Corny One for Friday

illdecide · February 02, 2010, 11:06:17 AM

Capello's just phoned Wayne Bridge & said "I've just spoken to John Terry & he's lost the captains armband. Do me a favour and have a good look under your bed for me"!!!

illdecide · February 02, 2010, 11:07:47 AM

Magic Penis

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought

he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.. He went to a sex

shop

and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know

that

I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...

the Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be

an

ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started

pounding

away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so

much

so, that

a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis,

return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the

husband

had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She

undressed,

opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.' The penis shot to

her

crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering

orgasms,

she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to

pull

it out, but it was stuck.. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to

turn it

off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the

closest

hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over

the

road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He

asked

for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink

officer

You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't

stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,

'Yeah

right... Magic Penis, my ass...!'

The rest, as they say, is history...

illdecide · February 02, 2010, 11:08:50 AM

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said...
>
>
>
>
>
>
"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."

illdecide · February 02, 2010, 11:11:27 AM

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.

"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.

"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"

illdecide · February 02, 2010, 05:30:15 PM

A container full of 250,000 Rangers tops was returned by the people of Haiti with a note..."we have no homes, no food and no water but we still have our dignity"

illdecide · February 03, 2010, 03:47:02 PM

Saying there is a thread about Farting i thought this would raise a smile with a few of the lads...

The Perfect Dump.
Every once in a while, everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump.
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too Many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (a.k.a. the Japanese Flag).
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. This dump makes the bowl look like Hiroshima (after the bomb), it stays with you all day stinging your ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like a japanese flag.

The Empty Roll Dump.
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face... pull up your kecks, tighten your cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump.
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back.
Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump.
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do:

1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump.
Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16... damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump.
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:

1. Flush the toilet.
2. Drop loose change on the floor.
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.

The Cling-On Dump.
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little ba***rd just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors...

The Whole Roll Dump.
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times.

The Encore Dump.
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about To leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores...

The Houdini Dump.
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes, as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

Asal Mor · February 03, 2010, 03:54:35 PM

Celt_Man · February 03, 2010, 04:27:43 PM

Absolutely brillant!!!

illdecide · February 04, 2010, 02:07:45 PM

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.

Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said;

'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter,

'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked

'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

illdecide · February 04, 2010, 03:49:50 PM

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

---

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations"

but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?

---

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.

I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

---

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.

"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

---

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.

It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

---

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

---

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.

After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

---

Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?

The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.

---

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

---

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

---

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big

blue hair."

Celt_Man · February 04, 2010, 05:29:55 PM

A (TRANSFER DEADLINE) DAY IN THE LIFE OF ROBERT DAVID KEANE (AGED 29)

12pm: Get up and eat hearty Irish breakfast. It's going to be another long transfer deadline day chez Keane. I've been a massive fan of transfer deadline day all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin.

12.45pm: Mmm, that was tasty. I've been a massive fan of rashers, eggs, sausages, baked beans, black pudding, soda bread and black tea all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin.

1.30pm: Knock on lid of sunbed and ask Claudine where designer washbag is. She says she'll pack it for me when she's finished topping up her tan. She's been a massive fan of UV rays, going back to when she was a kid growing up in Dublin.

1.35pm: Check tabloid websites to see which teams I'm being linked with. Ooh! Sunderland and the Queen's Celtic. I haven't played for either before, but like Wolves, Coventry, Inter, Dirty Leeds, Spurs and Liverpool, I've been a massive fan of both clubs all my life, going back to when I was kid growing up in Dublin.

1.50pm: Print off template of stock unveiling speech that's served me so well down the years: "It's absolutely fantastic, a real dream come true for me. I've been a [insert team name in here] fan all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin, and I always had a [insert team name in here] shirt on my back. So, to be here now as a [insert team name in here] player is incredible and I couldn't be happier ..."

2pm: Mr 10% hasn't called, so knock on lid of sunbed to ask Claudine what I should do next. She says to check to see if there's any reporters from Sky Sports News standing shivering outside the house. I've been a massive fan of Sky Sports News all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin.

2.05pm: Dash to window and look, but can't see any reporters from Sky Sports News.

4pm: Remember to open curtains and see inquisitive face of shivering, microphone-wielding eejit in Sky Sports puffa jacket staring back at me. I've been a massive fan of Andy Burton all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin.

4.30pm: Get call from Mr 10% - the Queen's Celtic have come in for me!!! That's great news. I've been a massive fan of the Queen's Celtic all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin.

4.35pm: Get on AA route-finder. 401.4 miles!?!?!? I can't get there by the deadline at 5pm.

5.40pm: Ring Mr 10% to explain predicament. Apparently the transfer window in Scotland doesn't close until midnight, so I've time to get a flight. A flight? I've been a massive fan of flying all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin.

5.45pm: Knock on lid of sunbed and tell Claudine we're moving to Glasgow.

5.50pm: Orange arm emerges from sunbed holding Armani washbag containing cheese sandwiches and a Lucozade bottle full of cold tea. I've been a massive fan of packed lunch all my life going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin.

5.55pm: Leave house, step over frozen corpse of microphone-wielding man in Sky Sports puffa jacket. Drive to airport, get on plane.

9pm: Appear before press at Queen's Celtic Park wearing green and white hoops, the colours of Queen's Celtic who I've been a massive fan of all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin. "It's absolutely unbelievable. I always wanted to play for the [Queen's] Celtic and it works out well for both parties."

9.05pm: Check fixture list. Next up it's Kilmarnock away. I've been a massive fan of Kilma ... actually no, I've never heard of them

Celt_Man · February 04, 2010, 05:55:41 PM

Stevie Wonder is playing a gig and turns to the crowd asking if they have any requests.

An Asian guy at the front shouts "Pray a jazz chord". Surprised that the fan knows about his jazz background, Stevie plays out an amazing freestyle jazz rendition. Again, he turns to the crowd and is surprised the asian guy again shouts "Pray a jazz chord".

Stevie again plays another freestyle jazz song. he turns to the crowd again. the asian guy continues to shout "Pray a jazz chord! Pray a jazz chord!". Stevie asks, "I've just played 2! What more do you want?"

The Asian guy shouts "A jazz chord! You know? A jazz chord, to say a rove you..."

Celt_Man · February 04, 2010, 05:58:05 PM

A Cavan couple visit the Doctor and ask him to watch them having sex to see if they have a problem.
Sexually curious and a little aroused he agrees to it. He watches them have sex tells them he can see no problem and charges them €50 for his fee.
They come back every week to the doctor for a month for the same reason and every time he tells them he can see no problem.
After a month (when the thrill has gone out of it for him) the doctor asks why they keep coming back to him even though he repeatedly tells them they have no problems sexually.
The man explains to him....
"My wife will catch us if we go to my house....., Her husband will catch us if we go to hers......, The cheapest B&B around is €70.......
I give you €50.........
And Quinn Health Care gives me €43 back!!!!"

haranguerer · February 04, 2010, 08:29:17 PM

Quote from: illdecide on February 04, 2010, 03:49:50 PM
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door...

Best lot yet I'lldecide!!

illdecide · February 05, 2010, 04:11:34 PM

Police Complaint Letter
Police Complaint - just brilliant!

This is a genuine complaint to Strandtown Police Force from an angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Strandtown police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Strandtown, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Parkgate Crescent, which is just off Mersey Street Belfast.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. In fact, I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Police car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant

Mr

,
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC

?
Community Beat Officer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC

?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Srandtown Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Parkgate Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Belfast, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Holywood Road , or the one at Victoria Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Pollock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Great Eastern Pub.

Regards

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!