Corny One for Friday

[Hardy]

[Olly]

She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

[BennyHarp]

After the controversy surrounding Wonga.com's sponsorship deal with Newcastle, Alan Pardew was worried about how it would effect his players. He has told them to forget about the whole situation and go out on Sunday against Sunderland and give 4500%.

[5 Sams]

Another "Overheard in Dublin" classic.


At Heuston, heard a girl ask a lady where the Luas was "They're over there beside the men's luas" she said, pointing at the Ladies Toilets"

[Bud Wiser]

That reminds me of another Overheard In Dublin one about the posh lady with a young lad getting on the bus in O'Connell Street and when asking for the tickets she says to the driver "One and a half to the Mater Hospital please" and the young lad pipes up "But Ma, we are not going to the Mater, we are going to the Joy to see Da"

[Orior]

With apologies those those in the free state but....

The funniest thing I heard on the radio this week was Master Alex Attwood Esquire talking about 'Nootownards'.

[Declan]

At Heuston, heard a girl ask a lady where the Luas was "They're over there beside the men's luas" she said, pointing at the Ladies Toilets"

Brilliant

[All of a Sludden]

Tony Blackburn is invited to a pool party by Noel Edmunds. He turns up with Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter.."You deaf cnut" Noel says," I said a pair of speedos."

[Orior]

A friend of mine gave me a racing snail, and I entered it in a few races but it came last every time.

In an attempt to make the snail go quicker, I took its shell off, but that only made it more sluggish.

[Orior]

I once took a stuffed dog onto the Antiques Roadshow.

"Oooh" said the presenter "this is a very rare breed. Do you have any idea what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"

"Sticks" says I.

[el_cuervo_fc]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, " I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

[StGallsGAA]

First Jimmy Saville and now Dave Lee Travis, the while worlds fine mad!!  Next you'll be telling me that the Free Presbyterians are filming people on the bog!!

[Harold Disgracey]

Who says multiple choice tests don't allow students to express themselves creatively.

[Hardy]

A fella goes into the greengrocers  and asks, "can I have a head of broccoli?"
"Sorry", says the greengrocer, "I don't have any broccoli. It's not broccoli season yet."
"Oh, OK", says the fella and he leaves.

A little while later the same fella walks into the greengrocers again. "Any broccoli?", he asks.
"No", says the greengrocer. "Didn't I tell you there's no broccoli? It's out of season. You won't get broccoli anywhere for a few months yet."
"Ah, I see", says the fella and he goes away.

After a few minutes, he's back again. "Any broccoli in?"
"Look", says the greengrocer, "let me answer you with a few questions. First, how do you spell 'dog' in 'dogwood'?"
"D-O-G", says the fella.

"How do you spell 'cat' in 'catfish'?"
"C-A-T".

"And how do you spell 'f**k' in 'broccoli'?"
"There's no 'f**k' in 'broccoli'."
"There you go!"

[Billys Boots]

Reminds me of ...

A rabbit goes into a greengrocers and asks 'any cabbage?'  Greengrocer replies 'sorry, none today'.  Rabbit leaves.

An hour passes and the rabbit returns to the shop, asking 'any cabbage?', to which the greengrocer replies patiently, 'sorry, still none today'.  Rabbit leaves again.

Another hour passes and the rabbit returns, asking 'any cabbage?'  The greengrocer, annoyed now, replies 'I have no cabbage today; if you ask again I will nail your head to that wall.  Rabbit leaves.

An hour passes and the rabbit returns.  The grocer bristles expectantly, and the rabbit inquires 'any nails?'  The grocer, confused, replies 'eh, no.'  The rabbit asks 'any cabbage?'