God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church April 21, 2009
FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Parishioners at the First Presbyterian Church were left stunned and in awe of His glory Sunday, when the Lord God Almighty dropped by their 11 a.m. service unannounced.
Our Father, the Almighty God, popped His all-powerful head into First Presbyterian Church Sunday. Interrupting Pastor Terry Pridgen's sermon on His unending mercy, God appeared suddenly before His flock as an intense beam of white light, instantly dispersing the earthly forms of those seated in the first two pews. Sources said the remaining congregants had to avert their eyes from their Creator, whose booming celestial voice overwhelmed their worldly senses and humbled their hearts as He politely apologized for not calling first.
"I AM the God of Abraham, the LORD MOST HIGH, who brought you forth from the bondage of Egypt," God said unto church members, many of whom cowered in reverent fear of Him. "Thought I'd just pop in and see how things were going. Please, pretend like I'm not even here." The Supreme Being then thanked the choir for its "lovely introduction" and took a seat to the right of the altar.
According to wholly repentant witnesses, who were scarcely able to look upon the Alpha and Omega, much less conceive of the enormity of His Might, God did not speak again for the entirety of the service, but was seen nodding approvingly during the Nicene Creed. Attendees reportedly did not ask the One Who Made Them Flesh why He had chosen to visit their small parish, though some suspected the church's new electric organ might have had something to do with it. "I don't think anyone knew He was coming," said churchgoer Ron Stiehl, adding that, for once, he was happy his wife dragged him to church. "At least it seemed that way when He started walking toward us and everyone was yelling their heads off like it was Judgment Day."
"Turns out the King of Kings was just making the rounds," Stiehl continued. "I thought He'd be taller." While God did not reveal unto man a reason for His visit—nor did He, in His great wisdom, offer to pay for the six stained-glass windows that shattered from the awesome power of His presence—the Almighty sat among His followers for the last 35 minutes of the Sunday service, as well as the free coffee and pastries that followed.
Sources said that Our Father sat alone eating two cinnamon-sugar doughnuts, and was approached only once, when 5-year-old Jeremy Pacheco tried to hug the omnipotent deity. The boy's parents immediately yanked him away. The other 112 church members avoided God entirely, and reacted to His continued stay with a mix of astonishment, confusion, fearful reverence, and the sublime inner peace that comes with the knowledge of a power greater than oneself. "I wanted to ask the Lord what heaven is like, and if my mother is there, but I wasn't sure if it's still considered taking His name in vain when you address Him directly," Wendy Alston said. "And I didn't dare draw attention to myself with two teenagers wearing blue jeans to church. I could barely look at Him, I was so ashamed." "Oh dear God," said 72-year-old church volunteer Michael Sharpe, completely enraptured by the materialization of the One True Creator before his very eyes. "Oh, dear God in heaven."
Since the Almighty's decision to stop by the First Presbyterian Church, the theological world has been thrown into chaos. Presbyterian leaders said God's appearance was indisputable proof that their denomination is the one true faith, but afternoon sightings of the Lord at two other Fayetteville churches, as well as one synagogue, have cast doubt on that theory. "God said He just wanted to see what we were up to," Pastor Pridgen said. "This is His house, after all. He can drop in whenever He wants."
"Although, you'd think an all-knowing deity unbound by time and space would be able to give us some warning so we could at least put a bulletin in the church newsletter," the pastor added. "Not that I'm complaining or anything. All praise be to God. Is He still hanging around the parking lot?"
Quote from: Billys Boots on April 22, 2009, 09:45:02 AM
God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church April 21, 2009
"Turns out the King of Kings was just making the rounds," Stiehl continued. "I thought He'd be taller."
The other 112 church members avoided God entirely
:D :D :D :D
Seymour Hersh Uncovers New Thing Too Sad To Think About, April 22, 2009 |
NEW YORK—Sources at The New Yorker said a new article by investigative journalist Seymour Hersh "blows the lid completely off" a subject matter far too soul-crushing for the human brain to process. Hersh, renowned for breaking stories on events such as the My Lai Massacre and Abu Ghraib, is said to have plumbed every last, depressing detail of the newly uncovered topic, which likely involves an inconceivable combination of violence, drunken abuses of power, wanton disregard for the sanctity of human life, and a chain of deceit and corruption leading all the way to the top. According to a recent poll, none of The New Yorker's nearly 1 million subscribers had summoned the strength to crack the story's first paragraph, instead turning to the new Roz Chast cartoon on the next page.
Vindictive Movie Studio Threatens To Make 'Coyote Ugly' Sequel, May 8, 2009 | Issue 45•19
BURBANK, CA—Telling the movie-going public that it had "better start falling in line," executives at Touchstone Pictures announced Monday that if they do not immediately see a significant increase in box-office receipts they will not hesitate to produce a sequel to the 2000 film Coyote Ugly.
Unless ticket sales climb, producers say they'll redirect the funding from 16 indie films into Coyote Ugly II.
The original movie—which follows a small-town girl who supports her songwriting dreams by taking a job as one of many scantily clad barmaids at a New York City hot spot—was widely considered by critics to be a vapid cultural travesty. According to Touchstone Pictures president Peter Zaiff, however, if the nation doesn't continue to blindly accept all products distributed by the entertainment industry, he'll produce a sequel to the film that "makes the first Coyote Ugly look like On The f**king Waterfront."
"We are dead serious, you assholes," Zaiff said. "You're going to like what we tell you to like, end-of-f**king-story. Now fill up those seats, or so help me God, it's Coyote Ugly II: Get Uglier."
"I'll get Rachel Bilson to star in this piece of shit right now," added Zaiff, sneering and brandishing a BlackBerry. "She's the worst."
Zaiff said that not only would Touchstone do everything in its power to make the sequel the most repellant, soulless, pandering film ever released, but that all of the resources of the studio, as well as those of its parent company Walt Disney, would be dedicated to promoting the film.
If you think Tyra Banks won't sign on for this pile of garbage again, you're dead f**king wrong.
"For six months you won't be able to do so much as buy a cup of coffee without having to stare at ads for this pile of puke," Zaiff said. "We'll inundate you with so many promotions and cross-promotions, you'll see the logo in your nightmares. Anytime you look at a screen it will be completely plastered with the faces of whatever MTV rejects we decide to cast in this abortion."
