Corny One for Friday

[Orior]

Dear girls,

For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more!  The man fights back!  Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... long live the man of the new millennium. Listen up ladies; this is how it really is...

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us.  We refuse to answer. Just get your arse down to a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, just put the bloody thing down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us moaning about you leaving it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons men fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

4. Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... Again.

5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. Saturday = sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides, let it be.

7. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

8. Anything you wear is fine. Really!!!

9. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

10. Face it; peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?

12. 'Yes', 'no' and 'mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Your mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.

16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!

19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.

20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.

21. If something we said could be intended two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

22. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?

23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.

24. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.

25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "no, couldn't / shouldn't / don't want any" and then eat half of mine.

26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.

27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well

28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, good wine and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category "garnish".

29. Do not question our sense of direction. If you can learn this, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

30. Crying is emotional blackmail.

31. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

32. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

33. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

34. All men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

35. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. It's genetic.

36. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

37. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

38. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

39. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as computers, football, fluff in your navel, Zen and the art of picking your nose, the 4-4-2 formation or the benefits of drinking real ale.

40. You have enough clothes, and too many shoes. Yes, you did hear right. Too many shoes!!

41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

The ball's in your court.

Sincerely,
The Lads

[illdecide]

Got that one b4 Orior...but i like it a lot

[Orior]

This one has been around before as well, but worth a repeat...


Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if ah'm no bein too forward, ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."

[Orior]

HUMOUR FOR LEXOPHILES (Lovers of Words - in case you forgot).


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The geology professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[Orior]

I'm just back from hospital after having a large mole removed from my penis 








I wont be shagging one of those again!

[Denn Forever]

I'm just back from hospital after having a large mole removed from my penis 

Did they have to dig deep?

[illdecide]

An older couple at an art exhibition, were staring at a painting that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

They asked the curator of the gallery for an interpretation.

He explained how it represented the sexual emasculation of African-Canadians in predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he said, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a man with a noticeable maritime accent approached the couple and said, "Would yous' like to know what the painting is really all about?"

"How and why," asked the couple, "could you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of this gallery?"

"Because I'm the guy who painted it." he replied.

"In fact, there are no African-Americans shown in the painting at all.

They're just three Cape Breton coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[illdecide]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or
pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago,"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information
that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Scottish
descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the
absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn''t really be discussing all this with you. I don''t
even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto McTavish, but my friends call me Bubba."

[illdecide]

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

[illdecide]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

[illdecide]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, one
night he's doing a show in a small town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her
chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth

as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from

being respected at work and in the community, and

from reaching our full potential as a person. Because

you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination

against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in

the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,

and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister!

I'm talking to that little sh!t on your knee."

[illdecide]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this
really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited
she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.


After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.*The
boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.


"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot
of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."


So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK.*He drinks the shot of
Baileys...smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks...this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits.
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.


This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.


When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
"Jesus, what do you call that drink?"


She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

[Orior]

Yes, those are all corny ones for Friday.

[illdecide]

    My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping
channels..
    She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'
    And then the fight started...
    ******************************************
    My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
     while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No," she answered.
    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And then the fight started......
    ******************************************
    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible,"
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
    And that's how the fight started...
    ******************************************
    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He
stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!"
    So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are
you?"
    And then the fight started.....
    *****************************************
    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds.'
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And then the fight started ...
    ******************************************
    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
some place expensive...
    so, I took her to a Gas station.
    And then the fight started...
    ******************************************
    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I
had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but
I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your
chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security
application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.
    She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too."
    And then the fight started....
    ******************************************
    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason took my order first.
    "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
    Nah, she can order for herself."
    And then the fight started...
    ******************************************
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.
    My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
    I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
    And then the fight started...

[illdecide]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence" the farmer says "This is a special day for me I am celebrating"

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says the farmer? As they clinked glasses the man asked "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence "says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs "

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different c**k," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence