Messages

I have a sneaky suspicion Celtic could nip it.

Edit Paddy Power is offering 10-3 for Celtic in first match.

I have more than a sneaky suspicion that they won't lose the first game...

Fair play to you, lets hope you're right.

  deja vu on a discussion board, maybe time to take a break.

In fairness though I know a larger individual who uses these spaces as they need the extra room to open the door and physically get out of the car, seems like a valid reason.

mmmm

Very familiar.

Do you know someone as well?, fair play to them I say.

Jesus Gerry let it all out man. 

I have a sneaky suspicion Celtic could nip it.

Edit Paddy Power is offering 10-3 for Celtic in first match.

bbc football commentators coming out eith this shite "thats what the fa cup is all about"

I thought it was a meaningless competition, given such huge exposure on the BBC as they have fcuk all else to show ... well they have that past time where men wear tuxedos and spectators aren't allowed to breathe, the most feeble excuse of a "sport" in the world, oh apart from darts.

Mad Ethel



Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fishedaround in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

Tommy Cooper Jokes!

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said "You are."
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

Mentioning parking I see Asda are introducing fines.  Some of the comments at the end are brillant.

http://www.theherald.co.uk/news/news/display.var.1957992.0.60_asda_price_for_parking_in_restricted_bay.php

In fairness though I know a larger individual who uses these spaces as they need the extra room to open the door and physically get out of the car, seems like a valid reason.

Guys an idiot , Seriously if you wanted her dead you'd put a bomb in the car and blame the R/C/P-IRA/Muslims/A nut job

Think you're right, losing he plot big time.

[Busy with work, part-time course, business ventures, committee work, social life and erm.. oh yeah, the gaaboard.]

When you doing the rest?

Busy with work, part-time course, business ventures, committee work, social life and erm.. oh yeah, the gaaboard.

I am a member of a different, American based messageboard. There was a registeration fee of $2, which is donated to RAINN.

There is plenty of users and the WUMs have been cut down dramatically. No-one complains if there's been a banning and they are more respectful of the rules.

Yeah you are flat out with your busy life, albeit cyber based! 

Good Lord Red Sky, that joke has been said

Wow you hit post first.    Have a GCSE!

Already have 7

When you doing the rest?

Good Lord Red Sky, that joke has been said

Wow you hit post first.    Have a GCSE!

[In the words of MC Hammer, you cant touch this!]

and you too if you continue to break the rules

I've been as good as gold.

In the words of MC Hammer, you cant touch this!

Is there anyone who would want to?

Power does corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.