"Get ready to herd your fat asses in to watch it, you fat fucks," added Zaiff, promising to release the movie after awards season, but before summer blockbusters arrive, so there will be nothing else for moviegoers to see.
Zaiff threatened that LeAnn Rimes, who scored a major pop hit with the song "Can't Fight The Moonlight" on the soundtrack of the first film, would record a new song for the sequel titled "(Still) Can't Fight The Moonlight." Additionally, industry insiders have indicated that Coyote Ugly II will have so little respect for its audience's intelligence that everyone who appears on screen will wear a Pepsi T-shirt at all times.
Zaiff emphasized that even the most discerning movie fans will have little choice but to watch the new film.
"And for all you snobby fucks who say you wouldn't come within a mile of this f**king movie, we've got plans for you, too," Zaiff said. "You're not safe from this shit-show. Who's your favorite actor? Frank Langella? Malkovich? How about John-f**king-Malkovich? We'll dangle so much money in front of his face he'll sell out faster than a five-dollar whore."
"Just try us," Zaiff continued. "I swear to God, I will personally dig up Stanley Kubrick's rotting corpse and attach him to this project myself if I have to."
If his studio's balance sheet doesn't improve, Zaiff has promised to use his connections to ensure that a shot-for-shot remake of Fast & Furious appears in theaters the moment the original version heads to DVD. Still, he maintained that his company's vitriol was about more than financial profit. The threats, he said, were primarily intended to let the nation know exactly what the entertainment industry is capable of.
"You sorry bastards don't get it, do you?" Zaiff said. "It's not about the money. It's about who calls the shots. I'll burn the f**king profits—I don't care. Or we'll use it to make Coyote Ugly III. And Coyote Ugly IV. How would you dicks like that? Get it through your thick f**king skulls: You do what we tell you to do."
The response across the country has been largely compliant, with many Americans apologizing publicly and promising to see every film released, regardless of quality.
"For the love of God, anything but a Coyote Ugly sequel," said filmgoer John Deenan, who vividly remembers suffering though years of the first film on cable. "Please, I'll do whatever they want. I swear."
"Although, I'd probably go see it if they made it," Deenan added.
Nation Ready To Be Lied To About Economy Again, May 4, 2009
WASHINGTON—After nearly four months of frank, honest, and open dialogue about the failing economy, a weary U.S. populace announced this week that it is once again ready to be lied to about the current state of the financial system.
Tired of hearing the grim truth about their economic future, Americans demanded that the bald-faced lies resume immediately, particularly whenever politicians feel the need to divulge another terrifying problem with Wall Street, the housing market, or any one of a hundred other ticking time bombs everyone was better off not knowing about.
In addition, citizens are requesting that the phrase, "It will only get worse before it gets better," be permanently replaced with, "Things are going great. Enjoy yourselves."
"I thought I wanted a new era of transparency and accountability, but honestly, I just can't handle it," Ohio resident Nathan Pletcher said. "All I ever hear about now is how my retirement has been pushed back 15 years and how I won't be able to afford my daughter's tuition when she grows up." "From now on, just tell me the bullshit I want to hear," Pletcher added. "Tell me my savings are okay, everybody has a job, and we're No. 1 again. Please, just lie to my face."
The national call for decreased candor began last month, after the Department of Labor released another soul-crushing report that most Americans agreed "wasn't helping anything" and "didn't need to be so specific, at least."
The report estimated that 663,000 private and public sector jobs were lost in the month of March—a revealing statistic many people found shockingly blunt. Responding to the new information, an overwhelming majority of citizens said they believe that, during these extremely uncertain times, our leaders have a responsibility to come together, sit the American people down, and lie through their teeth about everything from misappropriations of taxpayer dollars to the severity of the credit crisis.
"I don't need to be constantly reminded that the lack of regulations on Wall Street compounded with failing institutions like AIG basically plunged the world economy into a global recession," said 32-year-old office manager Alexis Harrington. "What I want is for someone to tell me with a straight face that the GDP is through the roof so that I can feel better and instantly forget what all these terms even mean."
"For the first time in my life I know who the secretary of the treasury is," Harrington continued. "And I don't like it." Reluctantly informed citizens like Harrington have also asked that CEOs of the nation's five largest banks release a joint statement saying that the October bailout worked perfectly, normal lending has resumed, and that we're nowhere close to having the entire monetary system collapse upon itself like a house of cards.
According to a CBS News/New York Times poll, 98 percent of Americans no longer appreciate President Barack Obama's attempts to break down the economic crisis into simple terms they can understand. Instead, many say the president should have the decency to insult their intelligence by using complex jargon to confuse and deceive them, perhaps even implying that the subprime mortgage fallout was just a big misunderstanding that resulted from a clerical error.
"I know when he's telling the truth, and it bothers me," recently laid-off schoolteacher Mary Hanover said of Obama. "He gets this serious expression on his face and says things like, 'This is the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression.' Who needs to hear that? For Christ's sake, smile a bit and say we just found a diamond mine under Montana that's going to pay for everything. I'll believe you."
"Please, treat me like a child. Treat me like a five-year-old," Sacramento resident David Cooke, 64, wrote in a letter to Congress. "I lost everything when the Dow tanked, and I'm too old to start working again, so why punish me further by explaining in detail the clever ways these investment firms ripped me off and how they're all going to get away with it?"
Thus far, many policymakers in Washington have responded favorably to their constituents' requests, saying they respect and understand the public's need for dishonesty.
"I think we can accommodate the American people on this," Senate majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) told reporters. "Why, just today we made excellent progress with GM, whose CEO Fritz Henderson told us that every penny of federal and taxpayer funds would go directly to the construction of three new auto plants in Detroit that will create over 90,000 new jobs and spark the economic rebound we've been waiting for."
Continued Reid, "Things are looking very, very bright."
http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2009/05/the-daily-wrap-7.html (http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2009/05/the-daily-wrap-7.html)
Nike Introduces New Intercourse Shoe, May 15, 2009 | Issue 45•20
BEAVERTON, OR—In yet another first for the world's premier athletic footwear manufacturer, Nike announced Tuesday the nationwide launch of the Air Fornicator, a lightweight copulating shoe designed to maximize sexual performance. The newly released Air Fornicators promise better traction during coitus.
