Corny One for Friday

[ONeill]

What do you call a Chav in a box? Innit.

What do you call an Eskimo Chav? Innuinnit.

[ONeill]

PRIMARY SCHOOL FOOTBALL - THE RULES OF THE GAME

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and
lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods,play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle" of the participants.

There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to leave as soon as the
bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the
time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically
retrieve them, known as "nutters".

It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.

The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.

PARAMETERS
The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt
piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the
prevailing weather.

It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed.

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height
of the keeper.

The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up.

At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

TACTICS
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of
team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to
circumstance - from e.g. 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is
usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.

STOPPAGES
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured
players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game
flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of
participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over.

Other stoppages:

1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb and six of the best to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and any others it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory.

2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves,
occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them.
Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a
quick restart.

3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, DUP-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed
the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.

Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly".

CELEBRATION
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards
with their hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross.
A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket
(actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not full-size pitch") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "***ing poacher" from the opposing defence. "****ing goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative.
Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a bust nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.

PENALTIES
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take penalties.

Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.

CLOSE SEASON
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really is as boring playing as it is to watch.

[illdecide]

Zen Guide to Life by Maharishi Fattifatbastard♣

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either,
just f**k off and leave me alone.
♣ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
♣ The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the
time to do it.
♣ Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
♣ Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
♣ Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
♣ Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
♣ Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
♣ If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
♣ Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and
you have their shoes.
♣ If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
♣ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
♣ Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
♣ If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
♣ Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
♣ Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
♣ Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
♣ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
♣ A closed mouth gathers no feet.
♣ There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
♣ Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
♣ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
♣ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
♣ When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
♣ The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

[Mack the finger]

Example of bad parenting skills

[Mack the finger]

GREAT PUBS

Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow
there's
a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way
for the
locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink
for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there
will buy
you your third drink after you buy the first two."


"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's
Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink,
then another,
all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take
you upstairs
and see that you get laid. All on the house."


The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims but he
swears
every word is true.


Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman . . "But it did happen
to me sister."
>

[The Real Laoislad]

A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them "How did your game go?"

The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that she played badly with only two riders.

The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

[illdecide]

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two Pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Seamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much Trouble we will be in?  We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage In the third pub !!

[cville]

Anyway, it's a cold, misty night in a pub in the centre of Dublin. Two oul' fellas are sitting at the bar nursing their pints of Guinness when one turns to the other and says. "You know, I know yer face from somewhere don't I?" The other guy replies "You may be right as I think I know your face also, where you from?" "From the North side" replies the other. "That's funny, so am I, whereabouts," he replied. "Jones Road, Drumcondra" says the first guy." "Jeyes, that's incredible, so am I, what number?" said the second guy. "Number 64" was the response, to which the first guy said: "Jeanie Mac, you know I used to live at number 64 Jones Road." Just then the phone rang and teh barman answered it. It was the owner wanting to know if it's busy. To which the barman replied: "Na boss, quiet as a mouse. Only ones in are the two Murphy twins pissed again at the bar."   

Boom Boom

[Bud Wiser]

Irish guy in USA, illegal ticket, etc and army grabs him for conscription to Iraq.  They take him to firing range and give him a rifle and the following exchange takes place;
Army Sgt.  Do you see that target about a hundred yards away, take a shot at it and see can you hit the centre of it.
Yer fires and misses.

Army Sgt; Ok then, see that one there about 50 yards away, take a pot at that and see how you get on.

Fires and misses again.

Army Sgt;  Getting a bit annoyed, says ok, theres a target beside you, its only twenty yards away, fire at it and see where you hit it.

Yer man fires, into the next parish and misses completely.
Sgt;  In all my time in the army that is the worst display of shooting I have ever seen. You can hit nothing.
Irishman:  Does that mean I won't be going to Iraq?
Sgt:  Oh don't worry about that, you are going allright but I will tell you this buddy, I f**king doubt very much if you will be coming home!

[Orior]

Ah Bud!

[illdecide]

A famous explorer at a cocktail party, was telling a spellbound audience about his latest adventure in darkest Africa.

"I rounded a corner in a narrow jungle path and came face-to-face with the largest lion I'd ever seen in my life," he said. "He threw back his head and let out a roar that shook the very trees, then, as the jungle fell silent, he bounded towards me in great leaps."

"So what did you do," asked one breathless admirer.

"I calmly turned to Ugumbu, my faithful native bearer and guide, and asked him to hand me my rifle -- but it was too late -- Ugumbu's nerve had broken, and I could hear him crashing through the trees in a desperate attempt to escape the lion's wrath."

"So what happened next?"

"Well, what could I do?" the explorer shrugged. "I was alone and defenceless as Ugumbu had carried my rifle off with him. So, I had no alternative but to turn and flee as fast as I could. As I glanced back over my shoulder, I could see that the lion was almost upon me and he was gathering himself to pounce -- but just as he was about to launch himself, he slipped! So I continued running as quickly as possible."

"Oh, my goodness! What a lucky escape! Do continue...."

"Well, I continued to run faster than I'd ever run before. I actually felt as if my feet had sprouted wings, but it was to no avail. Within a few seconds the lion had recovered and I could almost feel his hot breath upon my neck. Fearing that my last moment on this Earth had come, I stole a quick glance over my shoulder -- and wished I hadn't. The lion was almost upon me, and as he gathered himself to pounce -- he slipped once again!"

"Slipped again??? Well, good fortune was indeed on your side that day. What happened next?"

"I ran into a small clearing. and glanced back once again, only to see the absolutely enraged lion preparing to launch himself upon me yet again. But once again -- he slipped."

"Good God, man! He slipped again? You must have been absolutely shitting yourself by this time."

"Shitting myself.... ....What do you think the lion had been slipping on???"

[illdecide]

Three men taking part in an aptitude test were posed

the following question.



A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is

lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying

on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?



After their time was up, the three were brought in to give their

answers.



The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."



The second, from New Zealand, says "My answer is that there is no

way to determine the answer with the information we were given."



The third one, from Ireland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I

have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or

Willie Nailer."

[gerrykeegan]

The Fish

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says

"Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father,but
that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the
fish back to church.

Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.

"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker
And we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother
superior.

"Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful,
I'll cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.


The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back On
his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, Pours himself  a
whiskey and says " You know what?, You c*nts are alright !! "

[Goats Do Shave]

Got a text this morning...

Police have named the man arrested at Glasgow Airport after setting himself on fire, as....
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Singe Majeep!

[illdecide]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was
washing her private area and

noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched
her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable
movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,

"As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral s*x will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the
curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
rate.

The nurses ran back into the room.

"What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".