Corny One for Friday

[5 Sams]

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.
May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,
   "Not a f**king thing!"

[Declan]

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





See below....................





































Husband's Diary:

        A four putt;  who the hell four putts ?

[Orior]

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:

        A four putt;  who the hell four putts ?

That is so true.

[stephenite]

who the hell four putts ?

Unfortunately, I do (on occasion)

[5 Sams]

[All of a Sludden]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[The Gs Man]

Paddy told the wife he was getting a burning sensation in his anus and didnt know what it was.

She said, 'Ring sting?'

Paddy said, 'What the f**k will he know?'

[armaghniac]

Autocorrect snafus 
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/10484/the-top-15-most-popular-dyac-texts-of-all-time/

[Santino]

Autocorrect snafus 
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/10484/the-top-15-most-popular-dyac-texts-of-all-time/

Crying with laughter reading that!

[Orior]

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns


Dear Twilight Fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic


Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic


Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic...I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely,
Anonymous


Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada


Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google


Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985


Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle


Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Jack


Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP


Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God


Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed


Dear Michael Jackson,
You really should have become a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but the benefits....
Sincerely,
The Pope


Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder


Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely,
The World


Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people


Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely,
Joseph


Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States


Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere


Dear Anne Frank,
Two can play this game....
Sincerely,
Waldo


Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Americans,
I'm sorry, did you just insult us? I couldn't hear you over my health care benefits.
Sincerely,
Canadians


Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,
Al Gore


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol


Dear Mr. Gump
WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely,
Jenny


Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely,
Justin Beiber


Dear Haiti ,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell


Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream....What now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio


Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans


Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka


Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans


Dear Twihards,
If he sparkles, he's probably one of ours
Sincerely,
Gay Men Of America


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User


Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified


Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore


Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant


Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

[Orior]

"I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it."
Ken Dodd


"I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox."
Tim Vine


"I need cheering up. I lent my friend $8,000 for plastic surgery. Now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips


"My girlfriend had a phantom pregnancy. Now we have a little baby ghost."
Jimmy Carr


"A man loses his dog, so he puts an ad in the paper. And the ad says, "Here, boy!"
Spike Milligan


"I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference."
Jay Leno


"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said, "Aren't you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough."
Les Dawson


"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now."
Bob Monkhouse


"It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake."
Chris Addison


"These are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."
Groucho Marx

[Orior]

Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guest's complaints:

1. ''I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard-creams or ginger-nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "Do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

7. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

8. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

9. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

10. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

11. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

12. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."

13. "The roads were uneven.."

14. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, but it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

15. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

16. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

17. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish.. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners  '- now live abroad'."

18.. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

19. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

20. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

21. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

22. "The beach was too sandy."

[laoislad]

A man is queuing at the 5 items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a 4 pack of Heineken and an Indian meal for 1. Shes smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for 1. He says to her "You're single aren't you?" She gives a girly giggle and says "yes, how did you know?" The man replies "cause your an ugly cnut"

[Onion Bag]

This is a genuine complaint to Strandtown Police Station, Belfast  from an angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, 


Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Strandtown police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Strandtown, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Parkgate Crescent, which is just off Mersey Street Belfast.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. In fact, I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Police car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant


Mr ,
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ?
Community Beat Officer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Srandtown Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Parkgate Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Belfast, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Holywood Road , or the one at Victoria Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Pollock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Great Eastern Pub.

Regards


P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

[highorlow]

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster

EMO PHILIPS