All Ireland Builders Triathlon

[Kerry Mike]

With the builders on holidays, last weekend saw the provincial finals of the first events in the annual Builders GAA Triathlon

First event up was the Wheel Barrow - clean, lift and push, The rules stating that the competitors use a quantity of 6" blocks over a distance of 100m., The greater the qty in the quickest time getting the most points.

In Munster the finals got under way in Sunny Rathkeale, this is not to be mixed up with the rougher Shia Rathkeale area or where the travellers have taken over the town. It rained heavily all morning as only the Irish summer does but the competitors in good spirits from the late night the night before said it would enhanse the day out.

Colin "The Burger King" Corkery of Cork got the event underway as he setup a load of 15 blocks as his target but he struggled to get the barrow off the ground and took ten penalty points when he reduced his load to 13. After 4 minutes and 37.26 seconds of grunting and groaning he finally got his laces tied of his personalized predator Wellingtons.  His big hands soft from city living finally seized the wheelbarrow grips and he was off at a sprint down the marked runway with his arse bursting through the seams of his oversized O'Neills shorts, some people commentating that he looked deceptive and that he was actually slower than he looked. He finished in a time of 28.35 minutes. With his smaller load of blocks and his time he was awarded 1239 points and 3 Large Big Mac Meals, he declined the free toy and the Diet drink.

Next up to the grid representing Tipperary was John "The Bull" Carroll, The big man from Roscrea horsed 18 blocks up on his barrow, and spat into both hands twice cursing something about Cork under his breath and took a deep breath and picked up the handles of his barrow, creaking and groaning under the load, and Carroll was straining too, but the barrow held firm and he was making good progress, covering the first 25m in a time of 5.01 minutes. He made the half way mark in just over 11 minutes and looked to be on course for a Munster record. When he powered into the final ¼ of the race however disaster struck when the front wheel (for those who don't know there is only one wheel on a wheel barrow) burst under the load, Carroll after building up a burst of speed went ploughing over the top of the barrow and landed heavily on his left shoulder, his goose looked cooked. The huge crowd were hushed into silence to see if he would get up, finally in what seemed like an eternity of nearly 2 minutes he gingerly sat up, spat in his hands again and growled "f**k it anyway", he threw the cooked goose on top of the blocks and off he meandered as he struggled to push the wounded barrow over the finishing line to a rousing reception of Sliabh na Mban in a time of 31.28. His points total just ahead of Corkery of 1243.

The crowd now were well up for the contest and with 2 competitors to go the excitement was building to a crescendo. Pints were liberally drank and the banter flowed
as freely as the piss in the field, the lack of toilet facilities was a problem for some.

Next to the line was Ger "Loughie" Loughnane of Clare. 17 Blocks was his aggressive target, however before he could even get going there was a skirmish with a small lad with a squeaky voice wildly swinging what looked like a hurley and jumping from the crowd and making a drive at Loughnane. He pulled a dirty belt across the knuckles of the bould Ger and then shouted "I am the best Goal Keeper in Clare, remember 95, remember 97". The crowd went mad and the young fellow was lucky to get out alive after a good shoeing, some thought he looked like the dancing priest from Kerry but this could not be proved. Loughnane was seriously hurt however, but the referee from Cork a Mr. F. Murphy was having none of his pleas of a time out and made him push his load, He got only 37.4m in ot the race before he had to give up, he was disqualified to loud cheers especially from the Tipperary contingent in the crowd.

