Corny One for Friday

[5 Sams]

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ..



Doctor: "What happened?"



Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."



Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow.



Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."



Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.



Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea.

I swished and swished,and he didn't touch me!"



Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[All of a Sludden]

I ordered a Chinese take away the other night, the Chinese delivery driver turned up at my door and said "£20 prease".

I smiled and said "can you tell me the name of Jordans blind son"?

He said, "harfy price". I replied cheers Ting Tong here's a tenner now clear off.

[liihb]

I ordered a Chinese take away the other night, the Chinese delivery driver turned up at my door and said "£20 prease".

I smiled and said "can you tell me the name of Jordans blind son"?

He said, "harfy price". I replied cheers Ting Tong here's a tenner now clear off

A bit like the w**king scarecrow, you're clutching at straws there chief

[5 Sams]

The wife (with a touch of PMT) asks the husband...."Are you ready for your dinner?" He says..."Yes love...what are the choices?"...She says.."Yes or fuckin No..."

[Hoof Hearted]

The wife (with a touch of PMT) asks the husband...."Are you ready for your dinner?" He says..."Yes love...what are the choices?"...She says.."Yes or fuckin No..."

this might be a joke thread....but how true is that !!!

[ziggysego]

A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What is this?
Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
Kid: The cow ate all of it.
Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow?
Kid: It left because there was no more grass.

[Orior]

Ziggy, I heard a version of that joke about 30 years ago.

Person 1 "Hey, see can you find a picture of a man thumbing for a lift on this £10 note."

Person 2 studies the £10 note "Nope, I cant see anyone"

Person 1 "Oh, he must have got a lift"

[Orior]

Breaking News:
=========

Professor Stephen Hawking was found this morning with his face all covered in cuts and bruises.

Apparently he had a date with a girl the night before and she stood him up.

[illdecide]

> MARRIAGE SEMINAR
>
> While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
>
> Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
>
> 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
> dislikes.'
>
> He addressed the man,
>
> 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
>
> Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's
> self-raising, isn't it?
>
>
>
> WORDS
>
> A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
> day...
>
> 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
>
> The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat
> everything to men....
>
> The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
>
>
>
>
>
> CREATION
>
> A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
>
> so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
>
> 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
>
> God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
>
> God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
>
>
>
>
> The Silent Treatment
>
> A man and his wife were having some problems at home
>
> and were giving each other the silent treatment.
>
> Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife
to
> wake him
>
> at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
>
> Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on
> a piece of paper,
> 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find
it.
>
>
> The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
> he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his
> wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
>
> The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
>
> Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[Maguire01]

Hilarious 

[Orior]

Blackadder Insults
===========


On Acting
I'd rather have my tongue beaten wafer-thin with a steak tenderizer and then stapled to the floor with a croquet hoop.

On Baldrick
God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad outlook for Christians throughout the globe if god looked anything like you Baldrick.

He looks like what he is, a dungball in a dress.

Your services might be as useful as a barber shop in the steps of the guillotine.

On Baldrick's Acting
Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests there are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions that you.

The only decent impression he can do is of a man with no talent.

On Baldrick's Kitchen
O God! This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the 100 yrs war. Baldrick have you been eating dung again?

Bob
You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears only golf club.

Charlie Chaplin
I find his films as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.

Concert Parties
I'd rather spend an evening on top of a stepladder in no mans land smoking a fag through a luminous balaclava.

The French
We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincourt? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?

Lieutenant Georges acting
You were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick.

Mrs Miggins
Mrs M, if we were the last 3 humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick

On Percy
You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would.

The Scarlet Pimpernel
He's the most overrated man since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 best Disciple competition.

[Orior]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
----------------------------------------------------------
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh s ** t, it's Global Warming.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

----------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
----------------------------------------------------------
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.
----------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.
----------------------------------------------------------
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
----------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.
----------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
----------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth.
And now it's black and crispy.

[Orior]

Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she says

"Remember, you have a wife."

[Orior]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......."

[Orior]

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