Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.

Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.

He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Posh. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh. The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."

[illdecide]

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm "Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the f *ckers have managed to nick a motorbike already."

[Orior]

Hey, where did my joke go about the girl picking strawberries? Was it removed or did I not post it right?

[illdecide]

Hey, where did my joke go about the girl picking strawberries? Was it removed or did I not post it right?

guess

[Hardy]

Hey, where did my joke go about the girl picking strawberries? Was it removed or did I not post it right?

Maybe it was berried.

[brokencrossbar1]

Hey, where did my joke go about the girl picking strawberries? Was it removed or did I not post it right?

Maybe it was berried.

Have we a return to a former self Hardy?

[Hardy]

I didn't know I'd been away!

[Orior]

Love Poem Generator LOVEMAKER V3.1

Welcome to the LoveMaker.  (v3.1 Erosoft Industries, (C) 1993)

At the prompt, please enter your response.

I am the LOVEMAKER. A personalized, interactive poetry assistance program.  What is your name?

>JOHN

What a nice name, JOHN.  You must be a man.

>YES

How nice for you.  Who is your poem for, JOHN?

>SHEILA

How nice for SHEILA.  She must be a woman?

>YES
 
SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN.  Is she?

>YES

What is the occasion, JOHN?

>VALENTINE'S DAY
 
SHEILA is a very lucky woman.  I will need information about SHEILA for a poem that best reflects your deep feelings for her, JOHN.  What colour are her eyes?

>BLUE

Thank you, JOHN.  But could you be more specific?  Are they blue like the sky after a clearing storm?  Are they the icy blue of the far flung fjords, shrouded in mist and mystery?  Are they the steely blue of Walter Gropius's later Bauhaus sketchbooks?  Are they a cornflower blue that speaks of Sunday picnics in simpler times?

>THEY LOOK KIND OF GRAY WHEN SHE'S ANGRY

Thank you, JOHN.  What about SHEILA'S hair?

>BLONDE
 
Thank you, JOHN.  But could you be more specific?  Is it ash blond with some auburn like the silky tresses of Rapunzel?  When the sun hits it in a certain way in the late afternoon does it look like spun gold?  Is it the hard, cheap blond of the streetwise trollop or the dazzling, brilliant satin of Renaissance cherubim?

>I THINK SHE DYES IT
 
Thank you, JOHN.  Are there any other characteristics we should mention in our poem to SHEILA?

 


JOHN, are you still there?

>SKIN

Thank you, JOHN.  But could you be more specific?  Is it fine and alabaster and tightly grained like antique porcelain, slow-fired by master craftsmen?  Or is it pink and lustrous like the hand-burnished silver one's Grandmother might be found polishing with gentle, loving strokes on a rainy Sunday afternoon?

>SHE TANS TWICE A WEEK

SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN.  You must have deep feelings for SHEILA to write her a special VALENTINE'S DAY poem.

>YES
 
How nice for you, JOHN.  What kind of poem do you think SHEILA would like?

>?

My MENU offers the following styles.  At the prompt, please choose ONE:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Couplet | Triplet | Quatrain | Eclogue | Pastoral |  Sonnet  |  Elegy
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Epic      | Ballad  |  Lyric      |   Ode   |  Idyll      |  Haiku     |   ? ? ?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>?
 
That's O.K., JOHN.  How do you see yourself?  Please choose ONE:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Laureate   |   Bard     |  Sonneteer   |  Troubadour  | Meistersinger
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jongleur   |  Versifier  |  Rhapsodist   |   Lyricist        |    Other
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>OTHER

Can you be more specific?

>I GUESS...

Perhaps if you briefly shared your innermost dreams and desires, JOHN?

>
>
>
>

JOHN?

>I'M THINKING
 
May I make a suggestion, JOHN?

>SURE

Perhaps you imagine yourself a hopeless romantic, JOHN.  A man who lives and loves with passion and desire and appetite.  A man who grabs great platters from the groaning board of this world and eats his fill. A man who takes what he wants the moment he sees it and makes it his own.  A man who kneads fate in his strong hands, shapes it and commands it.  A man ith a reckless bent and the courage of fire.  A man who sees beauty in a raindrop and all the truth of the universe in the eyes of a child. A man with needs and wants aflame within him.  A man of power and means of influence, JOHN.  A man destined to be the envy of other men.  A man whom few can ever understand and fewer still will have the guts to love. A man of whom it might be said...