Next up was the reigning All Ireland Champion Eoin "The Bomber" Liston of Kerry. He matched the 18 blocks of Carroll but only spat the once into his hands, the crowd were in awe thinking here was a serious athlete with only the wan spit, His body hugging Lycra Kerry outfit and his newly trimmed beard gave him a great advantage in the aerodynamics stakes. He yanked up the barrow and He tore down the pathway but it wasn't to be as the hamstring he was suffering with in the weeks prior to he contest tweaked suddenly. In Great pain, the Bomber dropped the barrow and there was only one thing for it, he pulled down the suit revealing a hidden repair kit from a hidden pocket of his suit. He took a big slug from the bottle of tae and a big bite of a crust of a ham sangwich. Casting the kit aside The Bomber farted loudly twice and picked up his wheelbarrow and made again for the line crashing over in a time of 31.19 giving him a slender lead with Carroll on points total. However upon reviewing the video of the race the referee Murphy from Cork deemed that the tae the Bomber had drank had not been Barry's tae and he was deducted 1 point for unsportingly using a Lyons tae bag. The rules of the GPA (Gaelic Pushers Association) clearly stating that the preferred tae was Barry's Tae.

So after round one Carroll from Tipp holds a slender lead over Liston with Corkery third and Loughnane a distant 4th.

The next competition next weekend in this Triathlon is the eagerly awaited Blindfolded Scaffolding and Shuttering Knockout, though with his height and dexterity about the box the Bomber is being made pre match favorite for this. A nation holds it breath.

[ludermor]

Classic Mike

[Fishead_Sam]

Ciaran Mac sure to be an inspirational leader here in the Connacht Championships with his pipe laying experience 

[ONeill]

Bravo! Bravo!

The board is saved.

[Kerry Mike]

In Birr in County Offaly last weekend 4 evenly match competitors were lined up to compete for the Leinster championship of the Builders Triathlon - Wheel Barrow - clean, lift and push event, heavyweight division.

Controversy reigned however before the event as Ciaran Whelan, after winning the Dublin Championship and the pre-event favourite was eliminated. He had competed in a professional wheel barrow event 2 weeks before and had earned the nickname "Whelo" from his adoring fans on a big blue hill at the Dublin finals and was deemed in-eligible for this amateur event and was kicked out by the referee, Sean "Herbie" Boylan of Meath in the day before the event. There was uproar in the Dublin media about Whelo being kicked out and amongst his supporters, the funny speaking Jackeens, but Herbie Boylan was having none of it, and not for the first time Whelo did not take part in the main event.

His last minute replacement was another Dublin crowd favourite, the veteran and the 1985 All Ireland Pipe Smoking runner up, Big Joe "Big Arse" McNally. Joe had planned to bring a large crowd to Birr but even though it was a fine day most people got lost as soon as they went beyond the outer reaches of the M50, and what was hoped for as a major crowd advantage for the Dubliner turned into 2 car loads of lads in 2 stolen cars wearing a mixture of Celtic and Arnotts jerseys tanked up on a few slabs of Dutch Gold and the odd line of some white substance that they had in a big 10-10-20 fertiliser bag.

The contest started 15 minutes late as it awaited Big Arse's arrival, and as he was drawn first the other 3 other competitors were kept on the warm up area. When Joe finally took his place for the warm up there was further jostling for positions as Joe wanted to warm up in his traditional area in front of his supporters.

Referee Boylan called all competitors together and gave them the rules and warned Joe that there was to be no kicking people in the hole before the national anthem was finished.

Joe finally took his starting spot and said he would go for 16 x 6" blocks. The Wheel barrow was loaded and Joe crouched awaiting Boylan's whistle. With a shrill blast Joe was away as fast as his chubby legs would take him, he had built up a good head of steam by the time he had got to the 10m mark but his fitness was called into question as he struggled to maintain the early pace, panting and breathing heavily, Joe stopped and downed 2 pints of porter and seemed to get a new lease of life, farting and sweating in profuse amounts he made it to the 50m mark in a time of 17mins and 23 secs, well outside championship pace, Joe had 3 more pints, and carried on with his slow progress and finally completed the course in new record time of 43 minutes and 21 secs, a new record in that it had never taken anyone so long to push a wheel barrow 100m before. Joe got 978 points for his efforts.

The Jackeens were trilled and did another white line and the media were all over him for interviews saying it was a great achievement so it was and that he was typical of the Dublin fighting and sporting spirit. Most of the Dublin media left Birr as soon as Joe was finished as they had no interest in the other competitors and there was a hype deadline to be achieved. An open top dumper truck was planned to take Joe on parade down O'Connell Street later that evening.

