Corny One for Friday

[Hardy]

Jesus and Saint Peter go golfing. On the first, a par three with water in front of the green, Peter stands up on the tee and hits a five iron to twenty feet from the pin. Jesus steps up, has a look towards the green, then turns to Peter and asks, "Who's the best golfer in the world?" "Right now," says Peter, "it's got to be Rory McIlroy".

"What would Rory McIlroy hit here?" asks Jesus. "For Rory," says Peter, it's probably a seven iron. But he's the best golfer in the world. For you and me it's a five."

"I'll hit the seven," says Jesus. "Don't be stupid," says Peter. "you won't get anywhere near the green and I assume you've noticed the water hazard. Take the five." "Water hazard me arse," says Jesus. "If Rory McIlroy can reach the green with a seven iron, so can Jesus Christ". "Don't say I didn't warn you," says Peter.

So Jesus takes out the seven, hits the tee shot and, sure enough, it lands in the water. "What did I tell you?" says Peter. Jesus says nothing, just picks up his bag and they head off towards the green.

When they get to the water, Jesus takes off his shoes and socks and, using one of his best-known miracle skills, he simply walks out on the surface of the water towards the spot where his ball disappeared.

At this point, two golfers playing the eighteenth come by and they stare in amazement at the sight of a bloke walking on the surface of the water. One of them says to Peter, "Wow! Who does that fella think he is - Jesus Christ?"

"No," says Peter, shaking his head. "He thinks he's Rory McIlroy."

[BarryBreensBandage]

Gold walks into a bar -
The Barman says "eh you, get out of here"

[HiMucker]

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?






Tequila.

What do you call a Mexican carpet fitter?



Underlay underlay!

[HiMucker]

What do you call a Pakistani swimming pool attendant?


Diji Handyerbandin

[BennyHarp]

-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....

-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

-This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

-A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

-I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

-I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

-I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

-When chemists die, apparently they barium.

-All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

-Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

-I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? She lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

- I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

[illdecide]

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

[illdecide]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

[illdecide]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

[Orior]

When a visitor to Newry came upon a wild vicious dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A journalist from the Newry Reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read: Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.

The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from Newry.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, Co Down Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Armagh."

"In that case," the reporter said, "the headline should read, Armagh man Kills Family Pet."

[Hardy]

I was hurtling down a narrow mountain road at full speed on my mountain bike, when a woman came speeding around the corner in an open-top sports car.

I swerved to avoid her, and she swerved to avoid me and we avoided each other, but as she passed she screamed 'PIG!' at me.

Astounded, I turned and yelled back, 'BITCH!'

Then I rounded the bend and crashed into a pig.

[Denn Forever]

What is the difference between Outlaws and Inlaws?


Outlaws are Wanted.

[armaghniac]

England should boycott the 2018 World Cup because someone needs to take a stand against corruption in Fifa and military aggression by Russia, Andy Burnham, the favourite to be the next Labour leader, has said.

Nicola Sturgeon retorted that it was too little too late and that Scotland had been boycotting the World Cup for years.

[Windmill abu]

At the Irish Open in Newcastle this year an interviewer asked one of the professionals how he had got on. Not too bad said the player as my usual caddy took ill and I had to hire one of the locals. I can't remember his name said there golfer but he was a protestant. How do you know he was a protestant asked the interviewer? The golfer replied when I finished the eleventh hole and asked him where's the twelfth. He said Banbridge this year.

[5 Sams]

I knew someone who did 15 years in a monastery in Tibet. Frugal was certainly the word but they had the addition of a vow of silence except they were allowed to speak two words to the High Priest every 5 years. After the first 5 years, his two words were apparently 'bed's hard'. After 10 years, he told the high priest, 'food's cold'. Another 5 years later he declared 'I'm off' and the High Priest replyed 'thank f**k for that, you've done nothing but complain since they day you got here'

[Maguire01]

At the Irish Open in Newcastle this year an interviewer asked one of the professionals how he had got on. Not too bad said the player as my usual caddy took ill and I had to hire one of the locals. I can't remember his name said there golfer but he was a protestant. How do you know he was a protestant asked the interviewer? The golfer replied when I finished the eleventh hole and asked him where's the twelfth. He said Banbridge this year.

Stolen from LAD.