"Nike is proud to continue its commitment to new and innovative products with the first ever sneaker developed exclusively for sex," president and CEO Mark Parker said. "Stylishly sculpted and contoured for enhanced comfort, the featherlight Air Fornicator provides superior energy return to reduce fatigue and boost the libido."
"With this shoe you will last longer, experience more pleasure, and f**k smarter," Parker added. According to a Nike press release, the Air Fornicator's cutting-edge support system creates maximum foot stability, which in turn improves coital alignment, increases clitoral stimulation, and deepens penetration. The revolutionary midsole component reportedly works to adapt to the user's pelvic motions and cushions the overall shock of repetitive grinding.
Retailing for $175, the Air Fornicator will be available in high-tops and low-tops and in a variety of passion-inducing color schemes. Nike design engineers subjected the Air Fornicators to a battery of erotic tests on multiple surfaces.
Senior Nike footwear designer Barry Hudson said the shoe's outer sole was constructed from a durable carbonized rubber to improve grip, enhance traction, and prevent slipping on a variety of surfaces, including carpeting, concrete, wallpaper, hardwood, and silk. In addition, Hudson claimed that the rounded CliMax-brand air heel facilitates more efficient thrusting and lustful pounding.
"We made dozens of adjustments to the tread pattern to ensure balance, as well as proper support for arched backs," Hudson said. "And the soles were designed to minimize sliding around in bodily fluids. You can make love standing up in a puddle of massage oil and you won't fall down." Nike's research department performed thousands of trials on the Air Fornicator over a 16-month period, including a number of stamina tests and other off-site experiments intended to gauge the intercourse shoe's robustness. Engineers, who observed couples in a variety of sexual positions, found several cases in which the Air Fornicator suddenly flew loose during intense coitus, a problem they remedied by tightening the lacing pattern and adding a Velcro strap for security.
A nationwide marketing campaign for the copulation sneaker will debut this Friday with a 60-second television ad scheduled to air on all major networks. The ad, shot in black-and-white and accompanied by the Led Zepellin song "Whole Lotta Love," features a montage of several slow-motion scenes. These include a shot of a sweat-covered man pleasuring his wife, who reaches climax seconds later, shattering their bed's headboard; a high-angled pan of a woman rolling her wheelchair up a steep hill while making love to her partner; and finally, a close-up of an Olympic runner, who bends over to lace up his Air Fornicators, before the camera pulls back to reveal his teammate approaching from behind with a strap-on dildo.
Sales for the new shoe are expected to be strong."My wife enjoys it when I make love to her, but I usually wind up feeling tired and sore," focus group volunteer Michael Nelson said. "Since getting the Air Fornicators, though, I've been giving it to her all the time. It hardly even feels like f**king anymore."
While Nike marketers found that consumers responded favorably to the product's claim of helping them "get into the erogenous zone," a small percentage were still not convinced.
"I'm not going to spend $175 on an intercourse shoe when I only have sex like once a month at most," Dallas native Erica Graham said. "They would probably just sit in the closet and gather dust."
Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job, November 5, 2008 | Issue 44•45
WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation's broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, "It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can't catch a break."
Some news here that should bother some of our members.
Study: Watching Fewer Than Four Hours Of TV A Day Impairs Ability To Ridicule Pop Culture
NEW YORK—A Columbia University study released Tuesday suggests that viewing fewer than four hours of television a day severely inhibits a person's ability to ridicule popular culture.
"An hour or two of television per day simply does not provide enough information to effectively mock mediocre sitcoms, vapid celebrities, music videos, and talk-show hosts—an essential skill in modern society," said Dr. Madeleine Ben-Ami, a professor of cognitive science and chief author of the study. "The average person requires a minimum of four to six hours of television programming each day to be conversant on the subject of The Apprentice or able to impersonate Anna Nicole Smith."
Tracking 800 individuals between the ages of 15 and 39, researchers found that people who watch fewer than four hours of television a day have difficulty understanding the references made on VH1's Best Week Ever, and are often unable to point out the absurdity of infomercial products or the cluelessness of American Idol finalists.
"Study participants who watched television inconsistently were less personally invested in what they saw than regular viewers," Ben-Ami said. "While some sporadic viewers were able to enjoy jokes made by others, they were unable to make jokes of their own. The regular viewers averaged 12 celebrity-related sarcastic asides per hour, while the uninformed viewers made almost none."
The contrast between regular and irregular TV viewers was made plain by a simple experiment: Irregular and regular TV viewers were videotaped while watching footage of Michael Jackson.
"Note how this young man remains calm, observing the series of photographs quietly," said Ben-Ami, pointing to one of two monitors running footage of individual study participants. "Meanwhile, his counterpart laughs uproariously, pretends to gag, and feigns sexual intercourse with a throw pillow. Seconds later, he leaves his seat to execute some kind of '80s-style breakdance and injures himself, probably because of his excessive weight."
"The first man doesn't have a television," Ben-Ami added gravely. "The other man watches an average of 40 hours of network and cable programming each week."
Ben-Ami said study participants who watched fewer than 28 hours per week were unable to ridicule Paris Hilton "with any specificity whatsoever."
"By incorporating Paris Hilton into our oral interviews, we provided participants with an easy opportunity to 'riff' on the heiress," Ben-Ami said. "Nevertheless, non-TV viewers reacted to softball questions like 'What's up with Paris' hair extensions?' with monosyllabic shrugs or bemused silence. It was like they were completely ignorant of her many skanky attributes and laughable traits."
Ben-Ami said she and her colleagues fear that, if it is not corrected, television illiteracy could result in an American sub-group unable to function in the modern world.
"Because the ridicule of pop culture comprises the bulk of today's social discourse, a non-viewer is at a distinct disadvantage in the workplace, on campus, and in the dating scene," Ben-Ami said. "An employee who can't participate in jokes about Ashlee Simpson's disastrous Orange Bowl appearance will sit dumbfounded while a more able coworker ingratiates himself to the boss by laughing. And just as the bird with the most colorful plumage attracts the most attention, so too does the bar-TV viewer who yells, 'Have a sandwich before you faint!' when Mary-Kate Olsen appears on screen."
