1. Use the pages as fillers for potential mouse-holes.
No.2 = Put it in the Christmas pudding and see who gets it.
3. use as bog roll
4. Use it as a leveller to fix that irksome wonky Christmas-tree base
5. Use it to test your new silage maker.
6. Use the blank pages at the back to plan an escape from the wife on Sunday.
7. Get someone to correct the mistakes in it!
8 - Read it and agree with him ;)
9 - Donate it to Club Tyrone charity auction
10. Lend it to Tyronies who don't want to buy it. ;D
11. Throw it at the TV when the nap for the 3.15 at doncaster lets you down by a nose.
(Ill leave out the most obvious one)
12. Pin it up in the Tyrone dressing room before next years Ulster Semi final
13. Hit Tyrone people over the head with it and tell them to get over themselves and move on!
:P
14. Same as I do with a lot of GAA books. Take it down from the shelf in the bookshop. Check the index. Read any bits where it mentions Meath. Put it back on the shelf.
15. Throw out all the Gideon bibles in hotel rooms and replace with a copy of Oisin's book - it may be read more in hotel rooms than in Tyrone.
Is there a chance the bookmakers got it wrong... sounds like a cheaply made book.
If someone was approaching you to strike you then you could swiftly hold the book up and deflect the blow.
17. If your marker was about to bite you then you could stick it in his gob. Would stop the biting and trash talk.
18. Use the unsold copies to build a new school or hospital.
19. It could be a prize in a competition in that magazine ONeill edits; Fearon could win it and start a new thread telling us all about it, not realising he was the only entry.
20. Armagh fans could use it argue that 'technically' Armagh will be remembered as a better team than Tyrone because of it and you don't really need a 2nd All-Ireland to be a great team so long as you have a book. ;D
21. For tyrone players -Tape it to your chest under the jersey and use it as ballast, so you can hit the deck quicker when diving for a free in games (after minimal contact - if any at all !) ;) :D
22. Use it as a foreword to your new thesis on paranoia and "chip on shoulderitis"- how a few paragraphs in a book can get a whole county's supporters even further up their own asses!!
23. For new Armagh Squad players - Stick it under your jersies to bulk up in extra quick time thus avoiding the "supplements" ;) and other toxic crap that you are forced to eat that makes you grow breasts. :D ;D
Lick any pictures of John McEntee
25. Read it
Swap it for Peter and Jane books in Derry schools as the even larger typeface and simply constructed sentences will help the inbreds' offspring learn to read more quickly than is normally the case, say by age 14.
Is it recycable ?
26 Use it as the top line one the eye chart at an Opticians
Quote from: thebandit on November 16, 2007, 01:33:49 PM
25. Read it
Now you're just talking nonsense.
27. Read it to see why this (http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=sw8ZL_gcTSM) is a work of genius
29) Post it to T Fearon and hope he gets as much enjoyment from the book as he does when he receives letters from tuam, is it handwritten ;)
30. It would make a great xmas present for everyone on the Tyrone Panel ;)
30. Give it to a cryptographer and see what subliminal messages can be extracted......
Quote from: red hander on November 16, 2007, 01:53:53 PM
Swap it for Peter and Jane books in Derry schools as the even larger typeface and simply constructed sentences will help the inbreds' offspring learn to read more quickly than is normally the case, say by age 14.
? ? ? - are there many tyronie kids going to school in Derry ?
31. Make tyronie kids going to school in Derry read this book when on Detention - as severe punishment!
:D
33. Put a picture of Kenny Rogers on the cover and sell it as his autobiography in "non-nationalist" areas.
(Inspired by the legendary entrepreneur selling statues of Blessed Martin de Porres around the Falls, who doubled his sales by selling them up the Shankill as Joe Louis).
36. Take five or six of them, pretend it's a stack of bibles and ask Ricey did he really not say those things to Oisín.
37. Circulate it in primary schools as an illustration of no matter how much financial trouble you get yourself in that if you whine and tell enough lies hopefully you will be bailed out.
38. If you are seeking to end your marriage, read the book out loud in bed, thereby fooling the wife into thinking the divorce was her idea.
39. If you kidnap someone, you could cut out some of the words and make a handy ransom note.
Quote from: saffron sam2 on November 16, 2007, 03:02:26 PM
39. If you kidnap someone, you could cut out some of the words and make a handy ransom note.
Thanks for this one.
