Corny One for Friday

[Zapatista]

there are two parrots standing on a perch> One turns to the other ans says "can you smell fish?"

Loved that joke

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'does this taste funny to you?'

[illdecide]

Not one of my best wans but still better than the manure posted here recently



AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown  Savannah   night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.  E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of                                   what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
  ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

[Billys Boots]

Not one of my best wans but still better than the manure posted here recently.

Do you actually have good wans?

[illdecide]

Not one of my best wans but still better than the manure posted here recently.

Do you actually have good wans?

The odd one billy saan

[illdecide]

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

       In  Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days...  The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

       The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to  the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

       The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..".

       The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

       The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

       The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'  Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned." You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

[Billys Boots]

Not one of my best wans but still better than the manure posted here recently.

Do you actually have good wans?

The odd one billy saan

Really?

[ziggysego]

The old ones are the best (and better that illdecide's old ones too)

Phone answering machine message
>
>           "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for
>           shorts.
>           The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
>           couldn't find any.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
>           he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
>           And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
>           strong currant.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
>           shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
>           The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
>           the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
>           your kayak and heat it too.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
>           covered with hundreds and thousands.
>           Police say that he topped himself.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
>           Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>            "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
>            "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
>            "Is it common? "
>            "It's not unusual."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
>           "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
>            "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>           So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
>           teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
>           "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
>           "No, because he's really heavy"
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           Guy goes into the doctor's.
>           "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
>           "How's that?"
>           "Don't you start."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           What do you call a fish with no eyes?
>           A fsh.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
>           people in my family, so there must be one of them. It's could be
> my
>           mum or my dad. It could be my older brother Colin or my younger
>           brother Ho-Chi-Chung. I'm not sure, but I think it might be
> Deane...
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>           So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
>           you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's
>           your oyster, go for it.'
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>           >
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>           Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
>           acid, the other was eating fireworks.
>           They charged one and let the other one off.
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>           "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
>           today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
>           It said, 'Parking Fine.'........So that was nice."
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>           A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm inseveral places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a mall two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.........

[illdecide]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

   Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


   It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


   Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, 'the restauran's owner hired Anderson Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. 

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


   As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed..


   I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.


   Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'


   'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom .


   By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.


   I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


   'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[illdecide]

S'no joke...


A few weeks ago a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio
during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to
10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side
of the street, so the Snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.  You must park...."
Then the electric power went out.  The good wife was very upset, and with a
worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.  Which side of
the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,  "Why don't you just leave
the bloody car in the garage this time."

[Orior]

Man arrives into work with bandages over both ears.

Boss asks what happened.

Man says that he was ironing when the phone rang, and he burnt his left ear trying to answer it.

"But what about the other ear" asks the boss.

The man replies "Well I tried to phone the doctor"

[illdecide]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just
walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a
gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchase home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to  1603
Mockingbird Lane ?"


The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."



The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket..
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"


"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be
there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your
way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[illdecide]

JUST  WAIT....CLEVER!!!



HEMA is a Dutch department store.
The first store opened on November 4 1926, in Amsterdam .
Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands .

Take a look at HEMA's product page.
You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.

Don't click on any of the items in the picture, just wait and see what happens.

This company has a sense of humour and a great computer programmer.




Click here <http://producten.hema.nl/>

[illdecide]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
> [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
>
>
> Try this out:
>
> On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy
> and go to the thermometer section and
> purchase a rectal thermometer made
> by Johnson & Johnson.
>
> Be very sure you get this brand.
> When you get home, lock your doors,
> draw the curtains and disconnect the phone
> so you will not be disturbed.
>
> Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
> Open the package and remove the thermometer.
> Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
>
> Now the fun part begins.
>
> Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
> You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
>
>
>
> "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
>
> Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at
> Johnson & Johnson.'
>
> HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

[illdecide]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Flemington races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 3rd.

[illdecide]

A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery And offers him the job.

"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.

"Well", says the foreman, "You have to check 1 in a hundred", And proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the Production line, stretches it, holds it up to the Lights, Then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the Prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside

The Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).

He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check

For holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.

Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously Masturbate him.

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary Who says...?


"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"