The study's findings have triggered concern among parents across the country.
"I don't want my 10-year-old to enter college without the ability to mock boy bands," said Myra Savage of Phoenix. "I want him to excel, like those kids who form campus sketch troupes or win college-wide trivia contests. Should I make him cut down on his reading?"
University of Colorado communication arts professor N. Clyde Graf said parents should nurture their children's enthusiasm for pop culture by having them watch a minimum of four hours of television each day, with at least two of those hours falling during prime time.
"As a TV-literate child grows into adolescence, he begins to develop either moody contempt or perverse love for camp," Graf said. "Both attitudes are vital to the informed ridicule of pop culture."
Graf said parents should encourage children by example.
"Don't instruct your child to turn on Nanny 911 and then go and watch educational television right in front of them," Graf said. "They should only be watching PBS once they've attained the level of jaded detachment that will allow them to find humor in low-budget sets, nerdy hosts, and clichéd, Ken Burns-style pan-and-scan direction."
Graf said that, without supersaturation in the worst forms of the medium, children will treat television as a source of passive entertainment.
"Long gone are the days when an individual would switch on his set and enjoy a simple, satisfying, and fun hour of diversion," Graf said. "To perceive television this way is to be hopelessly out of step with our times."
Like all the best humour, it's disturbingly close to the truth.
Quote from: Hardy on August 26, 2009, 12:59:48 PM
Like all the best humour, it's disturbingly close to the truth.
Talking To Your Child About The WTC Attack, September 26, 2001 | Issue 37•34 (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38286)
The events of Sept. 11 are extremely difficult for a child to understand. What should you tell your child when he or she asks why this happened? Obviously, there's no easy answer, but the following is a start:
Sit your child down, and gently explain to him or her that the destruction of the Twin Towers was part of a Holy War, or jihad, against the U.S. perpetrated by a small faction of Islamic fundamentalists bent on the annihilation of Western society.
As your child may or may not know, much of modern Islamic fundamentalism has its roots in the writings of Sayyid Qutb, whose two-year sojourn to the U.S. in the late 1940s convinced him that Western society and non-Islamic ideologies were flawed and corrupt. Over the course of the next several decades, his writings became increasingly popular throughout the Arab world, including Afghanistan.
Patiently explain to your child that in 1979, the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan, outraging the U.S. Determined to stem the tide of communism, the U.S. provided Afghanistan with military support in the form of weapons and training. Among the beneficiaries of this support were many of Qutb's radical-fundamentalist adherents. These fundamentalists eventually took over Afghanistan in the form of a group called the Taliban. Militarized and radicalized by years of war, Taliban leaders turned against the U.S., which long supported them in their fight against the occupying Soviets but eventually came to be seen as the embodiment of Western immorality.
You should also let your child know that among those supported by the Taliban is Osama bin Laden, a Saudi multi-millionaire and terrorist who for years has taken refuge in encampments in the rugged hills of Afghanistan. Like his Taliban brethren, bin Laden believes that the U.S. is guilty of apostasy and should be punished accordingly.
Your child will likely ask why bin Laden is so angry at the U.S. Explain to him or her that much of his anger is rooted in the fact that, during the Gulf War, the U.S. stationed troops in Saudi Arabia, the nation that is home to the Islamic holy cities of Mecca and Medina. Bin Laden was further angered by America's post-Gulf War efforts to oust Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein by imposing an embargo against his nation.
No doubt, your child will have more questions. He or she will likely want to know what role other terrorist groups played in the attack, as well as what destabilizing effects a U.S. invasion of Afghanistan could have on the increasingly volatile political climate in Pakistan. Hopefully, though, the above will serve as a start, helping your child better understand why the bad men did this terrible thing.
Posted in honour of Evil Genius and GNevin. ;)
Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence
NEW YORK—Wikipedia, the online, reader-edited encyclopedia, honored the 750th anniversary of American independence on July 25 with a special featured section on its main page Tuesday.
"It would have been a major oversight to ignore this portentous anniversary," said Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales, whose site now boasts over 4,300,000 articles in multiple languages, over one-quarter of which are in English, including 11,000 concerning popular toys of the 1980s alone. "At 750 years, the U.S. is by far the world's oldest surviving democracy, and is certainly deserving of our recognition," Wales said. "According to our database, that's 212 years older than the Eiffel Tower, 347 years older than the earliest-known woolly-mammoth fossil, and a full 493 years older than the microwave oven."
"In fact," added Wales, "at three-quarters of a millennium, the USA has been around almost as long as technology."
The commemorative page is one of the most detailed on the site, rivaling entries for Firefly and the Treaty Of Algeron for sheer length. Subheadings include "Origins Of Colonial Discontent," "Some Famous Guys In Wigs And Three-Cornered Hats," and "Christmastime In Gettysburg." It also features detailed maps of the original colonies—including Narnia, the central ice deserts, and Westeros—as well as profiles of famous American historical figures such as Benjamin Franklin, Special Agent Jack Bauer, and Samuel Adams who is also a defensive tackle for the Cincinnati Bengals.
"On July 25, 1256, delegates gathered at Comerica Park to sign the Declaration Of Independence, which rejected the rule of the British over its 15 coastal North American colonies," reads an excerpt from the entry. "Little did such founding fathers as George Washington, George Jefferson, and ***ERIC IS A FAG*** know that their small, querulous republic would later become the most powerful and prosperous nation in history, the Unified States Of America."
"All our lives, we are taught about the achievements of Washington, Jefferson, and FAG, but we seldom consider the factors and conditions that led them to risk everything for a republican cause," Wales said. "What was it really like to be a patriot in those times? How did the colonists' perception of democracy conform and contrast with our modern one? Did Betsy Ross, as legend has it, really have the biggest boobies in the New World? It's these types of questions I want Wikipedia to be a forum for, all at the click of a mouse."
The exhaustive entry also includes links to video clips of the First Thanksgiving, hosted by YouTube.
