Corny One for Friday

[Pangurban]

Important Health Notice For Women

> Do you have feelings of  inadequacy?
> Do you suffer from  shyness?
> Do you sometimes wish you were more  assertive?
>
> If you answered yes to any of these questions,  ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet  Sauvignon.
>
> Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to  feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It  can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world  that you're ready and willing to do just about  anything.
>
> You will notice the benefits of Cabernet  Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses,  you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life  you want to live.  Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of  the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you  had.
>
> Stop hiding and start  living.
>
> Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone.  Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women  who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try  it.
>
> Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea,  vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing,  loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table  dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing  Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and  Naked Twister.
>
> WARNINGS:
>   * The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make  you think you are whispering when you are  not.
>   * The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause  you to tell your friends over and over again that you love  them.
>   * The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause  you to think you can sing.
>   * The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make  you think you can converse enthusiastically with members of the  opposite sex without spitting.
>   * The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may  create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better  looking than most people.
>
> Please feel free to share this important  information with as many women as you feel may  benefit!
>
> Now  just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz ........

[Orior]

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

Teacher: What is your problem?
Boy: I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too.

The teacher took the boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Boy: 9
Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Boy: 36

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. "I think the boy can go to the third-grade", said the principal. The teacher said she had some of her own questions to ask. The principal and the boy agreed.

Teacher: What is it that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.

Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy: Pockets.

Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was already answering.
Boy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands.

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large vodka peg.....
Boy: Wedding Ring.

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose

Teacher: I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck.

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' and if u dont get it u have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.

Teacher: What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men than for others. The pope doesn't use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to the University. I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

[Orior]

Time waster game

http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf

[illdecide]

Orior i see you're taking over from me i can't get on the board much in work these days to get the old jokes up

[Banana Man]

http://www.subtangent.com/maths/countdown.php

numbers game from countdown...

[The Real Laoislad]

http://www.subtangent.com/maths/countdown.php

numbers game from countdown...

Worst Joke ever.

[Bud Wiser]

Tourism boost for Westmeath?  Reports coming out that the statue of Joe Dolan is moving. Council official confirmed this yesterday saying, 'it's moving more and more every day'

[armaghniac]

Shouldn't that be more, and more and more?

[BarryBreensBandage]

Was walking down to the shop yesterday when someone threw a lump of cheese at me - I thought, thats not very mature.

[ziggysego]

TV NEWS: BBC unveil new show where mothers have to pitch their new born babies to James Caan - Diddums Den.

[Orior]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"   

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

[Pangurban]

IT MUST BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do..
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:    None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Orior]

A friend of mine was in hospital recently to have a large mole removed from his penis.








He says he's never shagging one of those again.

[Orior]

Subject: Teaching Maths in Great Britain 
=========================

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the
felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20
profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state
for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. 
However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put
it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
> الانتاج 80 من
> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20

[ballinaman]

Knock knock....

Who's there?

Doorbell repairman