Corny One for Friday

[The Real Laoislad]

Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd is up on their feet
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shi*e eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag." Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum.

"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd is up on their feet again.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."
Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.
Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"

The crowd is up on their feet."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty
Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are
forgetting one thing . ........Away Gauls count double in Europe."

[Orior]

Apple Product Announcement
===================

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost $499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB.

This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[illdecide]

"Bless me Father, for I

have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, Johnny Byrne?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Brown?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Margaret Doyle?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Anne O' Neil?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Johnny, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

Four months holiday and five good leads."

[illdecide]

The Golf Lesson....*

Well, what should I do?", asked the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied,  "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW!  He hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.

The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.

The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said,  "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asked the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP !

The ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth, and hold it in your hands!"

[Fiodoir Ard Mhacha]

Another one for Ziggy and his sleepless nights

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when, during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that?"


The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".

Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.



In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman
screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness but he's with BUPA".

[illdecide]

How to Save the Airlines
Replace all female flight attendants with some good-lookin' strippers! What the heck . The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Nurse can't answer phone
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not
just an athlete....she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive
Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to
answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she
would answer the phone and say,

Picabo, ICU
The picture
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[Fiodoir Ard Mhacha]

No speakah de English

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

Eventually, the lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

A fiver says you're gonna read this again....

[Hedley Lamarr]

No speakah de English

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

Eventually, the lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

A fiver says you're gonna read this again....

Brilliant

[Fiodoir Ard Mhacha]

BLAMESTORMING

Heard one the other day - a D-mail - i.e. one you delete without even reading

[screenmachine]

David Beckham has been asked to drive Alan Ball's hearse...They reckon he delivers the best dead ball in the world. eek, I immediately feel bad about this post..lol!

[SlimShady]

what sort of sick **** are you?

[screenmachine]

dont shoot the messenger slim...p***k

[SlimShady]

you're a classy guy, poking fun at the dead.

[screenmachine]

if you cant take a joke slim why bother lookin into this thread??

[Deal_Me_In]

Slim these go around every time somebody famous died. Just look st the amount of jokes that were made when Princess Diana died, just don't take them seriously and you might just be able to laugh at them.