Corny One for Friday

[Bud Wiser]

I heard Barrymore had just got a part in a new BBC comedy, "Only Pools & Corpses"

[illdecide]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with
her for £500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he
did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
cheque for £250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending
the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't
any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for £250
with the following note:

"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
Landlady.

[illdecide]

Irish Viagra:
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in  reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and  begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and  with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm,  he sent the  cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husbandprovided wasn't good?"
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[illdecide]

 

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinkin
>>>drunk,
>>> > >>as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
>>>already
asleep.
>>> > >>
>>> > >>He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
>>> > >>
>>> > >>When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of
>>>his bed
>>> > >>wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?"
>>>demanded
>>> > >>Brian, "and what are you doing in my
>>> >bedroom?".
>>> > >>
>>> > >>The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm
>>>St
>>> > >>Peter".
>>> > >>
>>> > >>Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have
>>>so
>>> > >>much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....
>>>you've
>>> > >>got to send me back straight away!"
>>> > >>
>>> > >>St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a
>>> > >>catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian
>>>was
>>> > >>devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
>>>house, he
>>> > >>asked to be sent back as a hen.
>>> > >>
>>> > >>A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and
>>>clucking
>>> > >>around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought
>>>until he
>>> > >>felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
>>> > >>
>>> > >>The farmyard rooster strolled over
>>> >and said "So you're the new hen,
>>> > >>how are you enjoying your first day here?"
>>> > >>
>>> > >>"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange
>>>feeling
>>> > >>inside like I'm about to explode".
>>> > >>
>>> > >>"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me
>>>you've
>>> > >>never laid an egg before".
>>> > >>
>>> > >>"Never" replies Brian.
>>> > >>
>>> > >>"Well just relax and let it happen."
>>> > >>
>>> > >>And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an
>>>egg
>>> > >>pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief
>>>swept
>>> > >>over him and his emotions got the better of him as he
>>>experienced
>>> > >>motherhood for the first time.
>>> > >>
>>> > >>When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
>>> > >>overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was
>>> >the
>>> > >>best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
>>> > >>
>>> > >>The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third
>>>egg
>>> > >>he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard
>>>his
>>> > >>wife shouting
>>> > >>
>>> > >>"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed"

[illdecide]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that

can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women

are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Hardy]

By Bill O'Brien - Torrevieja June 2007.

THIS IS A CHAIN LETTER. PLEASE DO NOT READ!

Fed up of getting chain letters sent on by people who should know you better? This is different, but equally important!

A man in Denver broke the chain and his labrador was eaten by marauding goldfish!
Mrs. Smith in Brighton sent on five copies and now she is the Secretary General of the UN!

WHAT MUST I DO NOW? I hear you say.
Well, first think. Do you have five friends with whom you are sufficiently bored to want to send this rubbish to? If the answer is no, you are obviously a saddo and I would advise the Samaritans.
Next, go to the fridge and see if there's anything to drink. If not, go to the pub or at least the nearest off licence. NOW, ISN'T THAT BETTER?
We can get back to this later.

B. Frobisher of Newcastle broke the chain and came home early to find his wife in bed on her own!
Mrs Samuels in Wicklow sent on ten copies and is now a hooker with the Leinster team!

LATER: DOES THIS STILL SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA? It does? Good.

Bring a liitle joy into the lives of five people  today
Spread a little happiness as you go on your way
Spare a thought for others and never selfish be
Pass me the sick bucket cos I'll need it presently.

And remember: If you are going to sing; DON'T !

At this point a picture of a kitten in an old shoe or a few puppies looking as though they had just come out of the spin dryer would be nice.

Lee Wong Tsu of Beijing broke the chain, was executed a few days later and had all his internal organs sold to a wealthy American!
J. Gormely of Dublin sent off 4,500 copies and is now Minister for the Environment (or something)!

So, please, please, please don't let us all down. Send on to five deserving friends straight away.
If  you don't and something bad happens later you are going to blame yourself.

[illdecide]

Salesman
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs You know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room & give me one - No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic .........

........... but for an outside line you need to press 9."

[illdecide]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."  Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we worked out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong"

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

[illdecide]

How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according
to lights and darks.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice
stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a
pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
the
whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo'
sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

[illdecide]

Men strike back!


How many men does it take to open a beer?


None. It should be opened when she brings it.


------------------------------------------------------------------


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?


Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably


never


be able to support you.


------------------------------------------------------------------


Why do women have smaller feet than men?


It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows


Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


------------------------------------------------------------------


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?


When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."


------------------------------------------ ------------------------


How do you fix a woman's watch?


You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


------------------------------------------------------------------


Why do men pass gas more than women?


Because women can't shut up long enough to


Build up the required pressure.


------------------------------------------------------------------


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is


yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?


The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


------------------------------------------------------------------


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?


A woman who won't do what she's told


------------------------------------------------------------------


I married a Miss Right.


I just didn't know her first name was Always.


------------------------------------------------------------------


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive


by


90%.


It's called a Wedding Cake.


------------------------------------------------------------------


Why do men die before their wives?


They want to.


------------------------------------------------------------------


Women will never be equal to men


until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,


and


still think they are sexy.


------------------------------------------------------------------


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.


Then God created Man and rested.


Then God created Woman.


Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Declan]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdJSrldXtc4

Nice one lads

[cville]

Ballymena guy is in tears kneeling at the front of the church praying to God.
"Oh my God, My God you must help me. I owe these bad men millions of pounds and I must pay up or they will kill me. Please, please let me win the Lottery tonight."
Next week, the guy comes back and is in a very bad way. He says "Please God this is serious. I will die tonight if I do not pay these men what I owe them. I ask you again, please let me win the Lottery tonight."
The next Saturday, back comes the guy. "My God, My God you have deserted me. Now I will die. why did you not let me win the Lottery?"
Just then, there is a massive rumbling and the roof of the church opens up. In comes a brilliant light and there standing in in his glory is God.
The Ballymena guy looks up and God looks at him and says "Billy, it's about the Lottery. See tonight, meet me halfway - buy a f**king ticket!"

[illdecide]

>Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After
Eight.
>
>She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.
>
>On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she
had a
>Wine Gum.
>
>He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the
one
>with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
>
>They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr
Cadbury
>turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he

>slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.
>He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic
Tacs.
>
>Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take
a
>trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite
pleased as
>he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out
>a scream of Turkish Delight.
>
>When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She
wanted
>more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers
looked
>very appetizing.
>
>He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by
giving
>her a Gob Stopper!
>
>Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly
>he was soon to discover he had VD.
>
>It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who apparently
had
>Allsorts!

[ONeill]

[ONeill]