Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,   
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And my favorite:


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

[illdecide]

Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin Mortuary.  Mysteriously,  all of them have big smiles on their faces.

After performing autopsies, the Coroner calls in the police to inform  them of what has happened to each person.

First body: Pierre Dubois a Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure  while making love to his 20-year old mistress. 'Hence the enormous  smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

Second body: Hamish Campbell a Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on  the  lottery, spent it all on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning,  Hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked. 'And what about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the Coroner.  'The Third body: is the most unusual case. 
  Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why on earth was he smiling then?'  Inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken!'  replied the Coroner.

[winsamsoon]

classic saan

[Onion Bag]

TWO PRAWNS

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;

I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,

he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Kristian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',

came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,

and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

.

.


.

'I've found Cod. I'm a

Prawn again Kristian'

[illdecide]

 
Three men married wives from different countries.
The first man married a woman from  China . 
He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from  Italy . 
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.  By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man married a girl from Glasgow.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. 
The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[illdecide]

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a
real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is
being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red
light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the
officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right
corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the
'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when
presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it
stands for.


The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
an arsehole!"


Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving
record he is about to lose his licence and has hired a lawyer to represent
him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red
light... Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this
a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"


Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."


Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"


"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."


"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"


"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."


"Aggressive and hostile?"


"Yes, Sir?



"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arsehole?"


"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"

[illdecide]

Two medical students were walking between classes when they saw an old man on the sidewalk ahead of them walking strangely. He was walking slowly and stiff-legged and his legs were spread further apart than normal. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.  Would you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was Wind -- but I was wrong, too!"

[illdecide]

======================   
Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer:   A white one...
===============
Customer:   Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:  That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:  No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:   Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start'  for me and...
Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
=============== 
Customer:  I have problems printing in red...
Tech support:  Do you have a colour printer?
Customer:  Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============
Customer:   My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:!   OK
Tech support:  Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support:   Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer:  can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five stars.
===============
Tech support:   What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer:   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support:  How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? ===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.  The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer:  I don't have a P.
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:  What do you mean?
Tech support:  'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

[Celt_Man]

Excellent stuff illdecide....  Just what a man needed to avoid going nuts in the library

[illdecide]

Not really a joke but interesting reading


SCHOOL -- 1958
> > vs. 2008
> >
> > Scenario :
> > Jack
> > goes rabbit shooting before school,
> > pulls
> > into school parking lot with rifle in gun
> > rack.
> >
> > 1958 - Vice Principal
> > comes over, looks at Jack's rifle,  goes to his car
> > and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about
> > guns.
> >
> > 2008 - School goes into
> > lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to
> > jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors
> > called in for traumatized students and teachers.
> >
> > Scenario:
> > Johnny
> > and Mark get into a fistfight after
> > school.
> >
> > 1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark
> > wins.   Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
> > buddies.
> >
> > 2008 - Police called and
> > arrest Johnny and Mark.   Charge them with
> > assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both
> > children go to anger management programs for 3
> > months. School board hold meeting to implement bullying
> > prevention programs
> > 
> > Scenario:
> > Robbie
> > won't sit still in class, disrupts other
> > students.
> >
> > 1958 - Robbie sent to office and
> > given 6 of the best by the Principal.  Returns to
> > class, sits still and does not disrupt class
> > again.
> >
> > 2008 - Robbie given huge
> > doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD.
> > Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and
> > School gets extra funding from state because
> > Robbie has a disability.
> >
> >  Scenario :
> > Billy
> > breaks a window in his neighbour's
> > car
> > and
> > his Dad gives him a whipping with his
> > belt.
> >
> > 1958 - Billy is more
> > careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,
> > and becomes a successful businessman.
> >
> > 2008 - Billy's dad is
> > arrested for child abuse. Billy
> > removed to foster care and joins a gang. State
> > psychologist tells Billy's sister that she
> > remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to
> > prison.
> >           
> > Scenario :
> > Mark
> > gets a headache and takes some aspirin to
> > school.
> >
> > 1958 - Mark gets glass of
> > water from Principal to take aspirin
> > with.
> >
> > 2008 - Police called, Mark
> > expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for
> > drugs and weapons. 
> >
> > Scenario :
> > Pedro
> > fails high school English.
> >
> > 1958 - Pedro goes to
> > summer school, passes English and goes to
> > college.
> >
> > 2008 - Pedro's cause
> > is taken up by state.  Newspaper articles appear
> > nationally explaining that teaching English as a
> > requirement for graduation is racist.    AFRE
> > files class action lawsuit against state school
> > system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned
> > from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but
> > ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot
> > speak English. 
> >
> > Scenario :
> > Johnny
> > takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of
> > July,
> > puts
> > them in a model airplane paint
> > bottle
> > and
> > blows up a bullant nest.
> >
> > 1958 - Ants
> > die.
> >
> > 2008- Star Force, Federal
> > Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.   
> > Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate
> > parents, siblings removed from home, computers
> > confiscated.   Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch
> > list and is never allowed to fly
> > again.
> >
> > Scenario :
> > Johnny
> > falls while running during recess and scrapes his
> > knee.
> > He
> > is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to
> > comfort him.
> >
> > 1958 - In a short time,
> > Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
> >
> > 2008 - Mary is accused of
> > being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3
> > years in Prison. 
> > Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[Celt_Man]