After all the morning delays Boylan called for a break for lunch, and after a feed of pints in Whelahans, next up was local favourite and ex footballer Ciaran "The Bruiser" McManus. Ciaran declared that 17 blocks would be his target, the local Biffo crowd went wild, In Ciaran's corner was Johnny "The Pilk" Pilkington and Brian "Whelo the Great" Whelahan, who was an expert in the wheelbarrow throwing class, buts that's a story for another day.

After getting a rub down by Whelo the Great and a drag of a fag and a sup of porter from The Pilk, McManus took up his position. Grabbing the handles he broke well on the whistle blast and soon got into his long typical stride. The first 50 meters covered in what looked like a great time, stopping for another sup and a fag with the Pilk at the half way mark, The Pilk told The Bruiser to pull up and save himself for the other 2 gruelling events. He took off again and crossed the tape in a great time of 22mins and 21secs, just 6 secs outside the Leinster record. The Biffos went wild again as only they can. McManus got 1379 points.

Martin "Cavity Block" Storey from Wexford was the third contestant.  With his chirpy attitude he declared that he would try for 18 blocks, the crowd said it was impossible for such a light weight, Herbie gave him a blast of smelling salts and Storey said he was ready to go. Wearing a lovely Yellow and Pink type jersey he struggled to get the wheel barrow up and moving but slowly the wheel started to turn, in typical Wexford style the pace was slow and even though he was getting there, psyched up to the hilt he kept roaring he would be dancing at the crossroads later that night as he kept on pushing for the line, the Offaly crowd were enjoying the spectacle. However just as he approached the 63m line and with a full load on board the arse fell out of his barrow. In tears Storey roared for a replacement barrow but Boylan held firm, under by law 3.14.06.C of the GPA rules "If the arse should fall out of the competitors barrow the said competitor may only use a replacement barrow if it is deemed there was outside interference with the said barrow". Storey said he had seen Pilkington in the vicinity of his wheel barrow earlier but upon investigations it was seen from CCTV footage that the Pilk had only taken a leak near the barrow , fag butts found near the area seemed to corroborated this story. Boylan declared that the result would stand and that Storey should be eliminated.

The final competitor was Mick "The Concrete Mixer" Lyons from Meath or Mick the Mixer as he was known around Summerhill. The Dublin media suddenly showed up again and immediately they objected as Lyons was from the same county as the referee, Herbie. Uproar broke out again in the quite Offaly town.  A ruling was needed and an emergency meeting of the Central Council held in Melbas declared that Herbie would have to stand down while Lyons was competing, the Replacement referee would be Tommy "The Mouth" Lyons.  This time the Offaly crowd objected sitting down on the pitch saying they had proof that The Mouth was related to the Mixer. A compromise was reached when local Biffo, Brian "The Gaffer" Cowan said he would adjudicate in the final push.

Lyons was enraged but agreed to push on if Herbie could remain in his corner, The Gaffer agreed. The Mixer said he would try for 19 blocks, a new personal best.

The crowd was hushed but there was a hissing sound from the Dublin media when Lyons wearing his 1988 Meath jersey appeared and crouched down in front of his barrow. Herbie gave Lyons a sniff of his magic bottle and a slug of poitin, the Dublin media asked Herbie if he had any white stuff to calm their nerves. The Mixer asked Herbie to hit him a slap, to get him in the groove for the contest and Herbie produced his secret weapon, Graham "The Gravel Eater" Geraghty,  GG stepped out of the crowd and gave the Mixer a few thumps, a trickle of Blood flowed from the Mixers nose but he was happy now and his gander and temper was up and when Cowan blew his whistle he was away with his barrow like a shit from a goose, the gander was not too happy looking either on top of the concrete blocks.

