  He is so
> > >amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
> > >  The hooker replies, "$1,500."
> > >  "$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that".
> > >The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
> > >Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that
> > >casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
> > >that's worth every cent of $1,500."
> > >The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job,
> > >says, "Sign  me up."
> > >
> > >Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than
> > >before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got
> > >his money's worth.
> > >He  decides to dip into the retirement savings for one
> > >glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,
> > >"How much for some pussy?"
> > >The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see
> > >how the  whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all
> > >those beautiful lights,  gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
> > >"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
   > >"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy

[illdecide]

Subject: Fwd: Fw: Guts or Balls...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Guts or Balls...
> >
> >There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or
> >balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to
> >keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
> >
> >GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
> >your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
> >cleaning,
> >or are you flying somewhere?"
> >
> >BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
> >perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
> >and having the balls to say: "You're next fatty."
> >
> >I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
> >
> >Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both
> >ultimately result in death.

[illdecide]

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered


(Continue below - This is great)

















"THE TEETH."

[hoopsaaa]

 illdecide the tax man one is a classic I think i know that man.

[Hurler on the Bitch]

This is the worst ever .. at a staff xmas do one night and - few drinks etc - thought it would be a good idea to tell this at a table which contained my boss and his wife (good-living folk sipping Ballygowan) ... here we go ...

Big RUC man is patrolling over at Shaw's Bridge one night when he hears a rustle in the bushes..
So he shines his torch over and lo and behold there's a naked man touching his toes, with another naked man standing behind him going back and forward, back and forward..
"What the f**k ye at there?" the big Peeler shouts....
"Trying to make him sick" the naked one standing replies..
"You'll not make him sick like that" .. says the Peeler
to which the guy replies "He will be when I turn him round and stick this in his mouth!"

Silence descended on the table as I got me coat!!!