Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

Ya must be...what a guy

[omagh_gael]

Why are Monaghan and a pregnant cow alike?

They're both near Cavan

I'm off...

[Orior]

Ah here!

Why does a mouse when he spins?

'Cos the more he goes round the much.

Q. What's the difference between a duck?

A. One of the legs is both the same.

[longrunsthefox]

Ah here!

Why does a mouse when he spins?

'Cos the more he goes round the much.

Q. What's the difference between a duck?

A. One of the legs is both the same.

Jees! my old man used to tell us that one.... and

If it takes a man and a half a day and  a half to dig a hole and  a half,
how many apples are in a barrel of grapes?

 

[Hardy]

Q. Where is a pig between it?

A. Because the bigger the seldom.

[Celt_Man]

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concern s, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

[Celt_Man]

IRISH TRAIN

Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two
years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am
tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I  think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years
ago.
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in  your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, Iarnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the  ones
who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and
the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on
his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your
train in the last two years!
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.

[Celt_Man]

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged €5.99 for the first ten words and €1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE BISCUIT:

8. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.

When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.

[Celt_Man]

>These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
>things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
>published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
>these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
>- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
>_______________ _______________________
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>
>_____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
>WITNESS: We both do.
>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>WITNESS: We do.
>ATTORNEY: You do?
>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>
>____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>
>______________ __________________________
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney?
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>(Long pause...)
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>AT TORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>WITNESS: Guess.
>
>_____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
>WITNESS: Oral.
>
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
>
>____________________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS: Huh...are you qualified to ask that question?
>
>______________________________________
>And the best for last:
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Celt_Man]

When I got back from Michigan last month I had a bunch of Canadian
dollars I  needed to exchange, so I went to the currency Exchange Window
at the  local  bank.
There was a short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who
was  trying  to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the  teller, "Why it change?
Yestoday, I get two huna dolla of Yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it
change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[Celt_Man]

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on
>>> >crutches,with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.Matthew Kelly
>>> >introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,'
>>> >says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?
>>> >
>>> >'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle
>>> >when we had a really bad accident.Unfortunately my uncle was killed
>>> >outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before
>>> >I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours
>>>
>>> >but they couldn't save my legs.'
>>> >
>>> >'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they
>>> >artificial?'asks Matthew.'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the
>>> >doctors informed me that my Uncle had in fact died, but that his legs
>>> >were fine and with all the Advances in medical science, they could
>>> >graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the
>>> >operation was successful
>>> >
>>> >I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking
>>> >fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts
>>> >from the audience
>>> >
>>> >Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are
>>>
>>> >you going to be?'
>>> >
>>> >Scroll down...
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >Keep going this is great....
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >It's worth it honest.....
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'
>>

[illdecide]

TEQUILA, PIT BULL, AND OLD LADY...
________________________________________




 
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on  the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10  bills.  He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in  it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money  in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you  get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new  Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,  "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first,"  says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over  a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the  jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to  do: 
First -  You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,  and you can't make a face while doing it."


"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad  tooth.  You have to remove that tooth with your bare  hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never  had sex.  You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned!  "I know I paid my $10  -- but I'm not an idiot!  I won't do it!  You'd have to be  nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other  things!"
"Your call," says the  bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the  man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn  tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with  both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears  stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in  58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit  bull chained to a pole.  Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud  growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he  staggers back into the bar.  His clothes are ripped to shreds and  he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.   He  drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad  tooth?"

[gallsman]

When I got back from Michigan last month I had a bunch of Canadian
dollars I  needed to exchange, so I went to the currency Exchange Window
at the  local  bank.
There was a short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who
was  trying  to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the  teller, "Why it change?
Yestoday, I get two huna dolla of Yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it
change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Why were using Candadian dollars in Michigan?

[Celt_Man]

When I got back from Michigan last month I had a bunch of Canadian
dollars I  needed to exchange, so I went to the currency Exchange Window
at the  local  bank.
There was a short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who
was  trying  to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the  teller, "Why it change?
Yestoday, I get two huna dolla of Yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it
change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Why were using Candadian dollars in Michigan?

Because he made a short trip over the border and has some change left.... 

[The Blegard]

Ah here!

Why does a mouse when he spins?

'Cos the more he goes round the much.

Q. What's the difference between a duck?

A. One of the legs is both the same.

Jees! my old man used to tell us that one.... and

If it takes a man and a half a day and  a half to dig a hole and  a half,
how many apples are in a barrel of grapes?

there are two parrots standing on a perch> One turns to the other ans says "can you smell fish?"