Disaster was narrowly avoided at around the 38m mark when a Mayo tourist stepped across The Mixers path, but Lyons not to break his stride drove over the helpless Mayo man with consummate ease, the blocks bounced dangerously in the barrow but settled back into place for to lose one at that stage would have meant certain disqualification, The Mixer grunted with the strain but pushed on. Geraghty took off his own jersey and fecked it at the Mixer to keep his ire up. 

Now within sight of the finishing line suddenly Whelo the Dub appeared from the crowd having finally found his way to Birr to support Big Joe Big Arse, Whelo was swinging wildly with his fists and his big gloves, even though it was a dry day, at the Mixer. Again not breaking stride and keeping his hands and focus on the barrow The Mixer connected with an elbow to the ribs of Whelo who crumpled out of the scene, again not for the first time. Mixer crossed the line with a final heave, a watery fart and a casual puke in an impressive time of 27.47mins and with the extra load he pulled a fine score of 1347 points. 

The final results from Birr after the day 1 event was 1st place  Ciaran "The Bruiser" McManus. 2nd place Mick "The Concrete Mixer" Lyons, 3rd place Big Joe "Big Arse" McNally and 4th going to the impressive but tiring Martin "Cavity Block" Storey. Its all to play for now as we await the next gruelling event, The Blindfolded Scaffolding and Shuttering Knockout coming to you from Boolavogue next weekend. The Dublin crowd are heading straight from Birr to ensure they get there on time.

[ONeill]

McGeeney sees off Muff's finest

The Ulster heats of the All-Ireland Blind-Folded Scaffolding Championship (AIBFSC) took place last Sunday in a wet and wondrously windy Muff in Donegal. Crowds began to gather from 5.30am as the punters who'd been turfed out of The Squealin' Pig just sat on the road waiting for the gala to commence. By the toss-up 3'665 had gathered; quite an eclectic mix of farmers, solicitors, barwomen and foreigners who had never seen Muff in Ireland.

Names were being bandied about as to who'd be competing with legendary figures such as Joey Cunningham, Sean McGourty, Ciaran McGarvey and Damien Barton amongst the rumoured participants. It wasn't until MC for the day, Anthony Molloy, told all in attendance to stand or attempt to stand for the first competitor to take the floor. His signature tune was "Don't Stand So Close To Me' which got the crowd rocking. Kieran McGeeney had taken to the stage. Stern-faced, McGeeney was drinking water from a cup and beating himself on the chest as he talcumed his impressive pecks. Molloy tied the blindfold around his head. McGeeney, still rather solemn but focused, lifted his first 6m tube and coupler and got to work. Within 15 minutes, the Mullaghbawn man had 6 standards in place, 2 ledgers, 4 transoms and was busy laying down the first board when he was distracted by a rather plump figure in the distance wearing a Higuita Columbia keeper's jersey, hollering at him in a thick Mullaghbawn accent "Quit the laughing Geezer, quit the laughing, ha ha ha." Knowing his ex-team mate Benny Tierney had turned up, McGeeney tried to block out all sound, as well as sight, but was soon making his way down the outside standard after Tierney quipped 'you'll fairly put the Lily into the Lily-Whites ye fruit, ha ha ha." Knowing he'd face immediate disqualification if he removed the blindfold, with pride injured by Benny's quips, Kieran made his way to the direction of Tierney's voice and began swinging ferociously. Three pensioners, including Oisin McConville's aunt, were soon stretchered out as Geezer continued to swing. It took 5 guards and three Muff dwellers to sedate the ex-Armagh captain. Molly awarded him 5/10. 17 were injured in total.

Next up was McGeeney's nemesis over the years, Peter Canavan. To the tune of 'Gone Too Soon', he quickly made his way onto the field in confident and cheeky form. Astonishingly he dived to the earth when lifting his first tube as if bundled by Johnny McBride. Molloy bought it and awarded Canavan an extra five minutes. Peter lifted one side of his blindfold and winked at Cavlan who'd been laid odds of 3-1 by McConville that Peter'd win the heat. Donegal great Molloy spotted the wink and disqualified Peter before he'd got his hands dirty. In solemn form, Canavan made his way off the field and over to Fergal Logan who was grinning. However even Fergal couldn't find a hole in he AIBFSC rule 33.3 which states - "No blind-folded scaffolder be it male, female or beast can forthwith hence remove the said peeper coverage at any said stage in proceedings. By entering the contest, you agree that your name, e-mail address and source code may be shared with all entrants and published on, or linked to, the results page, or shared with the discussion mailing list, after the contest is over, at our discretion."

