actual quotes from wedding websites as compiled by the new yorker (http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/excerpts-wedding-web-sites-wedding-season
DRESS CODE: Think Wes Anderson’s characters as they’d dress if they were being interviewed by Howard Stern, and Teddy Roosevelt if he were displayed in a taxidermy museum, mixed with Audrey Hepburn as she appears in everything. Children are welcome to dress as their favorite woodland creature. Canines, come as you are. There will be red-velvet dog cookies.
For those of you currently practicing “free the nipple,” we will supply robes for the ceremony.
We trust that the saplings we sent you two summers ago are now blossoming under your attention and care. We appreciate the time it took for you to sing Bon Iver’s “Skinny Love” to them daily. We will be planting them during the reception in what will henceforth be called The Love Forest. (For a tree-hauling service near you, contact 1-800-BIG-HAUL)
A short eight-hour drive from your lodgings is an air shuttle to the summit of Mount McKinley. Please grab an emergency protein bar before entering the Cessna. Because of the D.I.Y. nature of this affair, you may have to share an oxygen mask with your neighbor. (Remember: three breaths, then switch.) Update: Because of an avalanche that killed four tourists last week, we ask that you not make any quick or jerky movements during the ceremony.
We do not believe in weddings, as they are exclusive, unjust, and essentially a means of societal and governmental control. In order to take back ownership of our relationship, we are supplying you with a new lexicon to use at our nuptials complicitous gaining of a life partner:
Wedding = The gathering
The Big Day = The Great Day
Ceremony = The show
Vows = The important word exchange
Bride = Woman of the gathering
Groom = Man of the gathering
Cocktail hour = Time chunk of spirits
Cutting of the cake = The sacrifice
Reception = Shebang
Honeymoon = Maplesaturn
We appreciate your adherence and look forward to mingling with you after the sacrifice.
As many of you are already aware, the bride and groom are currently on a hunger strike to show their support for The People Against Chinchilla Farming. We will not be supplying food. Please do not bring food. Love will fill us up. Long live chinchillas.
Our signature cocktail, the Heart Thumper, will feature vodka infused with the tears that Greta shed after I asked her to marry me. We are so thrilled to share real artifacts from our courtship with you, our closest friends and family.
The bride and groom, as you know, are community-minded and believe foremost in philanthropy. They ask that you not bring gifts, but ask instead that you honor their union by coming prepared to donate your hair.