Corny One for Friday

[duvet dave]

I wonder where you got those from Niall?   


Top ten best jokes judged at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub..."

And the worst...

Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes - "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

John Luke Roberts - "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

Dan Antopolski - "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."

[Puckoon]

I dont get the wooden spoon one?

[Dougal]

I dont get the wooden spoon one?

good,either do i.

[haranguerer]

Me 3...

[AFS]

I did a google. According to Dj_Jestar:

Pubs often use Wooden Spoons with numbers on as a table markers so the waiter/waitress knows where to take food. If you walk into a pub with a number on a spoon you might get food that someone else paid for.

[Puckoon]

That was one of the best ones but these three are in the worst?

Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."


Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."


Thats stupid.

[Orior]

And the number one reason a Rifle is favoured over a woman:

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.
6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.
3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
1. You can buy a silencer for a Rifle

[5 Sams]

Dunno what the fuss is....Top Cat lived in a bin for years

[glens73]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the f**king bed!!"

[Minder]

Why did Adobe Acrobat have to go to jail?

Because he was a PDF File.

[duvet dave]

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

[Orior]

Dreamt last night that I was in the living room and Death appeared and we started fighting.

The only handy weapon i could find was a vacuum cleaner.

Yes, I was Dyson with Death.

[BarryBreensBandage]

Who is the coolest guy in a hospital?
The Ultra-Sound Guy

And if he is off sick? Who is the coolest guy in the hospital?
The Hip Replacement Guy.

[Pangurban]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%

[Orior]

Would acupuncture be a good cure for pins & needles?