Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

Two Celtic fans in pub playing darts. 1st dart thrown treble 20, 2nd dart single 20, 3rd dart hits the wire, bounces out and sticks in a Rangers fans skull killing him instantly. A Celtic fan sitting nearby starts to laugh hysterically.

Whats funny about that asks another man? Well, he says, thats the best score you can get in darts, 1 hun dead and 80

[illdecide]

I lost in a pub quiz by 1 point. The question was "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"...Apparently it's Africa!

[Orior]

I lost in a pub quiz by 1 point. The question was "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"...Apparently it's Africa!

lol

[Billys Boots]

Brian Cowen meets with the Queen of England and asks her, how come she has such an efficient Parliament?

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Cowen frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button. "Please send Gordon Brown in here, would you?"

Brown walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Gordon. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Brown answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.



Cowen returns to Dublin and asks Martin Cullen, the same question.
"Martin. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cullen "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the toilet and recognises William O Dea's shoes in the next cubicle.

Cullen asks, "William! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Minister O Dea yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cullen smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Cowen.

"Howya, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's former Minister O' Dea."

Cowen gets up, stomps over to Cullen, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Gordon Brown!"

[ziggysego]

The Queen of England visits a scottish army hospital and visits ward A. Inside is a Scots Soldier lying on his front with a cage and a blanket over his Bum. The Queen turns to him and says
"And What are you in for???"
"Ma'am I've Got a terrible bout of Dysentry"
"Gosh"replies the Queen"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and Dettol three times a day"he says
" And Do You Have any ambition left in life?" She Asks
"Yes Ma'am To Beat this terrible affliction and get back to serve for my Queen and Country"he replies
"That's Mighty Brave Of You "she says and pins a medal of honour on his Bum

So Then SHe Moves Onto the second Patient Of Th Three And Asks:-
"And What are you in for???"
"Ma'am Iv'e Got a terrible strain of genital Herpes"
"Gosh"replies the Queen"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and Dettol three times a day" he says
" And Do You Have any ambition left in life?" She Asks
"Yes Ma'am To Beat this terrible affliction and get back to serve for my Queen and Country"he replies
"That's Mighty Brave Of You "she says and pins a medal of honour on his Chest
She Moves Onto the Last Patient and asks
"What are you in for???"
The soldier replies in a croaky voice
"tonsilitis"
"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and dettol three times a day ma'am "comes the croaky reply"
"Ohhhh Is'nt that awfully painful"She Asks
"Whatever it takes to beat this affliction and get back to serving My Queen And Country"He Says Proudly
"And Do You Have any ambition left in life"she asks
"yes" The Man Replies "To get the Wire brush and dettol before those two dirty Ba***rds!!!"

[ziggysego]

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Kerry farmer.

"So, Kerry farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Kerry farmer. Then he meets a Mayo Farmer.

"So, Mayo farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Kerry too." And he leaves the Mayo farmer.

Then he meets a farmer from Derry.
"So, Derry farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer? "And miss out on all the kissing?"

[5 Sams]

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?

"Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."

[ziggysego]

Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff? Tequila.

[gerrykeegan]

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?

"Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."

5 Sams . I think you'll find your a day late!

[5 Sams]

I was thinking that Gerry but I couldnt be arsed trawling through to see if it was posted...still mildly amusing though.

[gerrykeegan]

Wayne Rooney told  Colleen that John Terry had shagged every England players wife apart from one. Colleen said yeah, I bet its Posh Spice, the stuck up cow!

[Hardy]

Two history professors in a nudist colony:

Prof. 1 - "Have you read Marx?"
Prof. 2 - "Yes -  I think it's these wicker chairs".

[DrinkingHarp]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that
the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?', asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

[el_cuervo_fc]

Jeremy Beadle had a small dick. On the other hand it was quite big.

[illdecide]

The old ones are the best...

How many men does it take to open a beer? 
None. It should be opened when she brings it. 
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? 
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men? 
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? 
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
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How do you fix a woman's watch? 
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. 
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.