Corny One for Friday

[ziggysego]

Pretty sure this was used b4 but couldn't be bothered checking...

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : £2.00�
HAMBURGER : £2.25�
CHEESEBURGER : £2.50�
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £3.50�
HAND JOB : £50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"



She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Brilliant saaan 

[illdecide]

This one def has done the rounds (people change the area to suit)

This one is for all you Sligo Lovers!!!!!

At the dole office in Sligo a Traveler walked in to pick up his cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' How's it going Boss, You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd like to get a job!

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is € 200,000 a year.

The traveler just plain wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin me!

The social welfare worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it!

[Celt_Man]

[Celt_Man]

The Morning after the Office Party.

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas
Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding
headache,
his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a
couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to
them,
a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window
and
all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and,
squinting
gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a
good
sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it

note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with
little
hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is

in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning.
There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye
doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at
the
table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell

over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and
got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order,

aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she
tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you
slapper,
I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

[Celt_Man]

IRISH TRAIN

Gentlemen,

I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I  think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

Patrick Finnegan


Dear Mr. Finnegan,

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in  your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

Iarnrod Eireann.


Gentlemen,

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the  ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.

[Celt_Man]

Older People ...
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The kid had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your
life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would
not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.  I was just
wondering if you were my son."

[Celt_Man]

 "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"

....."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

"America: 250 million w*nkers living in a country with no word for w*nker"

On the Alfa Romeo Brera...
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's
bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"

"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler"

(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""

(mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi"

"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"

1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise:
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."

"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!"

"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..."
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

On the Porsche Cayenne "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

[Celt_Man]

Larger than life in more ways the one, Neil "Razor" Ruddock filled up a  large part of the Soccer AM sofa this week and basically assassinated
the character of his old team-mate at Liverpool, and "friend", Jason McAteer.


Ruddock held court in the studio for five minutes, and the Jester, McAteer, hung his head in shame.


In Razor's very own words on Mr Jason McAteer:


"Basically right, Dave, you are thick. Dave is his nickname. It goes back a long way because when he was at Bolton his nickname was Trigger.
When he signed for Liverpool, Rob Jones was Trigger, and you can't have two Triggers, so we called him Dave. And he is thick.


"And he ruined my life once. I am from south London and I have always wanted to meet Jimmy White and I have never, ever, ever met Jimmy White.
We are in a Dublin bar and Dave McAteer says to me, 'Razor, Razor, quick look, your hero Jimmy White has just walked in'.


"As I see Jimmy White, Dave shouts over to him, 'Jimmy! Jimmy! 180!!!!'


"And I still ain't met Jimmy White.


"How about the time when we were in a villa in Spain and decided to hire a car and go to the beach for the day. So I got all the gear in the boot
and Dave comes out with a big bag of ice.


I say: 'Dave, what are you doing?'
Dave says: 'It's for the drinks on the beach.'
I say: 'Dave, by the time we get to the beach the ice is going to be melted.' So he says: 'Oh yeah, I will go and get another one'."


Finally, on Soccer AM, McAteer gets a word in, "I am never going to work again. I am afraid these are all true."


And so Ruddock says, "I ain't finished.


"Dave decided because we were all rich and Spice Boys, well he weren't because he was at Bolton, so he signed for Liverpool and he got his
first wage packet, so me, him and Phil Babb went down to the docks to buy this new silver Porsche.


"So we had bought the new, silver Porsche and we went over to Dave's house and we had a night out. We get up in the morning and Dave is taking us to training.


"He goes out and he says, 'hold up lads, it's freezing out there, the car is covered in frost. I will go out there and start the engine, clear
the frost off and we can finish our coffee and go to training'.


"So we finish the coffee and we go back out and the frost has gone but the car has locked itself and we couldn't get in it.


"I said, 'where are the spare keys.'


"He said, 'in the garage where I bought it from in case something like this happened'.


"So as we are trying to get in, this police car comes round the corner and we are trying to get in like three scallywags and we say, 'no, no it
is Razor and Phil and Jason', and the police say, 'ok Mr McAteer, Dave, go and get a coat hanger and we will try to open it. It most probably won't work with these new cars, but we will give it a try'.


"Dave walks back out with a wooden one."

[Zapatista]

STATIONARY SHOP MOVES

[ziggysego]

Before Diana was Princess of Hearts, she was the Countess of Kidneys.

[illdecide]

When OJ dies....


One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. 

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said ......





(This is priceless)




"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[illdecide]

A businessman was charged with tax evasion and he was very nervous about appearing in court. He talked with his accountant who advised him to wear shabby clothing and let the tax department think he was poor. Then he talked with his lawyer and told him what his accountant had suggested. The lawyer said "No way, dress in your smartest suit and tie and don't let them intimidate you"

The businessman was confused at the conflicting advice so he went to have a talk with his local priest and ask him what he should wear to court.

The priest said "There was a young woman who was about to get married so she went to her mother and asked her what she should wear to bed on her wedding night. Her mother said that she should wear along flannelette nightdress buttoned right up to her neck. Then she went and told her friend what her mother had suggested. Her friend told her she should wear a scanty negligee with a V neck that plunged right down to her navel"

The businessman said "But Father what has this story got to do with what I should wear to court?"

The priest said "No matter what you wear you are going to be screwed"

[Hardy]

How do you get 150 old ladies to say "f**k" at the same time?

Shout "Bingo!"

[Celt_Man]

Brilliant Hardy!!!

[Capt Pat]

Why did Alexander McQueen hang himself?

Because he was afraid to come out of the closet.