Corny One for Friday

[Orior]

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich German will not suspect anything. At that moment the German comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

[Orior]

A mate of mine got a job in Burger King in London.

First day on the job, Andrew Loyd Webber walks in.

Loyd Webber: "Gimme 2 whoppers"

My mate: "You a good looking guy and you're operas are great"

[Orior]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

[illdecide]

> The train was quite crowded,
>
>  so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat,
>
> but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
>
> middle-aged, French woman's poodle...
>
>
> The war-weary Marine asked,
>
> 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
>
> The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
>
> 'Americans are so rude.
>
> My little Fifi is using that seat.'
>
> The Marine walked the entire train again,
>
> but the only seat left was under that dog..
>
> 'Please, ma'am.  May I sit down? I'm very tired.
>
> She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude,
>
> you are also arrogant!'
>
> This time the Marine didn't say a word;
>
> he just picked up the little dog,
>
> threw it out of the train window,
>
>
>  and sat down.
>
>
> The woman shrieked,
>
> 'Someone must defend my honour!
>
> This American should be put in his place!'
>
> An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
>
>  'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
> thing.
>
> You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
>
> You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
>
> And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

[Hardy]

It's not the punchline, it's the way he tells it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t00GfcWcuxg&feature=related

[illdecide]

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a night it increases the likelyhood of a stroke, if she finishes the whole bottle she'll probably suck it as well

[illdecide]

When asked if he preferred legs or breasts Paddy said that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies. He was informed that this was not an option with a KFC bargin bucket...

[Banana Man]

When asked if he preferred legs or breasts Paddy said that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies. He was informed that this was not an option with a KFC bargin bucket...

i burst out at that one

[illdecide]

No matter how much my wife prepares for the snow this weekend, she still won't be ready for the 10 inches she's getting tonight

[illdecide]

(Heard this before but posted it anyway)

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a
plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag
out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start
reminiscing.



''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old
now.''



''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother
cheerfully.



"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.



"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.



''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''



''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly
hair when he was born.''



''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.



''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.



''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.





"He would have been 18'', she whispers.



"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first
started school''



''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.



After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says
. .





....





"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[brokencrossbar1]

http://i.imgur.com/rOps7.jpg

[Tyrones own]

 A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so
Many others her age, she considered herself to be a very Liberal
Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in Favor of
Higher taxes to support more government programs, in other Words
Redistribution of wealth.


She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the Lectures that
She had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she
Felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to
Keep what he thought should be his.


One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to Higher
Taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The
Self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to Be the
Truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by Asking how
She was doing in school.


Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and
Let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that She was
Taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which
Left her no time to go out and party like other people She knew. She
Didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many
College friends,  because she spent all her time studying.


Her father listened and then asked , 'How is your friend Audrey
Doing?' She replied, ' Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are
Easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She Is
So popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited
To all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for
Classes because she's too hung over.'


Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's
Office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your
Friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA, and
Certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.' The
Daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
Back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really
Hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard
Work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played
While I worked my tail off!'



The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to The
Republican party.'


If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a
great test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for Everyone.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his
situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

if a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
(Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!) 

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have
A good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended". 

[Orior]

I hate Russion Dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

[Maguire01]

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so
Many others her age, she considered herself to be a very Liberal
Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in Favor of
Higher taxes to support more government programs, in other Words
Redistribution of wealth.


She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the Lectures that
She had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she
Felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to
Keep what he thought should be his.


One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to Higher
Taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The
Self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to Be the
Truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by Asking how
She was doing in school.


Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and
Let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that She was
Taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which
Left her no time to go out and party like other people She knew. She
Didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many
College friends,  because she spent all her time studying.


Her father listened and then asked , 'How is your friend Audrey
Doing?' She replied, ' Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are
Easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She Is
So popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited
To all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for
Classes because she's too hung over.'


Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's
Office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your
Friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA, and
Certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.' The
Daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
Back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really
Hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard
Work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played
While I worked my tail off!'



The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to The
Republican party.'


If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a
great test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for Everyone.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his
situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

if a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
(Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!) 

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have
A good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended". 

To be honest, there's a lot of crap in that. For example:
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

Could be turned as follows:
If a liberal doesn't want to have an abortion, she doesn't have one
If a conservative doesn't want an abortion, she wants nobody to be able to have one


or
If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

That one is just wrong.
If conservatives don't agree with rock music, they'll protest for censorship;

If a conservative doesn't want to attend a gay pride event; they don't want anyone else attanding it either.


The arguments hold no water.

[haranguerer]

Its posted in the joke thread maguire - lighten up