40. Let Santa know about (just in case he doesn't) so as he can bring it to all the good boys and girls
41. Take it to your local Bookmakers and back against every tip Oisin ever gave as he is obviously not very good at punting.
42. If you're pintsofguinness, use it to press wildflowers between the pages.
43. If you're Bud, use it to press wild Dubs between the pages.
44. Dress up as Hitler Youth and burn it in the middle of the town square
46. If your AZ you can use it for practice. Read it with a highlighter and compile a list of all spelling and grammar errors for the editor :)
47. Use 1, maybe 2 to cover up Micky Harte's sunroof
Quote from: Gnevin on November 16, 2007, 04:00:35 PM
46. If your AZ you can use it for practice. Read it with a highlighter and compile a list of all spelling and grammar errors for the editor :)
Sorry couldn't resist :-X.
48. If you're from Glasnevin get someone to read it to you.
Their! :P
Quote from: Hardy on November 16, 2007, 04:37:04 PM
48. If you're from Glasnevin get someone to read it to you.
Their! :P
:D :D :D
49. Ask for a refund!
Quote from: Puckoon on November 16, 2007, 04:38:17 PM
Quote from: Hardy on November 16, 2007, 04:37:04 PM
48. If you're from Glasnevin get someone to read it to you.
Their! :P
:D :D :D
Feckin hate the lot of you. This is a feckin witch hunt so it is. There is no need for it ! :P ;D
Ah Jeez leave the lad alone!
50. If you are Paddy Power / William Hill / Lad Broke buy all the books, thus keeping a lid on the idea that the punter ever loses money.
51. It'd make a great foundation for a hamster house.
52. It'd make a great Algarve-style flat roof for a hamster house
53 ....................................
Read it and enjoy again and again ...................................................................................................
54. If you live in Clones you could sell it from your front garden on Ulster final day to supplement your meagre income from selling crisps & warm cans of cola.
Quote from: Over the Bar on November 16, 2007, 07:57:00 PM
54. If you live in Clones you could sell it from front garden on Ulster final day to supplement your meagre income from selling crisps & warm cans of cola.
;D Classic
55. You could replace the pennies keeping the clock on Big Ben accuate with the book and take bets on whether the clock will run faster or slower or,indeed, be even more accurate.
57. Give it to the Cork or Dublin footballers as motivation, at least McConville has got his hands on Sam in the last 10 years.
58. Read it, find out where he went wrong with the gambling. then sell the book and start your life as a Pro Gambler. ;)
59. Rip off the front cover, and tape it to your forehead, Hey presto you have a reflective orange headband for those dark winter evenings.
60. You gotto know when to hold them, know when to fold them........I folded it after the first page in the shop.
61. When this thread reaches it's natural conclusion, rush to Oisin's publishers and get it in print.
62. Use the page numbers to teach Over The Bar about big numbers, in particular what number follows 30.
63. Give a copy to Marc O'Se so he can put it in his arse pocket to get the author to sign it.
Most of Oisin's last appearance in Croke Park in an Armagh jersey in 06 was spent in the same O'Se arse pocket and being outscored from play by 2 point to Nil by a corner back :P
64. Buy it, take all the words in it, and jumble them about at random... then see if there is any more truth in it after that.
65. Show it to some Oriental folk, just to demonstrate how unintelligible their writings might have been had they not chosen to use pictographs!
66. Since this is the only book he is likely to write (or get someone else to write on his behalf like this one) this is another one-in-a-row just like the the other one-in-a-row All-Ireland Senior title Armagh have managed to win.
[Edited by Mod3]
Quote from: Over the Bar on November 16, 2007, 10:56:54 PM
Bait a gullible fish with it or failing that bate yer wife with it? (after a bottle of buckie)
I always call in when i see a comment about Mc Conville from you, the Mods are usually right behind you !
67. Cut a hole straight through the middle of it and look at blades walking down the street.
trade er in at the bookies
69. Laugh because 69 is rude.
70. Judge it by it's cover (just for the hell of it).
Get Oisin some crayons from Santa and help him to colour it in
72. Approach the Ian Paisley Film Production to sell them the film rights.
73. Put it on the end of a fishing line and see all the sukkas rushing towards it.
74) use it as a fly squatter
75. Put it on the mantlepiece to keep the children away from the fire
Quote from: Captain Scarlet on November 16, 2007, 03:35:47 PM
44. Dress up as Hitler Youth and burn it in the middle of the town square
Best on yet, you could of course change Hitler Youth for Tyrone Supporters
76. Give it to a much-disliked relative as a Christms present.
77. Steady the wonky table in the kitchen with it.
78. Use it to toilet train the dog.
79. Put it on your head and balance it. Hey presto. Aaron Kernan.
80 - DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT GET ME ONE FOR CRIMBO.
81 - GIFT IT TO ALL WHO ANNOY YOU.
82 Use it as a Tee to sit the ball on for goalies to help them with their kick outs !
84. Read it to your children at night to sleep to sleep.
What Ziggy ? And give them nightmares ? ;)
Quote79. Put it on your head and balance it. Hey presto. Aaron Kernan.
LOL. A classic! ;D
Good one.
86. Send a copy to Dessie Farrell - all this money floating about in the game from book publishing, etc. There must be some way the the GPA can get a piece of it.
87. Get One Bar to endorse the book.
88. Go around the neighbourhood with the book in the palm of your hand. Knock on the doors and say 'have you heard the Good News?' They'll think you're a Jehovah and close the door. Some polite granny will stand on. Read the chapter about Ricey riding his sister/ma/girlfriend.
ONeill, I'm surprised and disappointed that you haven't posted an indepth appraisal of the book on Amazon. But hey, who needs an Amazon review when we have nearly 88 uses for said book.
http://www.amazon.com/Gambler-Oisin-McConvilles-Story/dp/1845962958/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195425120&sr=8-1 (http://www.amazon.com/Gambler-Oisin-McConvilles-Story/dp/1845962958/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195425120&sr=8-1)
Has anyone suggested the book could be one of the contents of a GAA time capsule?
Make that 89.
90. As a proud orangeman, it is only right that Oisin's book be used to fan the flames of the Twelfth Night bonfire at Markethill next July.
91. Donate all the unsold copies to the Fire Service to soak up all the diesel Oisin's comrades have dumped around the country.
92. Pulp a copy into tissue paper and give it to McMenamin to dry his eyes after his teams exit from the Ulster Club championship
93. It could be used as the gamblers anonymous official guide!
94. Use it to train your pitbull to fight
OTB, I have edited yet another snide comment from you. You are now banned for 5 days. When you come back, leave this subject alone if you cannot post without putting something libellous or out of order.
95. Give it to the gaaboardmod3 to remove any comments about Tyrone players.
96. The next time a Tyrone player tries to get off a suspension on a technicality, throw it at him.
Beat Dooher around the face with it and try to improve his looks. One slap should improve it but just for security reasons you should do it in 8 hour shifts.
Sean Cavanagh could get 2 copies and use them for wing mirrors :D :D
98. If you're Paul Hearty or Plunkett Donaghy (or indeed a midfielder from Meath), you could stock pile a load of them along your goal line, covering the goal entirely. This would help you deal with nasty high balls dropping just under the cross bar in the last minute of big matches.
99. Keep a copy in your car at all times to pass the night if your fanbelt breaks and you have neglected to bring a spare pair of womens' tights, the recommended remedy for this problem. Don't get mixed up and try to use the book to replace the fanbelt. That won't work.
Number 100 better be a good one.
100. Give it to Ryan McMenamin to use as replacement for his missing front teeth. Then, he can say he shoved McConville's words..erm.. back down his own mouth....
Delighted to be 101! You should read it. It's good! It's entertaining! And he deserves a break!
Send it in bulk to the public schools of Blighty so all the Wilkinson-Smythe juniors can put it down the backs of their short trousers when they're about to be caned by their fags...
; On a warm summers evenin on a train bound for nowhere,
I met up with the gambler; we were both too tired to sleep.
So we took turns a starin out the window at the darkness
til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.
He said, son, Ive made a life out of readin peoples faces,
And knowin what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
So if you dont mind my sayin, I can see youre out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey Ill give you some advice.
So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said, if youre gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.
You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when youre sittin at the table.
Therell be time enough for countin when the dealins done.
Now evry gambler knows that the secret to survivin
Is knowin what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
cause evry hands a winner and evry hands a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.
So when hed finished speakin, he turned back towards the window,
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even.
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep.
You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when youre sittin at the table.
Therell be time enough for countin when the dealins done.
You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count you r money when youre sittin at the table.
Therell be time enough for countin when the dealins done.