Corny One for Friday

[seafoid]

The increasing rate of litigation means that there is a far higher chance that doctors will be asked in court to explain the exact meaning of NFN (Normal for Norfolk), FLK (Funny looking kid) or GROLIES (Guardian Reader Of Low Intelligence in Ethnic Skirt).
Dr Fox recounts the tale of one doctor who had scribbled TTFO - an expletive expression roughly translated as "Told To Go Away" - on a patient's notes.

He told BBC News Online: "This guy was asked by the judge what the acronym meant, and luckily for him he had the presence of mind to say: 'To take fluids orally'."

Quaint up North

Regional dialects abound, even in the world of the medical abbreviation.

In the north of England, the TTR (Tea Time Review) of a patient is commonplace, but not in the south.

And the number of terms for patients believed to be somewhat intellectually challenged is enormous.



From LOBNH (Lights On But Nobody Home), CNS-QNS (Central Nervous System - Quantity Not Sufficient), to the delightful term "pumpkin positive", which refers to the implication that a penlight shone into the patient's mouth would encounter a brain so small that the whole head would light up.

Regular visitors to A&E on a Friday or Saturday night are also classified.

DBI refers to "Dirt Bag Index", and multiplies the number of tattoos with the number of missing teeth to give an estimate of the number of days since the patient last bathed.

A PFO refers to a drunken patient who sustained injury falling over, while a PGT "Got Thumped" instead.


MEDICAL TERMS - A GLOSSARY

Digging for Worms - varicose vein surgery

Departure lounge - geriatric ward

Handbag positive - confused patient (usually elderly lady) lying on hospital bed clutching handbag

Woolworth's Test - Anaesthetic term (if you can imagine patient shopping in Woolies, it's safe to give a general anaesthetic)

[seafoid]

Mouth like the inside of Gandhi's flip-flop
A fart in a space suit
Knickers: Up and down like the Assyrian Empire
Buggering about like a fart in a bottle.

Standing about like a fairy on a midden
A face like a half-sucked Disprin.
lunch a thousand chips?
look better on a doily.
A face like a plasterer's radio, obviously.
She had a face made for radio.
She could stop a police horse at 50 foot
face like a bag of walnuts
Looks like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle.
A face like vinegar on a pin.
Sticky as Mae West's gusset.
Sweating like a bull in nylon knickers.

[seafoid]

I went to the pub last night, there was a fat girl dancing on a table. I walked passed and said "amazing legs". The girl giggled and said with a smile "do you really think so?". I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"!!

[seafoid]

#A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....  'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

#Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
 
#My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her some bathroom scales.

# I was sat in a wine bar, enjoying my own company. I took a sip of my drink and looked over to the other end of the bar. I saw a stunning brunette looking back at me.

She was wearing a Wonder Woman costume, with lots of flesh on show. We looked each other up and down, and both gave a knowing smile. I noticed she was drinking Budweiser like me, so I called the barman over.   "Same again for me, and another for the pretty lady over there."
He said, "That's a mirror, you pisshead, and the rest of the stag do left an hour ago."

[seafoid]

1.) FINE : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to #3

[seafoid]

Two nuns driving home to the convent, very late at night. Suddenly a vampire lands on the bonnet. The nun at the wheel screams at her companion, "Quick, show him your cross Sister Patricia, SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS!".

So she winds down the window, sticks out her head and yells at the demon, "Get your arse off the fuckin' bonnet, NOW! You dick-head!".

[illdecide]

Ahh well done Seafoid...have you been going thru the earlier pages on this thread

[seafoid]

> A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day
   > finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
   > the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent
   > when her mobile phone rang.
      > It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had
   > just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and
   > in the ICU.    > The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she
   > was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised
   > she was leaving  what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the
   > boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading
   > to the hospital.
   >
   >  > She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing
   > her trip with a cup f coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice,
   > compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
   >
   >   > Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty,
   > she dashed to the hospital.She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
   > husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You
   went ahead and finished    your shopping trip didn't you! I hope
   you're proud of yourself!    While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
   yourself in town,  your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care
   Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will
   more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest
   of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be
   your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and
   > sobbed.  Scroll down
      > The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just
   > pulling your leg. He's
   > dead. Show me what you bought.'

[muppet]

[muppet]

[mikehunt]

A well-to-do alco arrived home pissed one night.  His wife gave him him the ultimatum that if he came home drunk again she would leave him. He loved her dearly so made another attempt to stop but like all alkies found himself in a bar. He drank vodka to hide the smell of alcohol but drank so much he got sick all over himself. Knowing his dear wife would leave him he broke down on the bar stool. The barman asked him what was wrong. Having heard the ultimatum the barman suggested he put 20 euro in his pocket and tell his wife someone had got sick on him and given him the money for the dry cleaning bill. He arrived home and explained that someone had got sick on him and given him the 20. The wife was not convinced and asked what the other 20 note in his hand was for. 'Oh that's from the man who shat in my pants'.

[laoislad]

Remember when Louis van Gaal subbed a Goalkeeper at the World Cup and it meant United were going to win the quadruple, Britain's Got Talent and The Super Bowl...

[muppet]

If you were 7 when Red Red Wine was released, then UB40 now.

[muppet]

[Over the Bar]

Remember when Louis van Gaal subbed a Goalkeeper at the World Cup and it meant United were going to win the quadruple, Britain's Got Talent and The Super Bowl...

Not quite as funny as every Liverpool fan welcoming in their first league title in a generation until Stevie slipped!  😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

A bit like a smiling God meeting you at the pearly gates only for him to pull off the mask laughing and chuck you into the furnace with a trident!  😈😈😈