The special anniversary tribute refutes many myths about the period and American history. According to the entry, the American Revolution was in fact instigated by Chuck Norris, who incinerated the Stamp Act by looking at it, then roundhouse-kicked the entire British army into the Atlantic Ocean. A group of Massachusetts Minutemaids then unleashed the zombie-generating T-Virus on London, crippling the British economy and severely limiting its naval capabilities.
The entry also addresses several traditionally taboo subjects, such as the influence of LSD on the drafting of the Constitution and the role of funk-slaves in painting the White House black.
While other news and information websites chose to mark the anniversary in a muted fashion, if at all, Wikipedia gave it prominent emphasis over other important historical events from the same day, including the independence of the nation of Africa in 1847, the 1984 ascension of Constantine to Emperor of the Holy Roman Emperor, and the 1998 birth of Smokey, a calico cat belonging to Mark and Becky Rousch of Erie, PA.
Founder Wales, a closeted homosexual and hot-dog freak, according to his user-edited bio on the site, also hosted a symposium of amateur historians at the New School in New York on Saturday.
"The Revolution's main adversaries were the patriots and the people from Braveheart," said speaker Tim Capodice, who has edited hundreds of Wikipedia entries on subjects as diverse as Euclidian geometry and Ratfucking. "The patriots, being a rag-tag group of misfits, almost lost on several occasions. But after a string of military antics and a convoluted scheme involving chicken feathers and an inflatable woman, the British were eventually defeated despite a last-minute surge, by a score of 89-87."
Despite spirited discussions bloggers present later described as "eluminating" and "sweet," the symposium was cut short when differences of opinion among the panelists degenerated into personal insults and name-calling.
While Wikipedia's "American Inderpendance" page remains available to all site visitors, administrators have suspended additions and further edits to its content due to vandalism.
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/is_using_a_minotaur_to_gore?utm_source=videoembed (http://www.theonion.com/content/video/is_using_a_minotaur_to_gore?utm_source=videoembed)
OOPS!!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/8237558.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/8237558.stm)
http://www.nerdist.com/2010/01/onion-news-network-vh1-slut-spill/ (http://www.nerdist.com/2010/01/onion-news-network-vh1-slut-spill/)
Good stuff Declan.
Today's News:
Early Humans Finally Drunk Enough To Invent Dancing
Prominent ethnochoreologists now believe that roughly 20,000 years ago, early humans finally consumed an amount of fermented fruits and vegetables staggering enough to develop the impulsive series of rhythmic movements known today as dancing. "While human beings had experimented with rudimentary forms of shimmying and gyration as early as the Neanderthal period, it was not until they were able to reach critical levels of utter inebriation that early cultures finally began to let their hair down and really cut loose," said Yu Wei Lin of the Beijing Institute of Dance Studies. "In fact, we now believe that alcohol-fueled revelry paralleled and probably influenced the practice of the ill-advised hookup, the rambling apology for the previous night's behavior, and poetry." Lin also said that exciting new evidence indicates that a prehistoric "Electric Slide" was practiced in Tibet millennia before the invention of electricity.
Obama To Wait For Next Bruce Springsteen Album For Word On Economy
WASHINGTON—Faced with the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, the White House announced Tuesday that a cautious President Obama is awaiting the release of the next Bruce Springsteen album before moving forward with additional economic stimulus initiatives. "If Mr. Springsteen puts out an E-Street Band project with one rave-up and several tracks containing an overarching theme of redemption, the president will certainly take that as a strong indicator of economic recovery," said press secretary Robert Gibbs, adding that an album cover featuring an American flag would be "extremely promising." "However, if he records a stark, haunting, Nebraska-esque exploration of blue-collar life, then it is time to lower interest rates and take immediate steps toward drastically reevaluating our current strategy." The president has reportedly eschewed the supplementary Mellencamp Little Pink Housing Index used during the Reagan administration, as economists now widely believe it conveys a derivative, shallow view of the American fiscal landscape.
And there's more:
Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian
LOUISVILLE, KY—At first glance, high school senior Lucas Faber, 18, seems like any ordinary gay teen. He's a member of his school's swing choir, enjoys shopping at the mall, and has sex with other males his age. But lately, a growing worry has begun to plague this young gay man. A gnawing feeling that, deep down, he may be a fundamentalist, right-wing Christian.
"I don't know what's happening to me," Faber admitted to reporters Monday. "It's like I get these weird urges sometimes, and suddenly I'm tempted to go behind my friends' backs and attend a megachurch service, or censor books in the school library in some way. Even just the thought of organizing a CD-burning turns me on."
Added Faber, "I feel so confused."
The openly gay teen, who came out to his parents at age 14 and has had a steady boyfriend for the past seven months, said he first began to suspect he might be different last year, when he started feeling an odd stirring within himself every time he passed a church. The more conservative the church, Faber claimed, the stronger his desire was to enter it.
"It's like I don't even know who I am anymore," the frightened teenager said. "Keeping this secret obsession with radical right-wing dogma hidden away from my parents, teachers, and schoolmates is tearing me apart."
According to Faber, his first experience with evangelical Christianity was not all that different from other gays his age.
"Sure, I looked at the Book of Leviticus once or twice—everybody has," Faber said. "We all experiment a little bit with that stuff when we're growing up. But I was just a kid. I didn't think it meant anything."
Faber's instinct was to deny these early emotions. But recently, the Louisville teen admitted, the feelings have grown stronger, making him wonder more and more what life as a born-again right-wing fundamentalist would be like.
"The other week, I was this close to picketing in front of an abortion clinic," the mortified teenager said, his eyes welling up with tears. "I know it's wrong, but I wanted so badly to do it anyway. I even made one of those signs with photos of dead fetuses and hid it in my closet. I felt so ashamed, yet, at the same time, it was all strangely titillating."
Faber's parents, although concerned, said they're convinced their otherwise typical gay son is merely going through a conservative Christian phase.
"I caught him watching The 700 Club once when he thought he was alone in the house, and last week, I found some paperbacks from the Left Behind series hidden in his sock drawer," his mother, Eileen Faber, said. "I'm sure he'll grow out of it, but even if he doesn't, I will love and accept my son no matter what."
Faber's father was far less tolerant in his comments.
