Corny One for Friday

[Celt_Man]

A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery And offers him the job.

"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.

"Well", says the foreman, "You have to check 1 in a hundred", And proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the Production line, stretches it, holds it up to the Lights, Then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the Prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside

The Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).

He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check

For holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.

Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously Masturbate him.

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary Who says...?


"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"

Brilliant!! 

[illdecide]

In case you didn't know...

Women are Angels




And when someone breaks our wings....
we simple continue to fly....

on a broomstick....



After all we are flexible....

[illdecide]

An elderley` man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.



A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"



The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"



She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.



The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.



He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,?Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.



"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.



The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the ?250 membership fee."



"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."



The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

[illdecide]

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

[illdecide]

A ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small outback village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie

"Hey, mind if I talk to your dog? "

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, stupid "

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate? "

Dog: "Doin' all right. "

Aussi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner? " (pointing at the
villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you? "

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play. "

Aussi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse? "

Aussi: "Uh, the horse don't talk either. . . . I think. "

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going? "

Horse: "Cool"

Aussi: (absolutely dumbfounded, "as most Ozzys look)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner? " (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Aussi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep? "

Aussi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar. "

[illdecide]

Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President of the USA.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt in the rain.

You can wear NO shirt in the rain.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too filthy.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress ?5000. Tuxedo rental ?75.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is ?3.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have bra strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

AND

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

[Harold Disgracey]

http://uncyclopedia.wiki.com/wiki/Lurgan

[illdecide]

http://uncyclopedia.wiki.com/wiki/Lurgan

Very good Harold , even mentions Cafolla's ice-cream (although they couldn't spell it right)

[illdecide]

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad
is reading the paper.



"Where does poo come from?" she asks.



The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is
already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well
you know we just ate breakfast?"



"Yes," answers the girl.



"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the
good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms
when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."



The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence
for a few seconds and asks:



"And Tigger?"

[illdecide]

For Mr FOX

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you ? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


19. You can't remember who sent you this list

[longrunsthefox]

For Mr FOX

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you ? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


19. You can't remember who sent you this list

You seem to have a bit of a fixation with me... send a PM and maybe we can meet... just as friends tho
I ain't over 50 but try pasting an over 40 thread and you'll be near enough. See you soon.... 

[illdecide]

Mr Fox...wind you're neck in pal

[longrunsthefox]

Mr Fox...wind you're neck in pal

Do you like older men, Saan? 

[illdecide]

Mr Fox...wind you're neck in pal

Do you like older men, Saan? 

nope...don't even like my Da

[longrunsthefox]

Mr Fox...wind you're neck in pal

Do you like older men, Saan? 

nope...don't even like my Da

Penalty kick that one