Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?
     
    My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. "
    David Beckham
   
    "I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the  league."
    Mark Viduka
   
    "Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level.
But he's the best manager I've ever had."
    David Beckham
   
    "If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
    Neville Southall
   
    "I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault,but 7 of which were disputable."
    Paul Gascoigne
   
    "I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
    Alan Shearer
   
    "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
    Mark Draper
   
    "You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup, until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
    Peter Shilton
   
    "I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
    Stan Collymore
   
    "I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he
    was out there playing."
    Ade Akinbiyi
   
    "Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
    Ian Wright
   
    "I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
    Ugo Ehiogu
   
    " Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough."
    Jonathan Woodgate
   
    "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
    Stuart Pearce
   
    "I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
    Lee Hendrie
   
    "I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
    Ian Rush
   
    " Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals
out there today."
    Steve Lomas
   
    "I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
    Barry Venison
   
    "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
    religion yet."
    David Beckham
   
    "The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
    Phil Neville
   
    "All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
    Mitchell Thomas
   
    "One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
    Alan Shearer
   
    "I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
    Johnny Giles
   
    "Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
    Thierry Henry

[The Real Laoislad]

A Dublin woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by her 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.

[Bud Wiser]

Finally - - An answer I can Understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the
f**king boat

  brillo

[Celt_Man]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my
pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. 

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She
said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might
have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,
'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go
on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

********

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I
AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one
are you?'

And then the fight started...

********

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect..'

And then the fight started.....

[illdecide]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Renewal Weekend in Belfast, wee Joe and his wife Aggie listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other..."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Joe leaned over, touched Aggie's arm gently, and whispered,

'It's Tesco's self-raising, isn't it?'

And thus began Joe's life of celibacy...

[Orior]

http://dingo.care2.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

[Catch the high ball]

Man gets home, tells wife
"Get me a beer before it starts"
he drinks it then says
"Quick get me another 1 before it starts"
again she gets it, he drinks it and says
"another before it starts
She says
"Listen here you lazy fat c***,
you walk in, sit down and start barking orders"...
He says "F*** me it's started"

[Denn Forever]

From the Good Cause Thread on Football Thread.

Did you hear about the Kerry Magician?


He turned his tractor into a field.

[Hardy]

On Radio One just now:

The war on poverty is over. The poor have surrendered.

[Billys Boots]

On Radio One just now:

The war on poverty is over. The poor have surrendered.

Will they be taking any prisoners?

[illdecide]

Dave comes from work early one day and walks into the kitchen to find his wife on her knees scrubbing the floor. He watches the rhythmic movements of her ass stuck high in the air for a few seconds, before he can't take it any more. He lifts up her skirt, slides in and gives her the pounding of her life until they both orgasm loudly.
Then he zips himself up, gets to his feet and kicks her up the arse as hard as he can. "What the f**k was that for?!" she screams at him. "That was for not turning around to see who was giving you the pounding"

[cokers]

Who's the only 12 stone man to ride a derby winner?










Lester piggots cell mate!

[Orior]

Topical, and in case someone has missed it......

WORLD CUP SOCCER SQUADS - JUST ANNOUNCED

The following squads have been announced for the 2002 World Cup


BRAZILIAN SQUAD for World Cup

Goalkeeper: Pincochio
Sweeper: Libero
Defenders: Vimto Memento Borneo Tango
Midfield: Cheerio Subbuteo Scenario Fellatio
Forwards: Portfolio

Substitutes: Placebo, Porno, Polio, Banjo, Brasso, Stereo (L), Stereo (R), Hydrochlorofluoro, Aristotle


SERBIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Itch
Defenders: Annoyingitch, Hardtoreachitch, Scratchanditch
Midfielders: Hic, Sic, Spic, Pric
Wingers: Digaditch, Fallinaditch
Forwards: Horseraditch

Substitutes: Mowapitch, Letsgetrich, Shagabitch


SLOVAKIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Whodyanicabolicov
Wing Backs: Ticlycov, Chesticov, Nasticov
Defenders: Slalomsky, Downhilsky
Midfielders: Risky, Swedishskev, Mastershev
Forwards: Fuckov, Taykitov

Substitutes: Rubitov, Gechakitov, Sodov, Pastryshev, Najinsky, Desert Orchid


ROMANIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Chatanoogaciouciou
Wing Backs: Atishiou, Blessiou, Thankyou
Defenders: Busqueue, Snookercu
Midfielders: Pennyciou, Twoapennyciou, Fourapennyciou
Forwards: I'llgetciou, Youandwhosarmi

