Official Gooners Thread - A New Hope

[Dinny Breen]

Picked this up on football365 of all places - brought a wry smile to my face

Arsenal's Summer Foreseen
Seeing as football news is quiet, I thought I would predict the future as accurate as can be. This is what summer 2010 holds for Arsenal.

* After yet another trophyless season, Arsene Wenger tells Arsenal fans that he has spotted the problems in the side and will regulate them in the transfer market.

* One month after making these comments, and with no one still signed, the apologists begin by claiming that 'Arsene needs to wait for the World Cup to finish' before signing anyone.

* Apologists then come to the realisation that the 15 year olds Wenger intends on signing aren't at the World Cup, since Burundi, Burkina Faso and Zamunda aren't taking part.

* Chamakh comes in on a free. He adds firepower to 'new signings' Eduardo, RVP and Vela (all back from injury of course).

* The World Cup finishes and still no sign of a top defender, top midfielder or top striker. Wenger apologists then claim that Arsene is 'waiting for Godot'.

* A week later, Wenger bemoans the inflated nature of the transfer market.

* One day after this, Wenger sells Cesc to Barca for 65 million GBP

* Almunia gets a job waitering at the Ivy and Fabianski is hailed as the new Lev Yashin.

* With 2 weeks to go until the start of the season, and still no sign of further additions, Wenger picks up a turd from Hampstead heath and puts it in the squad.

* One day after watching the turd in training, Wenger insists that 'he cannot find anything better than what he currently has'.

* Arsene's cult agree. Some random 'diehard' claims that anyone criticising Wenger's decision to sign the turd should 'go and support Chelski or Citeh'. If Wenger has seen the turd in training then he Knows best.

* The season begins. Arsenal destroy Ebbsfleet 15-1 on the opening day, with the turd even getting in on the act.

* Cue riotous celebrations. 'Arsene Knows' and 'the turd has proved his critics wrong'.

* Turd is given a massive contract extension and bumper pay rise the following day.

* With one week to go until transfer window close, Wenger with the 60 million profit from the Fabregas sale has Still found no one. Arsenal are top of the league by alphabetical order mind, so why would he need anyone else?

* Transfer window slams shut. Only then does Wenger reveal he was 'very close' to signing Lio Messi, David Villa, Whitney Houston and Robert Mugabe.

* Arsenal surge to a great run and are top on new year's day!

* Wenger goes on to throw the FA Cup. Range of deluded apologists defend this disgraceful decision.

* In the following weeks, Arsenal play Man United. Despite 100% possession, Arsenal have no shots on goal and lose 5-0 at home to Man United's 3 shots ongoal (plus a Denilson + Fabianski og).

* Random Arsenal player gives a loudmouth interview claiming 'we will learn from this'.

* Two days later, Arsenal go to Stamford Bridge and only manage 80% possession. Didier scores a hat-trick inside 15 minutes.

* The Chelsea back-line and keeper decide to sunbathe for the rest of the match, safe in the knowledge that Arsenal will play one thousand pretty passes in front of the D, without anyone actually shooting.

* Wenger gives post-match interview, furious about Chelsea's 'anti-football' and disgusted that Ancelotti has invented a new on-field collective known as a 'defence'.

* Wenger is even more disgusted at the 6 foot plus fella on the nets preventing the ball going in. Arsene had always thought that bloke's job was to pick the ball out of the net once it had gone in?

* Robin Van Persie injures himself doing the moonwalk. Out for the season.

* Rosicky injures himself eating a Krispy Kreme, Out for '4-6 weeks'. Ends up being out for a decade.

* Arsenal fans claim that 'with a fit Rosicky and RVP' that the UK would definitely have won the Eurovision song contest.

* Now out of the league cup, FA Cup and title race, Arsene Wenger claims that these 3 competitions don't matter, and that only the CL does.

* After his kids have their undies pulled down my Man United in the CL yet again, AW claims he has discovered a new mathematical theory whereby third place is actually superior to first.

* Arsenal fans happily digest this and serenade Wenger, who is offered a contract for life.

Repeat to fade.

[ONeill]

Now, that is funny.

[ONeill]

Impossible to predict tonight.

1. Arsenal continue their run of form. Play well enough but can't score. Gerrard and Kuyt have Liverpool 2-0 up on 60 mins and se the game out. Boos. City and Liverpool are now favourites to clinch CL places. 1 point from the 4 big games.

2. Arsenal and Liverpool happily play out a bore draw. Two teams going nowhere and afraid to lose.

3. Arsenal have actually turned the corner and pummel Liverpool. Denilson and Clichy start to run, Bendtner is the player his head tells him he is and Arsenal win 3-1. Almunia makes a save. Chelsea and/or Utd drop points and with the easier run-in things are rosier in the garden again.

[ONeill]

Almunia,
Eboue, Gallas, Vermaelen, Clichy,
Fabregas, Song, Diaby, Nasri, Arshavin
Bendtner

Subs: Fabianski, Sagna, Rosicky, Walcott, Denilson, Traore, Campbell.

[The Worker]

Impossible to predict tonight.

1. Arsenal continue their run of form. Play well enough but can't score. Gerrard and Kuyt have Liverpool 2-0 up on 60 mins and se the game out. Boos. City and Liverpool are now favourites to clinch CL places. 1 point from the 4 big games.

2. Arsenal and Liverpool happily play out a bore draw. Two teams going nowhere and afraid to lose.

3. Arsenal have actually turned the corner and pummel Liverpool. Denilson and Clichy start to run, Bendtner is the player his head tells him he is and Arsenal win 3-1. Almunia makes a save. Chelsea and/or Utd drop points and with the easier run-in things are rosier in the garden again.

i have a few pound on this outcome

[The Worker]

any links?

[ONeill]

Loads on myp2p

Bore so far.

[ONeill]

Bendtner goes close. First real shot of the game from both sides - 25 mins..

[ONeill]

Arsenal starting to press. Probably means a counter attack goal for Liverpool.

[ONeill]

Bendtner making a difference at times. Good to see a striker on the team.

[ONeill]

Nasri off after 33. Rosicky on.

[centre 3/4s]

Bendtner making a difference at times. Good to see a striker on the team.

Are you watching the same game as me? He is running about like a spare p***k!!

[ONeill]

Bendtner is bursting a gut - even when he loses the ball he's bulling about after it - Arsenal missed that this last 2 weeks.

[gerry]

Cannot get near a pc to watch this and radio five live covering the other two games. Feck.

[ONeill]

What happened to Nasri? Thought he was doing alright.

Injury.