Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

The other day I needed to go to the A & E at our hospital. Not wanting
> to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a
> patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the
> Internet.
>
> When I went in, 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided
> that they weren't that sick after all.
>
> Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
>
> Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of
> quicker emergency service.
>
> It also works at DSS. Saved me 5 hours.
>
> At the laundrette, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any
> machine, most still running.
>
> Don't try it at McDonald's though, the whole crew got up and left and l
> never got my order...
>
> Scroll down

[illdecide]

> The priest in a small Irish village loved the c**k and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the c**k went missing! The priest knew that c**k fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
>
> During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a c**k?"
>
> All the men stood up.
>
> "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c**k?"
>
> All the women stood up.
>
> "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c**k that doesn't belong to them?"
>
> Half the women stood up.
>
> "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY c**k?"
>
> All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[illdecide]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
 
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.
 
"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).
 
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.
 
"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........
 
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you know what's coming don't you ?
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she flew off, saying.......
 
"Just follow the yellow-p***k toad !! "

[illdecide]

SERENITY   


Just before the funeral services,
the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ...
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour...
But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief"


THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

[BarryBreensBandage]

Man walks into Doctors and says "Doctor, I feel like a trumpet"
Doctor says "Thats weird, a girl just left there saying that she felt like a mouth organ"
Your man goes "Ah, thats our Monica"....

[Orior]

This morning on the motorway, I  looked over to my right and there was a  woman in a brand new VW blue DIESEL TURBO !!

Doing  75mph

With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds

And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;

I dropped my electric shaver,

Which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,

It knocked my mobile phone away from my ear

Which fell into the coffee between my legs,

Splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an important call!

BLOODY women drivers!!

[illdecide]

THE SCOTS COW
 

   The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.


  The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland.  It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

  They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland ..
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
 
"My wife is from Scotland."

[Orior]

THE SCOTS COW
 

   The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.


  The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland.  It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

  They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland ..
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
 
"My wife is from Scotland."

Yes, mine is from Scotland too 

[illdecide]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

[gawa316]

I don't realise why everyone hates Audley Harrison...sure he never hurt anyone!

[screenmachine]

I don't realise why everyone hates Audley Harrison...sure he never hurt anyway!

[illdecide]

I don't realise why everyone hates Audley Harrison...sure he never hurt anyway!

Is that meant to be "anyone"

[gawa316]

I don't realise why everyone hates Audley Harrison...sure he never hurt anyway!

oops...anyone

[gawa316]

I don't realise why everyone hates Audley Harrison...sure he never hurt anyway!

Is that meant to be "anyone"

[ballygawleyman]

After refusing to go forward at anytime on Saturday it is rumoured that Man City will be trying to sign Audley Harrison







This joke combines both Audley's poor performance together with Man City's current attacking abilities. Its a two-fer.