"No son of mine is going to try to get intelligent design into school textbooks," Geoffrey Faber said. "And I absolutely refuse to pay his tuition if he decides to go to one of those colleges like Oral Roberts University where they're just going to fill his head with a lot of crazy conservative ideas."
He added, "I just want my normal gay son back."
This is my favourite.
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/genetic_scientists_develop_sheep
Quote"No son of mine is going to try to get intelligent design into school textbooks," Geoffrey Faber said. "And I absolutely refuse to pay his tuition if he decides to go to one of those colleges like Oral Roberts University where they're just going to fill his head with a lot of crazy conservative ideas."
He added, "I just want my normal gay son back."
Brilliant
Bald Eagle Tired Of Everyone Just Assuming It Supports War
February 1, 2010
The symbol of American might called the 2003 invasion of Iraq "ill-advised at best, illegal at worst."
THE OREGON WILDERNESS—Frustrated by the widely held assumption that he unequivocally endorses the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, a bald eagle said Monday that his thoughts on the conflicts were far more nuanced than many Americans might expect.
Speaking to reporters from his nest in the upper branches of a 175-foot ponderosa pine tree, the eagle explained that each member of his species was different and none should be taken for granted as a lockstep supporter of American military policy.
"I think World War II was justified, and I got behind the first Gulf War [in 1990]," said the bird, who has served as the national symbol of the United States since 1782. "But the recent war in Iraq, with its shifting rationale and poor planning, was clearly a huge mistake. Personally, I believe that these crucial, life-and-death matters deserve more honest and less politicized discussion than they get."
"I'm not a hawk or a dove," he added. "I'm an eagle."
The majestic bird of prey, who said he is not registered with any political party, admitted to having some ambivalence about the current mission in Afghanistan, lamenting that any argument one could make seemed to prompt an equally valid counterpoint.
Enlarge Image Iraq
The eagle said he would like to visit Iraq someday, but is worried it might cause impromptu firefights.
"Sure, I understand the reasoning behind the latest troop surge," the eagle said regarding President Obama's plan to commit 30,000 additional soldiers to the region to combat the Taliban. "Can we allow that country to collapse and become an al-Qaeda safe haven again? That seems like a disastrous outcome to me, but at the same time, maybe our continued presence is just creating more terrorists in the long run. Plus, how can we work with someone as corrupt as [Afghan president] Hamid Karzai and still purport to be champions of democracy?"
"You see, these issues are not so cut and dried," continued the Haliaeetus leucocephalus specimen. "And yet, every time I try to explain myself from atop a flag pole or the middle of a baseball field, no one wants to listen. They just cheer and chant 'U.S.A.! U.S.A! U.S.A.!'"
Sources said the eagle then excused himself and launched into the air with a shrill "skree!" sound, returning three minutes later with a glistening fish in his talons.
"And another thing: We can't forget Pakistan," the eagle said as he used his hooked beak to tear at the flesh of the writhing rainbow trout. "We have to make sure that they're not so preoccupied with India that they neglect the terrorist threats within their own borders. Remember, Pakistan has nukes."
The eagle went on to tell reporters that, despite his attempts to individuate himself from the general public's perceptions of bald eagles, he could ultimately control his image only so much. He also admitted that he still had lingering resentment over the fact that someone had covertly photographed him crying on 9/11 and used the picture on a "Never Forget" dinner plate.
"I really hated being exploited like that," the eagle said. "Of course I cried on 9/11. Everyone did. But I guess that's the burden of being the symbol of a nation: People are going to use you in ways you don't always like. You step out of the nest to clear your head with a few minutes of soaring, and people automatically peg you as some kind of embodiment of American freedom worth killing and dying for."
"And, frankly, that's a little messed up," he added. "I'm just a bird."
And the sports news especially for stew ;)
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/packers_fan_announces_he_will (http://www.theonion.com/content/video/packers_fan_announces_he_will)
Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal Of Customers
July 28, 2009 | Issue 45•31
SAN FRANCISCO—In a move expected to revolutionize the mobile device industry, Apple launched its fastest and most powerful iPhone to date Tuesday, an innovative new model that can only be seen by the company's hippest and most dedicated customers.
"I am proud today to introduce to those who really, truly deserve it, our most incredible iPhone yet," announced Apple CEO Steve Jobs, extending his seemingly empty left palm toward the eagerly awaiting crowd. "Not only is this our lightest and slimmest model ever, but as any truly savvy Apple customer can clearly see, it's also the most handsome product we've ever designed."
The packed auditorium, which had been listening to Jobs in hushed reverence for several minutes, then erupted into applause, with hundreds of men and women suddenly jumping to their feet and shouting, "I can see it!" "Look, there it is!" and "God, it's so beautiful!"
Steve Jobs unveils the updated iPhone exclusively to those who really, really want to see it.
Screams of "Of course, yes, I too can see the phone," were also heard at this time.
According to Apple, the new iPhone 3GI boasts significant hardware and software upgrades, superior processing speeds, and a multi-touch interface that provides those who are "cool enough" with a rich user experience. The wide-screen display reportedly also features the most brilliant colors and finest resolution ever imagined.
"The new 3GI is as light as air," said Apple senior vice president Philip Schiller, reaching inside an empty display case, apparently to remove the mobile device. "See how thin that is? It's like it's not even there."
"Those who really understand what we do here at Apple are going to love this new product," Schiller continued. "Unless, you know, they happen to be totally lame."
Retailing for $599, the iPhone 3GI offers only the most special Apple consumers—the ones who believe in the company more than anything else in the world, and who would never, ever dream of questioning it—the ability to open dozens of powerful applications at once. In addition, the new multimedia device will provide true Apple fans with a high-definition video camera, one-tap editing with Final Cut Pro, and cut and paste.
Like thousands of others, New York resident Kelly Delaney called in sick to work so that she could join the line outside the Apple Store's trendy SoHo location days before the 3GI went on sale.
"Oh my God, I can't believe how much faster you can get online with this," said Delaney, who exited the store holding a cupped hand up to her ear and yelling into her wrist about how wonderful the new phone was. "The reception is so clear, and you can pretty much get a signal no matter where you go."
"Hold on a sec," continued Delaney, suddenly shaking her hand up and down. "I think my battery is dying."
