Corny One for Friday

[Harold Disgracey]

I was in the pub the other day when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart.  The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[Harold Disgracey]

The female demerit system...

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.  Do something she likes and you get points.  Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed (+1)
* You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
* You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)  In the rain (+8)
* But return with Beer (-5)
* You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
* You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
* It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
* You stay by her side the entire party (0)
* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
* Named Tina (-10)
* Tina is a dancer (-20)
* Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
* You take her out to dinner (+2)
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
*  Okay,  it's a sports bar (-2)
* And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
* You take her to a movie (+1)
* You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
* You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
* You take her to a movie you like (-2)
* It's  called 'Death Cop' (-3)
* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

 YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
* You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
* You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
 
THE BIG QUESTION
* She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)  (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
* You hesitate in responding (-10)
* You reply, "Where?" (-35)
* Any other response (-20)
 
 COMMUNICATION
 * When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
 * You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
 * You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

[Orior]

Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff? Tequila.

What do Mexicans put underneath their carpets?

UNDERLAY! UNDERLAY!

[Hardy]

What's green and has wheels?

Grass



(I lied about the wheels)

[Billys Boots]

Ah here!

Why does a mouse when he spins?

'Cos the more he goes round the much.

[Geoff Tipps]

Ah here!

Why does a mouse when he spins?

'Cos the more he goes round the much.

Sorry don't get it. Did you leave something out, like words or the punchline bit??

[Billys Boots]

There's nothing to get - I was told ity years ago by a Langer, who I believe believed he was making some sort of point.  Try it again with a Cork accent to get the full impact! 

[illdecide]

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.

A tourist complimented the local fishermen
on the quality of their fish and asked
how long it took him to catch them.



"Not very long." they answered in unison.

"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"

The fishermen explained that their small catches were
sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.


"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"


"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children,
and take siestas with our wives.
In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs.


We have a full life."

The tourist interrupted,


"I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."


"And after that?"

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring,
you can buy a second one and a third one
and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants
and maybe even open your own plant.


You can then leave this little village and move to   Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even   New York City !

[ 

From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?"   

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.   

"And after that?"   

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"     

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.

 



"After that you'll be able to retire,
live in a tiny village near the coast,
sleep late, play with your children,
catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife
and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."   

"With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans.

And the moral of this story is:



Know where you're going in life....   
you may already be there 

[illdecide]

Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells hi m that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5 ,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[illdecide]

A group of 40-year-old buddies gather to discuss where they should all meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the "Flanagan's Bistro" restaurant because the all waitress's there have low revealing tops and great breasts.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the "Flanagan's Bistro"   because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they have a lengthy discussion about where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the "Flanagan's Bistro" because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. 
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the "Flanagan's Bistro" because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. 
After mulling it over, somebody suggests that they should meet at the "Flanagan's Bistro" restaurant and everybody agrees it would be a great idea because they've never been there before.

[illdecide]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes..

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

[Geoff Tipps]

There's nothing to get - I was told ity years ago by a Langer, who I believe believed he was making some sort of point.  Try it again with a Cork accent to get the full impact! 

I've tried it with a Cork, Scottish, Australian and Geordie accent and it's not having any impact. My mistake, i thought this was a jokes thread!

[full back]

Ah here!

Why does a mouse when he spins?

'Cos the more he goes round the much.

Is the 'joke' that there are words missing?

[illdecide]

BB it's pure keek saan...

It's like the joke you get the other person to start...you tell them to say "Knock knock" and then you say "who's there" and then 95% of the time there's silence because you've caught them on the hop and they don't know what to say

[Billys Boots]

BB it's pure keek saan...

It's like the joke you get the other person to start...you tell them to say "Knock knock" and then you say "who's there" and then 95% of the time there's silence because you've caught them on the hop and they don't know what to say

Well if you don't like it I know I must be doing something right.