With McGeeney ahead with only one competitor left, things were looking good for the Na Fianna gael.  The final player in the Ulster BFSC soon put paid to any hopes it'd be a walkover for Geezer. 'If You Don't Know Me By Now' echoed around Muff as Paddy Bradley made his way over in a golden leotard. Muff had never seen such colour before on a man. Bradley didn't even wait for the nod from Molloy. Within 18 minutes he'd erected enough scaffolding to cover Muff and Moville alone. A truely great performance. He'd even left the blindfold on when signing autographs, with some saying he'd signed Muff from top to bottom. All in attendance agreed he was the star of the show. Just before Molloy was to confirm Bradley's supremacy, Paddy made a fatal error. In jumping over the ropes to arrive at the presentational area, he accidentally bumped into John McGraw, chairman of the AIBFSC. McGraw, a slight Sligo man, meekly told Bradley to be careful and to take her easy. Paddy, purpled faced, swung at young McGraw, missing him by inches. He then grabbed the westerner by the throat saying "b'jaysus I've waited a long time for this type a recognition, now git." Molloy, standing above the duo, scribbled away furiously before holding up his card, scoring 4/10 for Glenullin's finest.

McGeeney progresses to the national final. 

[the Deel Rover]

any word of the connaught heat Kerry Mike ?

[Orior]

Very good lads. Did it take ye long to compose?

[Billys Boots]

Ah Shite, Niall 'Gravity's Greatest Friend' Sheridan would have walked the Leinster Final - he must have been busy that day.

[Kerry Mike]

any word of the connaught heat Kerry Mike

Just waiting for the Blue Tongue to clear the Mayo region before we can stage the Connacht event. Rumour has it reigning Connacht champion Willie Joe Padden has cut back to just 17 pints of porter a night, he must be taking the training fierce seriously this year or maybe he has a dose of the auld blue tongue, either way he will be making a huge effort whenever the first event gets off the Ground. Because of the lateness of the year  and the lasck of natural light in the evenings we will hopefully be getting underway with the 3rd event first, the gruelling but entertaining Builders Jumbo Breakfast Roll Eating Event. This years event will be of the freestyle varity. The 3 day event will take place in the lovely quaint border town of Ballaghaderreen in County Galway.   

Please note the World finals will be held in Wales this December in the dainty ex-mining village of LLANFAIRPWLLGWYNGYLLGOGERYCHWYRNDROBWLLLLANTYSILIOGOGOGOCH  (yes its a real place) or Llangogogooch for short. Book your tickets now.

[AZOffaly]

KM, I think you're missing a year or two off your signature line there.

[ONeill]

Strong rumours Anthony Finnerty has flown back to compete.

[off the laces]

Confusion Riegns in Connaught as it has emereged that Laim "The Dumptruck" McHale should have been representing Mayo and not Willie Joe Padden. sources close to the Mayo camp have informed us that Mr Padden give one off the leading judges a quick one-two before being declared the winner in a marginal vote by .5 %. Apparantly Mr McHale was so enraged he grabbed a wheelbarrow with 20 6" blocks in it and made a beeline for the leading judge, unconfirmed reports say he made the 100m distace in 9mins 30. the judge remains in Sligo general.

[small white mayoman]

Strong rumours Anthony Finnerty has flown back to compete.

He never left, larry or fat larry as he is affectionately known is in great shape and doesn't have far to travel for training as he is running his own pub in salthill. He is looking forward to the jumbo breakfast roll competion and he has been eating them morning noon and night for the last 3 months he confirmed to the local radio that he is in the best shape ever and is tipping the scales at 35 stone his pefect fighting weight