Corny One for Friday

[5 Sams]

I applied for a job as a a security guard at Primark yesterday.

They asked me..."Do you have any relevant experience?"

"Loads" I replied. "I used to be a park warden."

"How exactly is that relevant?"

"Because I'm used to standing all day watching people put shit into a bag".

[illdecide]

Best letter sent to Santa...

"Dear Santa please bring me lots and lots of cloths to give to the poor women on Daddy's computer"

[illdecide]

It's just been announced that the Ann Summers chain of shops has made a bid for re-naming the Athletic Grounds in Armagh...A Spokesman said "it would be an ideal place for showing off a wide range of pricks".

[Orior]

This is for anyone who works in an IT Service Desk....


On the 1st day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 2nd day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 3rd day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 4th day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 5th day of Christmas,
My User sent to me
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 6th day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Six Lessons Learnt
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 7th day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Seven Printer Defaults
Six Lessons Learnt
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 8th day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Eight File Recoveries
Seven Printer Defaults
Six Lessons Learnt
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 9th day of Service Desks,My User sent to me
Nine Password Resets ,
Eight File Recoveries
Seven Printer Defaults
Six Lessons Learnt
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 10th day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Ten Requests for Change,
Nine Password Resets ,
Eight File Recoveries
Seven Printer Defaults
Six Lessons Learnt
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 11th day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Eleven Email set ups
Ten Requests for Change,
Nine Password Resets ,
Eight File Recoveries
Seven Printer Defaults
Six Lessons Learnt
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

On the 12th day of Service Desks,
My User sent to me
Twelve Hard Drive replacements
Eleven Email set ups
Ten Requests for Change,
Nine Password Resets ,
Eight File Recoveries
Seven Printer Defaults
Six Lessons Learnt
Five phone rings,
Four new user setups,
Three Requests for info,
Two Broken Keyboards,
And A Fault with an ancient PC

[Orior]

A friend of mine got run over by a snow plough.

"I'll sue the bollix" he said , through gritted teeth.

[Orior]

The police are on the lookout for someone who has stabbed 6 people with knitting needles.

A police spokesman said that the culprit is following a pattern....

[5 Sams]

Top Tip (Stolen from the Wobbler )

Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.

[Bingo]

Its like "The best of sickipedia" on here at the minute!

[Croí na hÉireann]

Don't shoot the messenger fellas. I merely repeated a joke that was forwarded to myself.

So you have no filter, no valve, no means of intercepting what flows through you. You are, in fact, a tube.

That's one of the best put downs I've ever heard, nicely played Hardy. Awful "joke" incidentally SM.

[ziggysego]

Don't shoot the messenger fellas. I merely repeated a joke that was forwarded to myself.

So you have no filter, no valve, no means of intercepting what flows through you. You are, in fact, a tube.

That's one of the best put downs I've ever heard, nicely played Hardy. Awful "joke" incidentally SM.

An as awful as that joke 5 Sams stole from the Wobbler today. Christ Almighty, he should be ashamed of himself.

[Eddie Stobart]

Don't shoot the messenger fellas. I merely repeated a joke that was forwarded to myself.

So you have no filter, no valve, no means of intercepting what flows through you. You are, in fact, a tube.

That's one of the best put downs I've ever heard, nicely played Hardy. Awful "joke" incidentally SM.

He called him a tube...hardly a great put down.
What was the joke anyway

[The Boy Wonder]

A friend of mine got run over by a snow plough.

"I'll sue the bollix" he said , through gritted teeth.

Grounds for asalt charge maybe....

[BarryBreensBandage]

Two snowmen in a garden - one says to the other - "Can you smell carrots?"

[Hoof Hearted]

£14 feeds a family of 3 on xmas day, that's why Mum's go to Iceland
£10 for an 18 year old to bounce on your c**k all day, that;s why Dad's go to Thailand !

[illdecide]

> YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
> SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
>
> MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
> APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA WHICH BORE
> HIS FULL NAME.
>
> SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
> NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO
>
> .
> COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
>
> UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT..
>
> THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD
> TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE
> HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
>
> 'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! ' HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
> 'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
>
> HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
>
> 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
>
> HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
>
> THEN THAT UGLY,
>
> OLD,
>
> BALD,
>
> WRINKLED,
>
> FAT ARSED,
>
> GREY HAIRED,
>
> DECREPIT,
>
> BASTARD ASKED....
>
>
>
>
>
> 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'