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Whist is like sex - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

[Geezer a beazer.]

Rumours are Jamie Clarke has loaded up with this pan-Atlantic beauty for AIJT 2017:

"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words."

The tone of the board seems to reflect the mood of the times. We used to have good humour here in the good times.

ONeill
Registered User
Posts: 978
(5/4/06 22:38)

Reply   Re: All-Ireland short-joke telling competition

Geezer a beazer.

Kildare Times
4-4-06

Naas provided a fascinating backdrop to the All-Ireland Celebrity Joke Telling Gala last weekend in the heartland of the Lily-White folk. A plethora of horses sped past the arena that morning, resembling days of yore or something from For a Few Dollars More or the like. As with the Eurovision, the traditional standard has not been of a high quality at the joke-telling weekend in recent years though some may say therein lays the beauty of the contest. A look through the archives on the way down showed previous winners such as Willie Joe Padden, Mick O'Connell, Ray Silke, Peter Quinn, Barney Rock, Brian McEniff and Brian Stafford. This year's entrants meant that the unique standard would be maintained into 2006 – the 30th year of the competition. The trophy is named after that first winner, Pat Spillane who told the joke about the circus. Before the start it was revealed Pillar Caffrey had been replaced by Dessie Farrell and Ger Loughnane by Billy Morgan

39'003 crammed into the community arena despite safety fears emanating from the Leinster Board. However, as it was a field of 40 acres, their fears were unfounded. To a raucous chorus of boos, Dessie Farrell entered the arena drinking Lucozade Sport and bearing the legend GAP on his back, but everyone knew what he meant. Referee Geroid O'Cinneabhe sounded the commencement trumpet as the Dubliner cleared his throat for what he hoped would be a telling contribution that night. As the last boo was quelled, in a thick Jackeen brogue, looking downwards, he uttered:

"She says, 'To think I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.' He says 'You should've realised that when I asked you to marry me!' "

Unfortunately, Farrell made the mistake of laughing at his own joke before any reaction from the crowd. As with a red rag to the bull, the crowd began baying for the blood of the Dubliner. One section of the crowd, wearing Kilmacud jerseys, were actually in hysterics because of the joke and this was not lost on the rather embarrassed adjudicators. One on-looker managed to run past the stewards, sprinted up behind Farrell, and kicked him mightily up the arse, much to the mirth of the now confused crowd. A mixture of hatred, hilarity and fear gripped the auditorium as the fan was escorted out of the county in a Nissan Sunny Automatic. Farrell was awarded 6.

Next up was Mickey Moran, an Ulster man representing the western province. Refusing to acknowledge the mildly-clapping spectators, the tall beanpole marched towards the microphone and bellowed:

"The diner says, 'This meat has gone off – fetch me the head waiter'. The waiter replied 'He's gone off too sir. It's his half-day.' "

Astonishment reverberated around the field. Never had such a consistently inept standard graced the All-Ireland final. Moran knew it. He dropped his shoulders, apologised with a meek "sorry" and trudged off the arena in deathly silence. He hit a man on the way. He was awarded 3.

Bursting with confidence was Billy Morgan. He had witnessed two of his closest rivals completely bomb in front of a demanding audience. He new he had a clinker up his sleeve. He had tried out his joke on three family members the previous week. Two had to be admitted to Cork County Hospital with rib injuries due to laughing violently. The third died happily. Billy knew he had the title in the bag and had waged upwards of E200'000 on himself in Cashman's the previous day. Many of the crowd were onto the tip and his rapturous welcome reflected their confidence in the Cork great. Lifting a title with Spillane's name on it would be a wee bit of a bane, but he was willing to grin and bear it for a cool E1.5m in his pocket. However, disaster struck as the great Rebel cockily approached the stand. Just as he was about to take the mic, O'Cinneabhe, inexplicably at first, showed Morgan the red card. Bedlam ensued. Billy remonstrated vehemently with the Roscommon/Galway official as thousands of punters clung despairingly to their dockets. Geroid approached the mic and uttered "Under rule 7.342 of the All-Ireland Joke and/or Story Telling Association, Billy has committed a cardinal error, for it states; 'On commencing the joke/story one must not look directly at the crowd for fear of endearing oneself to the affections of the aforementioned congregation, be it a cheeky smile or/and a delectable wink forthwith'. I have no choice but to disallow Morgan's attempt."

