Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:     

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

[tyroneman]

I used to date women in alphabetical order.  It all went swimmingly until Yvonne dumped me.......she was worried I would go back to my ex

[brokencrossbar1]

Garry Glitter to take over from Ged at Aston Villa.

He's been told that the strikers are Young, Bent and probably Keane.

[illdecide]

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks..

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't  breathe".

[Harold Disgracey]

I was driving past a field earlier when I saw a scarecrow trying to have a w**k - I thought to myself...
"That poor bastard's just clutching at straws!".

[illdecide]

LITTLE JOHNNY WAS WALKING HOME FROM SCHOOL WITH HIS MUM, TELLING HER ABOUT HIS DAY..."MUMMY, AT PLAY TIME, I SAW DADDY'S CAR INTO THE WOODS AND AUNTY JANE WAS WITH HIM"..."OHH" SAID MUM "CARRY ON..."THEN ME AND JACK SNEAKED OUT AND FOLLOWED THEM AND SAW THEM KISSING AND..." "STOP!" SAID MUM, "WHY DON'T YOU SAVE YOUR STORY AND TELL US ALL TONIGHT, SO DADDY CAN HEAR TOO".

SO AT THE DINNER TABLE LITTLE JOHNNY TOLD THEM "I SAW DADDY'S CAR GO INTO THE WOODS NEAR SCHOOL AND ME AND JACK WENT INTO THE WOODS. WE SAW DADDY KISSING AUNTIE JANE THEN THEY TOOK OFF THEIR CLOTHES AND DID THAT THING WHAT MUMMY AND UNCLE BOB DO WHEN DADDY'S AT WORK"...MUM FAINTED.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS; WOMEN SHOULD ALWAYS SHUT UP, LISTEN AND LET PEOPLE FINISH BEFORE INTERRUPTING...

[gerry]

I've just bought some Tesco three stripe Viagra, they only give you a semi, but,

Every little helps.

[illdecide]

 
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown  Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.  E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Bur berry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ....45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so
what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

[illdecide]

20. "I don't see the problem with footballers taking their shirts off after scoring a goal? They enjoy it and the young ladies enjoy it too. I suppose thats one of the main reasons women come to football games, to see the young men take their shirts off. Of course they'd have to go and watch another game because my lads are as ugly as sin." – about the new rule restricting footballers from removing their shirts during a match.
19. "Hasney's bust his hooter. He can smell round corners now." – on an injury sustained by central defender Hasney Aljofree.
18. "Sir David Beckham? You're having a laugh. He's just a good footballer with a famous bird. Can you imagine if Posh was called Lady Beckham? We'd never hear the end of it!" – on rumours about a possible knighthood for David Beckham.
17. "We need a big, ugly defender. If we had one of them we'd have dealt with County's first goal by taking out the ball, the player and the first three rows of seats in the stands." – after a defeat against Notts County.
16. "Apparently it's my fault that the Titanic sank." – on criticism from Plymouth Argyle fans during Leicester City's match against Plymouth Argyle.
15. "It's all very well having a great pianist playing but it's no good if you haven't got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play." – after being criticised for using defensive players in midfield.
14. "Paul Furlong is my vintage Rolls Royce and he cost me nothing. We polish him, look after him, and I have him fine tuned by my mechanics. We take good care of him because we have to drive him every day, not just save him for weddings." – on veteran striker Paul Furlong.
13. "If he's only worth £4 million, then I'm a Scotsman called Mctavish." – Again on bids received for captain Charlie Adam
12. "Have you ever seen The Incredibles? They have a a kid and he's just so quick, like 'WOOSH' and he's gone, and they call him 'Dash'. – on Scott Sinclair, then on loan at Argyle.
11. "It was a bit cheeky wasn't it? But I don't think it was that bad. It would have been worse if he'd turned round and dropped the front of his shorts instead. I don't think there's anything wrong with a couple of butt cheeks personally. (...) If anybody's offended by seeing a backside, get real. Maybe they're just jealous that he's got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything." – on Manchester City midfielder Joey Barton mooning Everton fans
10. "When my wife first saw Marc for the first time, she said he was a fine specimen of a man. She says I have nothing to worry about, but I think she wants me to buy her a QPR shirt with his name on the back for Christmas." – on QPR's new Danish striker Marc Nygaard.
9. "I call us the Orange club – because our future's bright!" – on QPR's potential.
8. "It's like the film Men in Black. I walk around in a black suit, white shirt and black tie where I've had to flash my white light every now and again to erase some memories, but I feel we've got hold of the galaxy now. It's in our hands." - Holloway on QPR's financial situation.
7. "Every dog has its day, and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark!" – Holloway after securing promotion to the Championship."
6. "I am a football manager. I can't see into the future. Last year I thought I was going to Cornwall on my holidays but I ended up going to Lyme Regis." – asked whether QPR would be able to beat Manchester City.
5. "It was lucky that the linesman wasn't stood in front of me as I would have poked him with a stick to make sure he was awake." – Holloway states his opinion about the linesman's performance in a game against Bristol City.
4. "He's six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking – he's got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he's hung like a hamster – That would make us all feel better. Having said that, me missus has got a pet hamster at home, and his c**k's massive." – talking about Cristiano Ronaldo.
3. "Dream on! If they want to insult me by only offering £3.5 million and then get it all over the paper and try to upset me well, sorry, they're barking up the wrong tree, they're messing with the wrong dog and I'll come and bite them." – On bids received for captain Charlie Adam.
2. "To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She weren't the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let's have a coffee" – on the "ugly" win against Chesterfield. This is perhaps Holloway's most famous quote.
1. "If I was in there I wouldn't try to be everybody's friend. I'd have to say 'Excuse me, hang on a minute, I think you're wrong there. Don't raise your voice at her like that, don't get like that. It's just an Oxo cube, we got it wrong and we're all in this together'. It's like the Witches of Eastwick. They need Jack Nicholson to come in and sort them right out." – on the bullying of Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother 2007.

[Tyrones own]

  I met a fairy today that would grant me one wish.
 
  I want to live forever," I said.

Sorry said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

Fine says I, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their
  Holes!"






You crafty bastard, says he!

[CountyMan]

Garry Glitter to take over from Ged at Aston Villa.

He's been told that the strikers are Young, Bent and probably Keane.

Cracker!

[illdecide]

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole, when a second

golfer approached and asked if he could join him The first said that

he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said,

"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a

hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but

agreed to the terms.


The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy

counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a

neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers and asked his

"victim" what he did for a living. The first fellow revealed that he

was the Parish Priest.


The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet

with you. You keep your winnings."


The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make amends?"


The Priest said, "Well, yes, you could come to Mass on Sunday, and if
you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them

[illdecide]

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide together. Strangly enough after she killed herself i started feeling better so i thought, F**k it!!! Soilder on.

[illdecide]

On holiday in Spain recently, i seen a sign that said "English speaking Doctor". I thought to myself "what a f**king good idea, why don't we have them in our country?

[Gaoth Dobhair Abu]

Probably been done before but I'm in tears here! 

Andy Gray's Letter of Resignation

Dear all,

I am so sad to be leaving a company that I have served long and hard for, for over 20 years. In fact I would like to go out on a high and so..........

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You ok sweetheart?" she says.

"Yes Miss" he replies.

"'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.

"It's best I stay here Miss. " he says.

"Why?" asks the blonde.

The boy replies: "Because I'm the effing goalkeeper."