Substitutes: U, NonU, ManU, Stuffyiou, Lee Kwan Yu


DANISH SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Toomanigoalssen
Defenders: Tryandstopussen, Crapdefenssen, Haveagossen
Midfielders: Firstsson, Secondsson, Thirdsson
Wingers: Legshurtssen, Notroubleseeingussen
Forwards: Wherestheballssen, Getthebeerssen

Substitutes: Howmanygoalsisthatssen, Finallygaveupcountinssen, Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen, YourelatedtoAlexFergusonssen


ITALIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Baloni
Defenders: Potbelli, Beerbelli, Giveitsumwelli
Midfielders: Wotsontelli, Toonsgotkenni, Onetoomani
Wingers: Legslikejelli, Havabenni
Forwards: Wobblijelli, Spendapenni

Substitutes: Cantthinkofani, Buggermi


MEXICAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: San Francisco
Defenders: Costa Brava, Hopelez, Juan Andonly, Manual Gearbox
Midfielders: Don Criformi-Argentina, Bodegas, Luis Canon, Sombrero
Forwards: Chihuahua, Jose

Substitutes: Jesus Maria Don Key, Burrito, Speedy Gonzalez, Tequila, Caramba


DUTCH SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Kenning Van Hire
Defenders: Van Diemansland, Van der Valk, Van Gard, Van Erealdizeez
Midfielders: Ad Van Tagus, Van Sprokendown, Aye van Hoe
Forwards: Van Coova, Hertz Van Rental, Transit Van Dors

Substitutes: Van Iller, Van Ishincreme, Van Morrison

[Celt_Man]

Topical, and in case someone has missed it......

WORLD CUP SOCCER SQUADS - JUST ANNOUNCED

The following squads have been announced for the 2002 World Cup


BRAZILIAN SQUAD for World Cup

Goalkeeper: Pincochio
Sweeper: Libero
Defenders: Vimto Memento Borneo Tango
Midfield: Cheerio Subbuteo Scenario Fellatio
Forwards: Portfolio

Substitutes: Placebo, Porno, Polio, Banjo, Brasso, Stereo (L), Stereo (R), Hydrochlorofluoro, Aristotle


SERBIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Itch
Defenders: Annoyingitch, Hardtoreachitch, Scratchanditch
Midfielders: Hic, Sic, Spic, Pric
Wingers: Digaditch, Fallinaditch
Forwards: Horseraditch

Substitutes: Mowapitch, Letsgetrich, Shagabitch


SLOVAKIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Whodyanicabolicov
Wing Backs: Ticlycov, Chesticov, Nasticov
Defenders: Slalomsky, Downhilsky
Midfielders: Risky, Swedishskev, Mastershev
Forwards: Fuckov, Taykitov

Substitutes: Rubitov, Gechakitov, Sodov, Pastryshev, Najinsky, Desert Orchid


ROMANIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Chatanoogaciouciou
Wing Backs: Atishiou, Blessiou, Thankyou
Defenders: Busqueue, Snookercu
Midfielders: Pennyciou, Twoapennyciou, Fourapennyciou
Forwards: I'llgetciou, Youandwhosarmi

Substitutes: U, NonU, ManU, Stuffyiou, Lee Kwan Yu


DANISH SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Toomanigoalssen
Defenders: Tryandstopussen, Crapdefenssen, Haveagossen
Midfielders: Firstsson, Secondsson, Thirdsson
Wingers: Legshurtssen, Notroubleseeingussen
Forwards: Wherestheballssen, Getthebeerssen

Substitutes: Howmanygoalsisthatssen, Finallygaveupcountinssen, Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen, YourelatedtoAlexFergusonssen


ITALIAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Baloni
Defenders: Potbelli, Beerbelli, Giveitsumwelli
Midfielders: Wotsontelli, Toonsgotkenni, Onetoomani
Wingers: Legslikejelli, Havabenni
Forwards: Wobblijelli, Spendapenni

Substitutes: Cantthinkofani, Buggermi


MEXICAN SQUAD

Goalkeeper: San Francisco
Defenders: Costa Brava, Hopelez, Juan Andonly, Manual Gearbox
Midfielders: Don Criformi-Argentina, Bodegas, Luis Canon, Sombrero
Forwards: Chihuahua, Jose

Substitutes: Jesus Maria Don Key, Burrito, Speedy Gonzalez, Tequila, Caramba


DUTCH SQUAD

Goalkeeper: Kenning Van Hire
Defenders: Van Diemansland, Van der Valk, Van Gard, Van Erealdizeez
Midfielders: Ad Van Tagus, Van Sprokendown, Aye van Hoe
Forwards: Van Coova, Hertz Van Rental, Transit Van Dors

Substitutes: Van Iller, Van Ishincreme, Van Morrison

Hilarious

[Lecale2]

Has Feckedifiknow been dropped by Romania?