Mayhem broke out. Thousands of fathers had waged their weekly allowance on Morgan's side-splitting joke. Chairs were sailing through the cold Naas air as Morgan's followers fisticuffed their way onto the podium. An all-out brawl between stewards and audience was still on-going when the final contestant, Kieran McGeeney strode his way into the field of play. He grabbed the mic, looking at his feet for fear of a similar disqualification and roared "Get back. Get back." The forcefulness of the Armagh man's convictions halted violent proceedings as the crowd waited for the next instructions from Geezer. Undaunted, the Mullaghbawn man said

"How do you kill a circus?"

As one the crowd retorted "dunno."

McGeeney, with a hint of a smirk replied,

"Go for the juggler"

Well, they say the 60s were the decade of mass love. If you'd been in Naas at 4.45pm last Saturday, you'd have though you went back in time 40 years. Laughs, hugs and a wee bit of riding ensued. Geezer was automatically handed the Spillane Cup. He not only saved the day. He reaffirmed our belief in the AIJT series.

[Drumgath]

JFC Final
Teconnaught v Drumgath

MFC Final
Liatriom v Burren

[Clonduff]

SFC Final
Kilcoo v Clonduff

IFC Final
An Riocht v Bredagh

[Burren]

SFC
Kilcoo v Burren
Bryansford v Clonduff

IFC
Darragh Cross v An Riocht
Carryduff v Bredagh

JFC
St Michael's v Teconnaught
Dundrum v Drumgath

RFC Final
Bryansford v Ballyholland

PRFC
Kilcoo v Burren

[Castlewellan]

Down GAA Senior Football Championship Sponsored by Morgan Fuels
Clonduff v Castlewellan
CPN v Kilcoo
Bryansford v Downpatrick
Burren V Mayobridge

Down GAA Intermediate Football Championship Sponsored by Trócaire
St John's v Carryduff
An Ríocht v Drumaness
Liatroim v Darragh Cross
Bredagh v Tullylish

Down GAA Junior Football Championship Sponsored by Trócaire
St Michael's v Ballykinlar
Bright v Dundrum
Teconnaught v St Paul's
Drumgath v Aughlisnafin

[Mayobridge]

SFC
Mayobridge v Ballyholland
Downpatrick v Rostrevor
Kilcoo v Loughinisland
Castlewellan v Longstone

IFC
Clann na Banna v Tullylish
Saul v Carryduff
Drumaness v Dromara
Glasdrumman v Darragh Cross

JFC
Aghaderg v Ballykinlar
Dundrum v Mitchels
Ardglass v Drumgath

[Mayobridge]

SFC
Mayobridge v Clonduff
Castlewellan v Bryansford
Kilcoo v Burren
CPN v Downpatrick

Rostrevor v Ballymartin
Longstone v Saval
Loughinisland v Annaclone
Glenn v Ballyholland

IFC
Glasdrumman v An Riocht
Saul v Bredagh
Liatrom v Tullylish
St John's v Drumaness

Kilclief v Dromara
Clann Na Banna v Atticall
Bosco v Carryduff
Shamrocks v Darragh Cross

[Kilcoo]

SFC First Round
Kilcoo v Saval
Rostrevor v Mayobridge
Clonduff v Ballyholland
Loughinisland v Castlewellan
CPN v Annaclone
Downpatrick v Longstone
Glenn v Byransford
Burren v Ballymartin

IFC First Round
Bosco v Drumaness
Dromara v Glasdrumman
An Riocht v Darragh Cross
Bredagh v Carryduff
Atticall v Liatriom
Shamrocks v St Johns
Saul v Clann na Banna
Tullylish v Kilclief

No clue how Liverpool allocate their tickets but i'll eat my hat if last night wouldn't have been one of the easier aways of the season to get a ticket for...

Your hat should be fine, mainly because you can't prove a negative. Where I am coming from is the situation that my brother-in-law finds himself in. He never has any problem getting League Cup away tickets but getting FA Cup away tickets is an exercise in torment.

(Borrowing from) rule #1 - can we see a picture of the hat?
Before mind.

Lawrenson was the best player ever to play for the 26 county team.

I think you meant second best.

Would a negative whinger take aim at the apparent tautology in his descriptor?

I worked in a house once and the woman had 9 cats roaming around inside.
That might not seem that bad, apart from the fact that there was cat shite and piss everywhere, and I mean everywhere.
It was on the floor, on the kitchen worktop, in bedroom, it was every f**king where!
It was one of the most revolting things I've ever seen. The smell was horrendous.
The homeowner seemed oblivious to the smell or state of the place.

Was she a nordie?

[Castlewellan]

SFC
Castlewellan v Kilcoo
JFC
Ardglass v Glasdrumman

[Rostrevor]

MFC
Shamrocks v Rostrevor

IFC
Loughinisland v An Riocht