Corny One for Friday

[DoireGael]

Funniest one av heard in a while,

said to a lad in the bar ,'any luck last night?'

reply - 'Aw aye chief, left her face like a plasters radio

[illdecide]

Just bought a racehorse yesterday and i've called it "My Face". It might not be a winner but i can't wait to hear 10,000 women shouting "Come on..My face" on ladies day

[illdecide]

Another Bush Special

Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill Clinton if he could use the personal Presidential bathroom. When he entered the toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura about the urinal.
"Just think", he said when I am President, I could have a gold urinal too, but I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent.

Later, when Laura has lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at the discovery of the fact, than in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill "I found out who pissed in your saxophone"

[Fear ón Srath Bán]

See that they've given GWB a job on the roads now:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-10936604

[Orior]

Two cops on patrol by a beach see a woman approaching people, mostly youths with ghetto-blasters, and she appears to be exchanging small packages for money. They suspect that she is dealing drugs, so they set up an undercover operation. The younger of the cops gets a radio and sunbathes on the beach.

The woman finally approaches him, and offers a deal. He returns to the second cop, who asks why he didn't arrest her.

And the first cop says, 'She wasn't selling drugs. She was selling batteries.'

And the second cop says, 'You mean, batteries for your radio?'

And the first cop says, 'Yes. She sells C cells on the sea shore.'

[Orior]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f .... away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

[Orior]

This is how all airplanes should be painted, and then also trains, buses and cars.

http://www.chrisrawlinson.com/2010/02/kulula-airlines-flying-101-livery/

[under the bar]

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f .... away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

I've heard dozens of people tell this joke and have yet to hear anyone laugh at it.

[screenexile]

A freind of mine who had gone travelling for the year has just been Mauled by a Coyote in Mexico. . .

Apparently running like f**k and saying "Beep Beep" doesn't work after all. . . Who knew?

[lolafrola]

Would i get a ban if i posted a joke about the recent disaster in Pakistan?

[Orior]

Would i get a ban if i posted a joke about the recent disaster in Pakistan?

Of course not!

I hope it isnt a Tali-ban.

[ziggysego]

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f .... away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

I've heard dozens of people tell this joke and have yet to hear anyone laugh at it.

I never heard it before and it made me laugh

[Niall Quinn]

[Niall Quinn]

I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.

[Orior]

I overhead two ladies talking today.

First lady said "I'm very sorry to hear that your husband passed away. What did he die from?"

Second lady "The big C"

First lady "You mean he drowned?"