Corny One for Friday

[Billys Boots]

NOT ABOUT SEX ALERT - BEWARE!

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator... At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said.. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that the y belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow----

[illdecide]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
  The father realised the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly..

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
  coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

[illdecide]

A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."



The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, he?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit
Las Vegas."




" They go to
Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.


The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous
girl.
"And that


is how the girl ended up in
My room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

[illdecide]

It's just before Liverpool Man U game. Rooney goes into the united changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.



"What's up?" he asks.





"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Liverpool. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".



Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."



So Rooney goes out to play Liverpool by himself and the rest of the Man Utd team goes off for a few jars.





After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Liverpool 0 – Man Utd 1 (Rooney 10 minutes)". He is beating Liverpool all by himself!





Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.







"Result from the Anfield ... Liverpool 1 (Torres 89 minutes) – Man Utd 1 (Rooney 10minutes)".







They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Liverpool!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.





He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."









"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Liverpool, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"









"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

[Orior]

Very good illdecide.

Good use of space there too. Is that a Man U tactic?

[illdecide]

Very good illdecide.

Good use of space there too. Is that a Man U tactic?

Yes...your good Orior.

[illdecide]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father'.
The little boy replied, my Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.
The priest looked up from his book and answered, " I am the Father of many "
The boy said, my Daddy has 4 boys, 4 girls and 2 grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.
The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.
" Maybe you should wear a Condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.

[illdecide]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realised what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

  Give more.

Expect less
NOW ............

                  Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had  tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got  infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[illdecide]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[Denn Forever]

12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV

      1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava
      from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

      2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
      Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

      3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely
      horse. I once rode her mother."

      4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah,
      isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
      Cox of the Oxford crew."

      5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
      playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out
      his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

      6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
      Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

      7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
      snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob,
      where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did
      HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they
      were laughing so hard!

      8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
      today after a 69 yesterday."

      9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
      said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold
      night like this."

      10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
      Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
      gets."

      11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
      astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
      "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
      come in his shorts."

      12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
      Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes
      to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

[illdecide]

A lion was in its enclosure at the zoo, basking in the sun and licking its hole.

"That's a very docile animal," a visitor remarks to the keeper.

"Not at all" says the keeper, "that lion is the most ferocious beast in the entire zoo. Just one hour ago, the lion grabbed an English tourist, sadistically toyed with him at length and then completely devoured him.

"That's difficult to believe," said the bewildered visitor, "why is he just sitting there ignoring us and licking its arse then?"


"Poor bastard is trying to get the taste out of his mouth"
replied the keeper

[illdecide]

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..
On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!
 
All Seniors Aren't Senile

[illdecide]

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience. 
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this: 

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% 


And


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But , 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work  and  Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude  will get you there, its the Bullshit   and  Ass kissing  that will put you over the top. 



'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE
ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS
ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM' 

[football-4-life]

what goes 12 33 50 62 79?

a postmans round in haiti

[Orior]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"