     Would that Alexander in his age
     had but half the measure
     of his strong stout heart
     or clear hawk's eyes undimmed and true,
     pooled with azure purpose.
     No earthbound mortal he,
     but master o'er each and all...

Would this describe your self-image accurately, JOHN?

>YES
 
I thought so.  I'll use my random SEARCH MODE to choose an appropriate style for you, JOHN.  One that truly expresses your deep feelings for SHEILA on VALENTINE'S DAY.  Please wait.  To print poem, please enter command Alt+P at prompt.

>Alt+P
 
 

        Dear SHEILA,

        Roses are red
        Violets are blue
        Your hair is blonde
        and your eyes are gray (when angry)

                        JOHN

 
Thank you for using LOVEMAKER v3.1 from EROSOFT

[illdecide]

Orior...what a guy

[Celt_Man]

Definition of a GAA nancy boy/poser...

1. White Boots
2. More 'Skins' on show than actual skin!
3. Wearing a hair-band
4. Try to flick up the ball instead of just bending their fecking back
5. Have one ear pierced
6. Even worse, have both ears pierced
7. Make a 'aaaaaaaahhhh' nice (like a women tennis player) after taking a good manly hit
8. Try to kick every pass off the outside of their boot. Feck sake boys, will ya use the laces
9. Wear standard socks over their football socks. Who the feck thought that was cool?
10. Can't play because they have a sprained finger..(sure have you not got nine others?)
11.Sleeves taped. If you were actually hard you would't need tape to show off your guns!
12. Bollixes that celebrate every point as if they just wont the All-Ireland
13. They go down holding their face...If your hurt that much, hit him back
14. Lift up their jersey to reveal a written message on a white T- Shirt. (if you do that, you are a bellend)
15. If you try to use your reputation as a footballer to chat up women in Copper's. f**k sake, come up with some real charm!
16. Wear A+F hoodies to games even though they got given a free tracksuit
17. Drink bottles instead of pints!
18. Spend more time talking about top-scorer awards, and how many scores they got even though the team lost
19. Will score 1-10 in 20 minutes when your on top but when the pressure is on and your down by two points, they are not to be seen
20. Have hair-gel in their bag for after training...Gay!
21. Shout, "Did you see that umpire" - obviously he didn't he's 80 and from the other team.Toughen up

[haranguerer]

Celt, are you using Oriors joke generating machine?

[Celt_Man]

Celt, are you using Oriors joke generating machine?

Na not so much as a joke but more like a true look at things... Most boys will be able to relate to those things with a few GAA spice boys...  Maybe not the best thread for it but sure where else? Not gonna start a new one

[JUst retired]

A leading feminest was in Yemen last year and was outraged to find that women had to walk five paces behind their husbands.

She was over again last week and found men now had to walk five paces behind their wives.

What changed she asked?

Landmines she was told.

[illdecide]

> BIRTHDAY REMINDER
>
>
>
> This week we celebrate a special birthday.
>
>
> Monica Lewinsky turns 44.
>
> Can you believe it?
>
>
> It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.
>
>
>
> They grow up so fast, don't they?

[illdecide]

   > The Dark
   > Side Of Women!
   >
   >
   > A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day
   > finding the most perfect
   > shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
   > the second. In the
   > third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent
   > when her mobile phone
   > rang.
   >
   >
   >
   > It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had
   > just been in a
   > terrible car accident and was in critical condition and
   > in the ICU.
   >
   >
   >
   > The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she
   > was and that she'd
   > be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised
   > she was leaving
   > what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the
   > boutiques. She
   > decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading
   > to the hospital.
   >
   >
   >
   >
   > She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing
   > her trip with a cup
   > of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice,
   > compliments of the last shop.
   > She was jubilant.
   >
   >
   >
   > Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty,
   > she dashed to the hospital.
   >
   >
   >
   > She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
   > husband's condition.
   > The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You
   > went ahead and finished
   > your shopping trip didn't you! I hope
   > you're proud of yourself!
   > While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
   > yourself in town,
   > your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care
   > Unit! It's
   > just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will
   > more than likely be
   > the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest
   > of his life he will
   > require round-the-clock care. And he will now be
   > your career!'
   >
   >
   >
   > The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and
   > sobbed.
   > Scroll down
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   >
   > The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just
   > pulling your leg. He's
   > dead. Show me what you bought.'