According to Apple, the new iPhone launched in 22 countries and sold a record-breaking 8 million units on its first day.
"The selection of colors is amazing," said Paul Conrad, a Fairfield, VA native who purchased phones in black, white, and silver. "Not only does it look awesome, but it can do pretty much anything you want as long as you believe in it."
"The AppleCare Plan doesn't cover dropping your phone, though, so I'd recommend buying one of these designer protective cases," Conrad added.
While the new iPhone has been greatly admired and widely touted for its impressive voice and data communication capabilities, some Americans remain skeptical.
"Daddy isn't talking into anything at all," said 4-year-old Ella Conrad, pointing at her father, Paul, who has been obsessively staring at, playing with, and customizing the invisible phone since purchasing it Monday. "Daddy's pretending to be on hold with an operator."
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/apple_claims_new_iphone_only
Exhausted Noam Chomsky Just Going To Try And Enjoy The Day For Once
by The Onion
LEXINGTON, MA—Describing himself as "terribly exhausted," famed linguist and political dissident Noam Chomsky said Monday that he was taking a break from combating the hegemony of the American imperialist machine to try and take it easy for once.
"I just want to lie in a hammock and have a nice relaxing morning," said the outspoken anarcho-syndicalist academic, who first came to public attention with his breakthrough 1957 book Syntactic Structures. "The systems of control designed to manufacture consent among a largely ignorant public will still be there for me to worry about tomorrow. Today, I'm just going to kick back and enjoy some much-needed Noam Time."
"No fighting against institutional racism, no exposing the legacies of colonialist ideologies still persistent today, no standing up to the widespread dissemination of misinformation and state-sanctioned propaganda," Chomsky added. "Just a nice, cool breeze through an open window on a warm spring day."
Sources reported that the 81-year-old Chomsky, a vociferous, longtime critic of U.S. foreign policy and the political economy of the mass media, was planning to use Monday to tidy up around the house a bit, take a leisurely walk in the park, and possibly attend an afternoon showing of Date Night at the local megaplex.
Sitting down to a nice oatmeal breakfast, Chomsky picked up a copy of Time, a deceitful, pro-corporate publication that he said would normally infuriate him.
"Yes, this magazine may be nothing more than a subtle media tool intended to obfuscate the government's violent agenda with comforting bromides, but I'm not going to let that get under my skin," Chomsky said. "I mean, why should I? It's absolutely beautiful outside. I should just go and enjoy myself and not think about any of this stuff."
Added Chomsky, glancing back over at the periodical, "Even if it is just another way in which individuals are methodically fed untruths that slowly shape their perceptions of reality, dulling their ability to challenge and defy a government bent on carrying out its own selfish and destructive—no, no Noam, not today, none of that today."
According to sources close to the thinker, Chomsky also considered taking time to "plop down on the couch in [his] boxers and watch TV," but grew suddenly enraged when The Price Is Right came on, commodifying the lie of American consumer satisfaction in a pseudo- entertainment context.
"Just change the channel, just relax and switch to something that isn't mindless pabulum for the masses," said Chomsky, reaching for the remote control. "No need to get furious."
Chomsky, who often defines himself as a libertarian socialist, then changed the channel to ESPN, taking a moment to acknowledge the role of professional sports as a "weapon of mass distraction," keeping the American people occupied with trivial competitions so they do not focus on opposing the status quo with grassroots movements against foreign and domestic policies that ultimately harm them.
"Stupid NBA playoffs," Chomsky said. "At least it's better than that NCAA March Madness crap. A university is supposed to be a center of learning that questions the state's crafted messaging, not an entertainment factory."
Sources said Chomsky took what was supposed to be a refreshing drive in the countryside, only to find himself obsessing over the role petroleum plays in the economic and military policies that collude with multinational corporate powers.
After stopping at a roadside McDonald's, Chomsky was unable to enjoy the Big Mac he purchased, due to the popular restaurant chain's participation in selling "a bill of goods" to the American people, who consume the unhealthy fast food and thereby bolster the capitalist system rather than buying from local farmers in order to equalize the distribution of wealth and eat more nutritiously.
Chomsky also found the burger to be too salty.
"All right, all right," the noted critic and philosopher said, "I'm going back home, writing one—just one—reasoned, scathing essay, and getting it out of my system. But then I'm definitely going back to the park to walk around and just enjoy the nice weather. I'm serious."
"Because there's got to be more to life than the way that wage slavery strips the individual of his or her inherent dignity and personal integrity," Chomsky continued. "Right?"
Quote from: Declan on May 11, 2010, 08:33:04 AM
Exhausted Noam Chomsky Just Going To Try And Enjoy The Day For Once
That article ain't complete without the photo:
(http://media.theonion.com/images/articles/article/17404/Exhausted-Noam-R_jpg_600x345_crop-smart_upscale_q85.jpg)
http://www.truthdig.com/avbooth/item/soccer_is_sooo_gay_20100618/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+Truthdig+Truthdig:+Drilling+Beneath+the+Headlines#below (http://www.truthdig.com/avbooth/item/soccer_is_sooo_gay_20100618/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+Truthdig+Truthdig:+Drilling+Beneath+the+Headlines#below)
Soccer comes out of the closet
Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam
Area resident Helen Crandall, 44, was arrested by Akron police Sunday, charged with conducting an elaborate "sex-for-security" scam in which she allegedly defrauded husband Russell Crandall out of nearly $230,000 in cash, food, clothing and housing over the past 19 years using periodic offers of sexual intercourse.
"It's the biggest scam of its kind I've ever seen," Akron police chief Thomas Agee said. "We're talking coats, dishwashers, jewelry, sewing machines, bathroom cleansers—you name it."
According to Agee, undercover agents spotted Crandall's husband handing her $50 in cash at approximately 4 p.m., just 30 minutes after the two had sex. Crandall then drove off in her car, returning home two hours later with five bags of groceries.
"That's when we made the arrest," Agee said. "After tracking her for years, we finally had proof that she was buying all those goods with dirty money."
During the arrest, Akron police officials entered the Crandall household and seized more than 150 items Mrs. Crandall had received from her husband over the last 19 years, including a four-speed adjustable food processor, 12 pairs of earrings, a matching sofa and loveseat, a box of two-ply kitchen garbage bags, and a portable radio.
