Corny One for Friday

[screenmachine]

exactly deal me in. thank you...it is a sick joke but at the same time it still is a joke.

[Bensars]

what sort of sick **** are you?

you're a classy guy, poking fun at the dead.

Its a joke page....................  Wise up man.     We will have the PC police coming along shortly  with you as their chief constable !!

[ziggysego]

David Beckham has been asked to drive Alan Ball's hearse...They reckon he delivers the best dead ball in the world. eek, I immediately feel bad about this post..lol!

I wouldn't get too hot up about this joke. These come round anytime anyone in the media eye passes away. Don't know why everyone is singling screen out for this one.

That said, it was a terrible joke 

[Deal_Me_In]

Ziggy, Its only slim that was having a go at screen, the rest of us were telling slim to catch a grip of himself its only a joke.

[ziggysego]

Ziggy, Its only slim that was having a go at screen, the rest of us were telling slim to catch a grip of himself its only a joke.

Only Slim? Sorry, my apology.

[illdecide]

Tell you what that slimshady is the biggest f**king p***k on this board "f**king undisputed champion"

[SuperSub]

Tell you what that slimshady is the biggest f**king p***k on this board "f**king undisputed champion"

I don't know i reckon it's between Slim,Sureyouwill,TUG or Forkinknife anyone i left out?

[Orior]

Does anyone get this? It made me laugh when I heard it, but I'm not sure if I have captured the full story.

*****************************

Paddy is heading to see his neighbour Mick who he hasn't seen for a few months so to ask for the lend of a spade.

While on his way, Paddy remembers that he borrowed a grape of Mick last year, and never returned it and then starts to think that Mick might not lend him the spade.

But then Paddy remembered that the grape was useless and basically fell apart as soon as he put his foot on it. But even then Mick will probably blame Paddy for breaking the grape and not returning it.

By the time Paddy got to Mick's door, he was fuming.

When Mick opens the door Paddy says "You can stick you ruddy spade up your arse!" and then heads back home.

[Hardy]

In an almost similar vein (by Colm Sands) - I'm sure yiz all know it:

LOOKIN' THE LOAN OF A SPADE

Colum Sands / The Sands Family

Is that yourself - Indeed it is - Well you're a stranger here,
I don't know when I seen you last, it must be more than a year,
How are you doin' - I'm not so bad, and what about yourself -
/: No use complaining I suppose, as long as we've got the health. :/

Where are you now? - I'm still at home, it's the brother that went away,
My father he said that if one of us left, the other would have to stay,
Sure jobs are gettin' very scarce, the unemployment's a curse -
/: But still I suppose as the fella says, it's bad that couldn't be worse. :/

- Terrible weather altogether, it's never going to clear -
Do you know what I'm goin' to tell you though, it's not bad for the time of the year,
Sure a sup of rain never done very much harm, the grass could do with a drop,
/: I'd pass no remarks on a skift or two, as long as there's not a slap. :/

- A slap's the last thing that we need, for our wee meadow's in hay
Do you mind the trade we had last year comin' up thon bit of a brae -
The mountain's comin' very close, I don't like the look of the sky,
/: The forecast talked about a change, but you mightn't believe thon boys. :/

(spoken)I think I'll ask him now . . . I think I'll ask him . . .

- I suppose I'd better be headin' on, I've held you back enough,
I was clearin' up at the back of the house, the garden is very rough,
I broke the spade and it's awkward when you've only got a graip,
/: And unless I can get the loan of a spade, the garden will have to wait. :/

- Aye a spade's an awful missly thing, there's the sun again,
But it's only a pet, it will never keep up, I felt a spit of rain -
Would you be usin' your spade today - To tell you the truth I'm not,
/: For I lent it to you a year ago, and since then I never saw it. :/

[Candyman]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs".

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.

Click here to see the effects of this dangerous drug

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

[Orior]

On the same topic..............

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches woman sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Woman: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Woman: "No, they spread ."

[maddog]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
On it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
Said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
Said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said," I don't care what his name is pal?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,"You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
Name, its P something T something R

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue, and I couldn't
Put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on
And on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary  work?? I said "I
Wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
Said," You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the  custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
Paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre she said, "Are you having me
on?" I said," Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went" Bah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me
I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said"I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the ticket seller said "Euro star" I said
"Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."

[Orior]

I took my girlfriend into an Ann Summers shop the other day and splashed out on a pair of knickers, so I had to buy them.

[gallsman]

I took my girlfriend into an Ann Summers shop the other day and splashed out on a pair of knickers, so I had to buy them.

Brilliant!

[stew]

 I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello" I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out, in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a n asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon, I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that
Spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and add ed his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said "Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, sayi ng that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...