Corny One for Friday

[Hardy]

Abbott and Costello's "Who's on first" was mentioned on the Fab 50 movies thread, so I thought I'd post it here for Christmas (below) - one of the great comedy routines.

(Courtesy of baseball-almanac.com):
The skit was originally done on the radio live (each & every time) until the legendary duo later included it on The Naughty Nineties compilation. Movie fans worldwide attended the premier of "The Naughty Nineties" just to physically "see" this exchange on the big screen versus hearing it on the radio.

The general premise behind the exchange has Costello, a peanut vendor named Sebastion Dinwiddle, talking to Abbott who is Dexter Broadhurt, the manager of the mythical St. Louis Wolves. However, before Costello can get behind the plate, Abbott wants to make sure he knows everyone's name on the team...

(The sound quality is not great.)
http://www.geocities.com/hardyarse/whos_on_first.wma

[gerrykeegan]

Thannks Hardy always loved that piece but havent heard it for ages.
The link works and plays but freezes my machine and gives me some odd errors, but I think its worth it!

[Hardy]

Sorry about that - here's another link. It has the full text and click on the radio at the bottom for the sound clip.

http://www.baseball-almanac.com/humor4.shtml

[liihb]

Thats a clasic Hardy!

[Flat Hedgehog]

BRITISH    WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.


 


IRISH    WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

 


ITALIAN    WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


 


JEWISH    WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

 


CHINESE    WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

 


INDIAN   WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

 


AFRICAN   WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

 


MEXICAN    WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

 


The POINT?



DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

[Fiodoir Ard Mhacha]

I thought this website was a joke when I first seen it

www.askmommy.org

but it turns out to be a self-help website for bachelors in how to cook, clean and wash up after yerself.

[Aristotle Flynn]

I think that's abit racist Hedgehog. I have reported to Admin. You may wish to edit before it is deletted.

[Declan]

Thanks for that Hardy - brightened up the day considerably

[Pietas]

I think that's abit racist Hedgehog. I have reported to Admin. You may wish to edit before it is deletted.

Ah jaysus!
That's political correctness gone mad...

[winghalfun]

The POINT?



DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

There is a couple of Latvian ones moved into our our area recently. Allegedly they are some goers.
Pictures and videos currently doing the rounds.

[Windmill abu]

We've travelled in time and can finally bring you tomorrow (or next month's) news today. Here are the stories that will be making the headlines in 2007.


Chelsea buy Watford's points


Chelsea moved to the top of the Premiership table this afternoon after successfully buying Watford's points. The £14m points transfer has shocked the rest of the Premiership, as Chelsea had been written off as title contenders but, with Watford having relinquished all hope of staying in the top flight, the Blues' purchase of all their points benefits both clubs.


Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon commented: "These ten points are exactly what the club needs at the moment and could be the difference that helps us retain the Premiership and promote the Chelsea brand to rabid capitalists and the morally vacant across the globe. For Watford, the money will allow them to rebuild their squad to have another go at promotion next year. It's a win-win situation"


The Chelsea executive then sloped off the stage with a maniacal laugh while killing a kitten.


The champions now have seventy points, four points ahead of Manchester United who are rumoured to be in negotiations with Sheffield United over acquiring some of their points in a season long loan deal.


The FA were unavailable for comment regarding the legality of this move. A spokesman would say nothing more than: "They are enjoying a well earned break in the Bahamas on a yacht donated by a generous owner of one of our top clubs and are not expected back anytime soon."


Injury forces Fergie's hand


Following the worst run of injuries and accidents in the club's history, Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson is forced to strap on the boots himself.


His injury worries started with the loss of Ryan Giggs in a freak chest-waxing accident. This set off a string of setbacks including Cristiano Ronaldo winking when the clock struck and having his features frozen in a painful rictus of smuggery, Alan Smith sustaining third degree chemical burns to his scalp and neck while touching up his hairdo with industrial strength bleach and Paul Scholes receiving a lifetime ban from the game for being just a bit too ginger.


These were followed by several more mundane injuries and the shocking revelation that Ole Gunnar Solskjaer had, for the last two seasons, been impersonated by a twelve year old girl from Essex named Leslie.


With his squad down to 10 men Ferguson had no choice but to put on a replica kit (bought at full price in the Old Trafford shop) and take the field as a holding midfielder.


Ferguson's plan backfired badly though as, mere minutes after taking the field, he was shown a red card for kicking referee Graham Poll. Medical staff are currently employing a crowbar and a vat of goose fat to remove Ferguson's boot from a very personal part of Poll's anatomy.


Arsenal misfire again


In an unprecedented incident, Sheffield United failed to show up for their clash with the Gunners at the Emirates stadium.


Officials were at a loss concerning what action to take until Arsene Wenger turned their attention to an arcane entry in the FA's rule book.


Law 14.1 sub clause 4 (1912) states: Any team that fails to show up for a match without proffering a valid and believable excuse shall not forfeit the match. Instead the game shall be played by the remaining side, thereby punishing the offending side by destroying their goal difference.


While Arsenal played some scintillating football, dominating their opponents (who were stuck in a traffic jam somewhere on the M5) for most of the match, they were once again guilty of overplaying and wasting chances.


After 90 minutes where the Gunners hit the upright an incredible 45 times and almost put the ball into their own net, the match ended in a disappointing 0-0 draw.


Rumours abound that other teams are set to follow the Blades example and not bother showing up for games against the Gunners.


Arsene Wenger had to be forcibly prevented from committing ritual suicide after the result and was placed in restraints and carted away while screaming: "Beautiful football, the Arsenal way..." repeatedly.


Curbishley, Pardew cause riot


Chaos broke out at the Valley yesterday when Alan Curbishley and Alan Pardew seemingly forgot who was managing which team in the East London derby between Charlton and West Ham.


After West Ham scored the opener, Pardew celebrated like a demented drunk who has just won the lottery for a good ten seconds before realising that he was not managing the club anymore.


When Darren Bent equalised ten minutes later he ran to his manager to celebrate, only to be intercepted by a clearly jubilant Curbishley.


At this point huge swathes of fans added to the confusion by swapping shirts and cheering on players at random. The metropolitan police had to be called in after thousands of fans arrived at the wrong homes after the game, cueing hysterical phone calls from wives and family ranting about imposters and strange men breaking and entering.


At last count police had sent several genetic samples to their forensics lab in an effort to clear up the confusion and establish the identity of large numbers of traumatised east Londoners.


Police spokesman Jim Rosemount said: " It would appear that an incident of mass hysteria broke out in Charlton on Saturday, brought on by psychological trauma and the accidental ingestion of stadium quality hot-dogs on a massive scale.


"We have spoken to police psychologists and there is some agreement that what happened is the result of the fickle nature of modern football and an inherent human reaction to disloyalty and general back stabbing.

[Armagh Cúchulainns]

excellent windmill abu.

[bennydorano]

Got this texted to me last night, classic.

After David Ervine's recent funeral, his son went to the coroner and asked could he have his moustache to keep, when he asked why he said cos thats the tash my father wore

[Border Fox]

Excellecnt but sick

[ziggysego]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"