Corny One for Friday

[Puckoon]

Why wasn't Hitler allowed to drink whiskey?



















Because it made him mean.

[longrunsthefox]

Why wasn't Hitler allowed to drink whiskey?






Because it made him mean.

wat 

[Bacon]

Odd?

[ardal]

Walked in to a vegetable shop the other day. There's this man monster standing behind the scales / cashier, and I think's to myself, "holy feck, what must she weigh?" She was massive, and my curiosity was twinged (made up word?).

So anyways, I waltz up to her and says I "oiiiii, you couldn't by chance tell me what you weigh?"

She to me says, "naaa a bother. I weigh................


















.......fruit and vegetables"

[illdecide]

An Australian guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in bed, reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, " if you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realise I was talking to the sheep!"

[illdecide]

GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.


They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like
to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a
'tragedy.' '
'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'

'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon -'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.  'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a  tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss..... and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident either!

[ziggysego]

z

[Donnellys Hollow]

H from Steps found dead



Yee've probably all seen this one before - its been floating around for a while now. Still funny as fcuk!

[Tyrones own]

What has an auld fat yoke and a length of sheet rock got in common?









Chances are there'll be a mexican screwing it

[Orior]

Two monkeys sitting in a bath.

One Monkey says "Oooh ooh ooh ah ah ah ooh ah"






The other Monkey says "Well add some cold water"

[Cúig huaire]

Paddy O`Rourke has been named as the new Armagh manager. 

[Minder]

A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: 'Do you have any corn?' The man answers politely: 'No, we don't sell any corn here I'm afraid.'

The next day, the duck enters again and asks: 'Do you have any corn?' Annoyed, the man answers: 'No! I told you yesterday, we don't have any corn. We're a Post Office!'

This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?', the man gets so upset he yells: 'NO! For the last f***ing time we don't have any f***ing corn, and if you ask again I'll nail your f***ing beak to the counter!'

The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?' The man answers: 'No.'

The duck then asks: 'Do you have any corn?'

[Minder]

Man comes home with some Deer meat for dinner, but doesn't tell his kids what it is.

"I'll give you a clue though, its what your Mum calls me."

"It's a f***ing ballbag," yells his son. "Don't eat it!".

[Caid]

Subject: Tourist's Political Guide to Ireland
Good morning, tourists.

Thank you for visiting our wonderful country.
Political information has not been included in your brochures, so here
to help you understand us better is a special guided tour of Irish
politics.

Ireland is an island to the west of Britain, but Northern Ireland is
just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.
(Look, if you wanted a region where politics are easier to understand,
you should have gone to the Balkans. Now pay attention.)

The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million
people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They
travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be but a successful
30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now
definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now
be in France.

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland.
It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in
Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the
South. No, not the south, the South. (Those who cannot follow this might
like to go off to the Giant's Causeway instead. You cannot miss it - it
is near a car park.)

There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin parliament is called
the Dáil, an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers'
money..

The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning
placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary
line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.
(Note for Americans tracing their ancestors - fuel launderers are
descendants of one branch of the ancient Irish tribe known as Na
Níteoirí [launderers]. They are found today mainly near the border. The
other branch of the family, money launderers, are found all over
Ireland. It was Na Níteoirí Ola who composed the ancient Irish air, "I
love the smell of freshly laundered diesel in the morning.")

Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of
pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it..
(Note for Germans learning English - a cross-border body is an
organisation, not a Sinn Féin minister who travels frequently between
Belfast and Dublin. It should not be confused with a cross border-body
which is a grumpy person in Strabane.)

Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only
country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes
west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the
price of drink.

We have two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by
holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result.

If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again.
Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was
wrong and ordered a new referendum. (Note to visitors from North Korea
- we told you that you would feel at home in Ireland.)

Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no
opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates
envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin.

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the
black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All IRAs claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA.
The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. We now have the
Provisional, Continuity and Real IRAs.
The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers
because it is the easiest to spell. (Literacy levels are improving.
Department of Education inspectors report that every Catholic child at
Key Stage 2 can now spell IRA.)

So now the rest of you want to go to the Giant's Causeway as well? Fine,
but before you go, did you know that the causeway was an attempt in the
Tertiary geological period to build an interpretative centre but the
developer ran out of political connections?

Oh dear, they appear to have gone - which shows that politicians may
advocate tourism but the systems and society they have produced do
little to encourage it.

[Billys Boots]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a TD came in for a haircut. When he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The TD was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen TDs lined up waiting for a free haircut.