In exchange for these items, Agee said, Crandall's husband received sex an estimated 950 times—most frequently in the master bedroom, but also in the downstairs den three times, and once on the floor of the sewing room.
In addition to physical evidence, Akron police have collected considerable eyewitness testimony. More than 250 Akron residents have come forward to report seeing Helen and Russell Crandall together, and several said they witnessed Mr. Crandall flagrantly purchasing items for his wife.
"Sure, they'd come in here," said Ray Greene of Greene's House and Home. "I think the last time they got one of those box fans with the three settings."
Perhaps the most damaging testimony has come from Mr. Crandall himself, who on Tuesday told police that while the couple was dating in 1977, Mrs. Crandall—then known as Helen Steuben—demanded that he buy her a ring worth over $1,000 before he could have sex with her. The first sexual liaison took place some six months later at Bob's Honeymooner Hotel during an all-expenses-paid trip to Niagara Falls.
It was also in 1977, Mr. Crandall said, that his wife quit her job at Shippee Shoes in downtown Akron.
"Clearly," Summit County prosecutor Andrew Dravecky said, "after quitting her job, the accused began receiving money under the table from some other source: How else could she have afforded to not work? It's now pretty apparent that at that point she began supporting herself by providing a certain service to Mr. Crandall."
Crandall's mother, Bernice Steuben, a resident of the Valley View Senior Home in Yuma, AZ, is being sought for questioning in connection to the case: Police suspect that Steuben may have introduced her daughter to the sex-for-security scam after having used it herself from 1932 to 1971.
But for all the evidence collected against Crandall, Dravecky said the case will likely be difficult to prosecute. "Helen was very careful to cover her tracks," he said. "She even got her husband to put her name on the bank accounts and credit cards."
The Crandall case is not an isolated incident, said criminologist John Ohlmeyer, who said there are "literally millions" of such cases across the U.S. each year that never come to court.
"This kind of thing isn't as uncommon as we'd all like to think," Ohlmeyer said. "A woman finds herself in a situation where she isn't employable. Or maybe she has interests like child-rearing, cooking and home-maintenance that keep her from getting a job. So what does she do? She cooks up a scheme to entrap a man using her body as the bait. It's frightening, but it happens every day in this country."
South African Vuvuzela Philharmonic Angered By Soccer Games Breaking Out During Concerts
JOHANNESBURG—Members of the South Africa Vuvuzela Philharmonic Orchestra, widely considered to be among the best large-scale monotonic wind instrument ensembles in the world, told reporters Friday they were furious over the recent outbreaks of international soccer matches during their traditional outdoor concerts.
"I cannot imagine what is getting into these football teams that they would suddenly begin full-scale international competition just when we are beginning our 2010 concert series," said Dr. Stefan Coetzee, the Philharmonic's program and concert director. "It is disrespectful to the performers, it is disrespectful to the music itself, and by extension, it is disrespectful to the great nation of South Africa."
Spontaneous high-caliber soccer games have thus far plagued every orchestral vuvuzela performance of the season, which opened June 11 at Cape Town Stadium. As musicians took their places in the stands and began warming up for the evening's performance of lighter pieces by post-minimalist composers, they noticed the audience was not sitting in its traditional place in the stadium's central area.
As the Philharmonic learned later, its only spectators were the national football sides of France and Uruguay, who played to a 0-0 tie as the frustrated vuvuzela virtuosi played a full program of concerti written for the distinctive straight plastic horn.
"A virtually empty house is highly unusual in a vuvuzela-mad nation such as South Africa," said first-chair vuvuzela player Moses Mtegume, who is known as the "Father of the Vuvuzela" and considered a national treasure. "And because concerts are held in the round—the better to appreciate the sonorous tonality of the massed instruments—a performer gets a sense of the crowd early."
"It doesn't even seem like these football players are paying attention to us," Mtegume added. "In fact, I would go so far as to say they are trying to ignore us."
The following days, during which a string of large-scale vuvuzela performances were held, saw the unusual events repeat in Johnnesburg, Durban, Pretoria, and Port Elizabeth as audience after audience was driven away by FIFA national football teams. As a result, the South Africa Vuvzela Philharmonic, which is supported solely by money from ticket sales, has suffered staggering losses financially. And the musicians, many of whom trained for years and underwent a harrowing audition process to earn one of the orchestra's 50,000 seats, said the biggest blow was to their professional pride.
"Do you know how difficult it is to get everyone situated, tuned, and focused for a vuvuzela concert?" said Julliard-trained vuvuzelist Donald Frederick Gordon, a noted soloist and renowned performer whose boyhood dream of playing vuvuzela in every stadium in South Africa is now at risk. "These brash, inconsiderate outbursts of impromptu athletics have made us a laughing-stock of the international music community. We have already had cancellations from the Vienna Boy's Choir and guest director Seiji Ozawa, who no doubt fear for their reputation should the Philharmonic continue to be mocked by these incongruous sportsmen."
In order to save its concert season, the orchestra has scheduled a special benefit concert for July 11 at Johannesburg's Soccer City Stadium. The orchestra will be accompanied by 8,000 special guest vuvuzela players from Ghana and the Ivory Coast, and the concert program will include the debut of new single-tone compositions by Philip Glass, Arvo Pärt, and vuvuzela fan Mark Mothersbaugh.
The musicians said they are thrilled to be performing in the nation's most prominent stadium, which is capable of holding up to 12,500 standing concertgoers in its grassy central section.
"This will be a vuvuzela tour de force the likes of which the world has never seen," Dr. Coetzee said. "We are very close to an agreement with Placido Domingo, who we're confident will show us how the greatest living tenor sings the B-flat-below-middle-C that makes the vuvuzela so magical. It will truly be a night for the ages, with, we hope, no sign of football rivals battling it out for global supremacy where the audience should be."
"We've already sold a couple dozen tickets to people in Brazil and Argentina," Dr. Coetzee added. "Mark my words, on July 11, the eyes and ears of the world will be on South Africa."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rc3jMoFJrBQ&feature=fvw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rc3jMoFJrBQ&feature=fvw)