Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he
wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and
purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The
doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests
and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man
returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news
for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little
perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up,
Doc." The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're
going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror,
"Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies, "Well,
it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only
choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring
that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines
his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Thank God!" the man replies. "Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no
worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by self

[Billys Boots]

This seemed the most appropriate thread for this news: Andy Gray has written a book! About Football!

[illdecide]

Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore ?
A. A whore blows everybody at the party, and a bitch blows everybody
at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife ?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie ?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse ?
A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint ?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

[illdecide]

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So,
how is everything going?" inquired God. "It's all so beautiful" she
replied. "Everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's
these breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out
and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms." She went on to tell
Him that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her
limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts
might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I
gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half
of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And He reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the
Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" "Just
fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see,
all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God
thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's
see............where did I put that useless tit? Now doesn't THAT make
more sense than that stuff about the rib?

[Ball Hopper]

Let's spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman nodded and said "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary,"

to which Michael replied "That's a very competitive price" and handed over his money.

"Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?" enquired the barman.

[Orior]

I know it's a bit late for Iceland volcano jokes - but I was waiting for the dust to settle:


I came out my house yesterday and was hit on the head by a bag of frozen sausages, a chocolate gateau and some fish fingers. I realised it must be the fallout from Iceland.

I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are accusing them of harbouring a "weapon of ash eruption".

It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe.

Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it.

Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash.

Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone.

Richard Curtis is working on a new rom-com about people stuck in an airport who fall in love. The working title is "Lava Actually".

[illdecide]

I was driving down the motorway with the girlfriend the other day and she pipped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from another country." "Why is that?" i said. "Well the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit rouy su wohs"

[mikasas]

Fanny Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

[illdecide]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since
both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the
gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he
had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came
upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing
again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in
the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman
asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the
river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up
or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday,
every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought
the choices were f**k or drown !'

[illdecide]

After  having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband  went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to  have any more children.. 

The doctor  told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the  problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go  home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then  hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. 

The husband  said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the  world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to  my ear is going to help me with my problem."


"Trust me, it  will do the job", said the doctor. 

So the man  went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can  up to his ear and began to count: 

"1, 2, 3, 4,  5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his  legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This  procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania and W.A.

[Hardy]

Great. Negative Irish racial stereotyping "jokes" posted by Irish people on a GAA discussion board.

[Hedley Lamarr]

Great. Negative Irish racial stereotyping "jokes" posted by Irish people on a GAA discussion board.

Away and ball your own dung!!

[illdecide]

These wern't Irish Hardy

The Hotel Bill


Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I were travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.
After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk ''although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.'' Then the clerk told me that $350.00 was the 'standard rate'.
I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared, listened to me, and then explained that the hotel had an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.' But we didn't use them. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York ,Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' I said.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager was unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. 'But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.' he said.







'That's correct, because I've charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'


'But I didn't!' exclaimed the Manager.





'Well, too bad,  she was here, and you could have.

[illdecide]

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No
one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did
I wake you ? " 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now
won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM. 9. You can live without
sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about
pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into
the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't
get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally
beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your
friends because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of
brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can't remember
who sent you this list

[illdecide]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Hallowe'en Party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He
being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his
good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away
he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened
without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he
acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted
her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every
nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the
new stuff that had just arrived She let him go as far as he wished;
naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little
proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the
cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a
time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a
good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance
much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When
I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went
into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to
believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."