That last one cuts pretty close to the truth...

Apparently teachers in my old national school have to walk kids down to the school gate to meet their parents now after school is finished.... health and safety shit strikes again...

Once the bell rang at 3 when I was there, it was a scramble by kids and teachers alike to get out the door and nobody died from it either!!

[Billys Boots]

The seven dwarfs go to the
    Vatican , and because they are
    the seven dwarfs, they are
    immediately ushered in to see
    the Pope.


    Grumpy leads the pack.


    'Grumpy, my son,' says the
    Pope, 'What can I do for you?'


    Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your
    Excellency, but are there any
    dwarf nuns in  Rome?'


    The Pope wrinkles his brow at
    the odd question, thinks for a
    moment and answers, 'No,
    Grumpy, there are no dwarf
    nuns in Rome .'


    In the background, a few of the
    dwarfs start giggling.


    Grumpy turns around and
    glares, silencing them.


    Grumpy turns back, 'Your
    Worship, are there any dwarf
    nuns in all of Europe ?'


    The Pope, puzzled now, again
    thinks for a moment and then
    answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are
    no dwarf nuns in Europe .


    'This time, all of the other dwarfs
    burst into laughter.


    Once again, Grumpy turns
    around and silences them with an
    angry glare.


    Grumpy turns back and says,
    'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf
    nuns anywhere in the world?'


    The Pope, really confused by the
    questions says, 'I'm sorry, my
    son, there are no dwarf nuns
    anywhere in the world.'


    The other dwarfs collapse into a
    heap, rolling and laughing,
    pounding the floor, tears rolling
    down their cheeks, as they begin
    chanting......


    'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
    'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

[Billys Boots]

BLOND'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up...
Really excited.
 
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.
 
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
 
DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
 
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. He really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
 
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 2,600 lives. Twice.

[illdecide]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
                                            WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
                                           AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC  SECOND LINE:




                                        1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
                                           Marrying you has screwed up my life.

                                          2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
                                          That's why I always wake up screaming.

                                           3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
                                          This describes everything you are not.

                                       4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
                                      But I only slept with you 'cause I was p!ssed.

                                          5. I thought that I could love no other
                                           -- that is until I met your brother.

                            6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
                             But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
                                                empty and so is your head.

                                           7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
                                       But don't take that paper bag off your face.

                                      8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
                                              Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

                                           9. My love, you take my breath away.
                                        What have you stepped in to smell this way?

                                        10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
                                              Except for maybe 'Go to he!l.'

                                           11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
                                              Two parts vodka, one part lime.




                                                WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

[illdecide]

Pretty sure this was used b4 but couldn't be bothered checking...

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : £2.00�
HAMBURGER : £2.25�
CHEESEBURGER : £2.50�
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £3.50�
HAND JOB : £50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"



She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".