Corny One for Friday

[DrinkingHarp]

Three Vampires walk into a bar. The bartender approaches the first Vampire, what can I get ya? The first Vampire replies " I'll have a bloody Mary". The bartender nods his head and says that makes sense. Goes to the second Vampire "what will ya have?" The second Vampire says "I'll have a bloody Mary also." Bartender mumbles again to himself "sure, makes sense."
The bartender approaches the third Vampire and says "let me guess a bloody Mary?" The third Vampire answers "no just a cup of hot water" as he pulls out a used tampon and states "i am having tea."

[High Wide and Handsome]

Fuckin clean rank harp!

[illdecide]

Dear Friends

  Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you
  have forwarded over the year.

  I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in
  the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
  envelope that needs sealing.

  Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.


  I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny
  Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But
  that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are
  sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the
  senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars
  with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died
  intestate.

  I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
  for me.

  I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to
  seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink
  Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

  I can no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car
  so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no
  longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume
  sample and rob me.

  I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
  and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore
  and Uzbekistan . I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
  African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
  it bites my bum.

  I can't even pick up the £5 I found dropped in the car park because it
  probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to
  grab my leg.

  If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
  minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will crap on your head at 5:00pm
  tomorrow afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
  causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually
  happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's
  second husband's cousin's beautician.

  By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
  discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read
  their emails while holding the mouse.

  Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

  Regards,
  Your friend

[illdecide]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this
  happened to be one of those occasions.

  Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

  'Hold on a minute! ', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

  'This is my lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!' So, the Pope offered to buy the camera

  from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

  The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

  Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

  Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost
  you?'

  Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, '....two million dollars...'

  'TWO MILLION DOLLARS! ' replied the housekeeper, 'They must have seen you coming!

[illdecide]

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES
>
> A family is at the dinner table. The son
> asks his father,
>
> 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
>
> The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son,
> there are three kinds of Boobs:
>
> In her 20's, a woman's are like melons,
> round and firm.
>
> In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears,
> still nice but hanging a bit.
>
> After 50, they are like onions'.
>
> 'Onions?'
>
> 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
>
> This infuriated his wife and daughter so the
> daughter said,
> 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.
>
> The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
>
> 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
> In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree,
> mighty and hard.
> In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch,
> flexible but reliable.
> After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
>
> 'A Christmas tree?'
>
> 'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are
> just for decoration.'

[illdecide]

It was Christmas Eve and a man was about to throw
himself off the roof of a ten-story building. His
attractive wife had left him for a younger man, he'd
lost his job and he owed thousands of pounds to the
bank. Just as he was screwing himself up to jump,
Father Christmas tapped him on the shoulder.

"Are you OK?" asked Santa solicitously.

The man explained why he was so miserable and prepared
to jump.

"Stop!" shouted Santa. "It's Christmas - I'll grant
you three wishes to solve your problems on the
understanding that you will grant me a small favour in
return!"

"Would you?" the man replied hopefully. "That would be wonderful!
Thank you, thank you!"

Santa promised him:

"You shall go home in one hour and your wife will be
dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for
forgiveness and longing for your return, and she will
have forgotten all about her new lover."

"You'll go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and
still have your job. Your salary will have increased
by 50% and nobody will have any recollection of your
sacking."

"Then you'll go to your bank and discover you're ten
thousand pounds in credit with no outstanding bills."

"Oh thank you, thank you!" said the man. "What do you
want me to do in return?"

"Drop your pants and bend over!"

The man reluctantly complied. After quite a brutal
rogering, which made the man's eyes water, Santa
zipped up his pants and asked the man how old he was.

"Thirty-six." replied the man.

"Ho, ho, ho! You're a bit too old to believe in Father Christmas aren't
you?" chuckled the fat, gay b@stard in fancy dress.

[illdecide]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[illdecide]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash, twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and re fuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

[Celt_Man]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash, twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and re fuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

Classic!!!

[illdecide]

Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.



Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before a  sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.




While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.



We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks.

Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

[illdecide]

THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.  "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her Virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a Flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"


"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

[illdecide]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...



The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.


"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.


"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang.' Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said  "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[illdecide]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address or postcode. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:


Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is my birthday, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope..
Please help me?
Sincerely, Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
A few days later, another letter came addressed to God and in the same hand. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:


Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna

[illdecide]

 A 54 year old woman had a heart attack
>
> and was taken to the hospital.
>
> While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
>
> Seeing God she asked " Is my time up ?"
>
> God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
>
> Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
>
> and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.
>
> She even had someone come in and change her hair colour
>
> and brighten her teeth !
>
> Since she had so much more time to live,
>
> she figured she might as well make the most of it.
>
> After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
>
> While crossing the street on her way home,
>
> she was killed by an ambulance.
>
> Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
>
> "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
>
> Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance ?"
>
> And God replied: (You'll love this) .
>
> *
>
> *
>
> *
>
> *
>
> *
>
> *
> "I didn't recognize you"

[illdecide]

 This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.   


'A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:   

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?" 

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"   

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste." 
"Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.   

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.   

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."   

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me..   

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."   

"Oh, really!  What'd he say ?"   


He said: "Who  ballsed  up your hair?"