Corny One for Friday

ballinaman · December 04, 2009, 11:23:54 AM

The wife just told me that yesterday Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his resin into her crack - I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't even got a fcuk**g car!!!

Whats the hardest thing about roller blading?..... Telling your parents that you are gay.....

Onion Bag · December 08, 2009, 11:41:41 AM

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower abdomen.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.

Onion Bag · December 09, 2009, 03:46:52 PM

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this
guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot
of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he
tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong,
honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong.

I love you, too.'

High Wide and Handsome · December 11, 2009, 04:55:43 PM

Got this message in work today and nearly pissed myself laughing.

Liverpool's midfielder Lucas has been named the worst Brazilian since David Blunkett shaved his wife's fanny.

Clinical!

Orior · December 11, 2009, 05:01:36 PM

Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on December 11, 2009, 04:55:43 PM
Got this message in work today and nearly pissed myself laughing.

Liverpool's midfielder Lucas has been named the worst Brazilian since David Blunkett shaved his wife's fanny.

Clinical!

I suppose Blunkett thinks his wife works in the fishmongers

omagh_gael · December 11, 2009, 05:58:32 PM

What did the gypsy say when his girlfriend broke up with him? Can we still be cousins?

flantheman82 · December 11, 2009, 08:05:07 PM

Two gypsys got married.
On their wedding night the bride said to the groom, 'be gentle with me, I'm a virgin'.
Upon hearing this the groom run lifted his phone to phone his da.
'da', he said, 'my new wife's a virgin'.
'pack your bags and get back home right away son' said the da. ' if she's not good enough for her own family, she's not good enough for ours.

illdecide · December 17, 2009, 02:51:37 PM

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
> turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
> children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
> dismissal.
>
> Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
> leave early today."
>
> Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
> and will answer the question."
>
> Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
>
> Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
>
> Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
>
> Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
>
> Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
>
> Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
>
> Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
>
> Johnny is even madder than before.
>
> Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
>
> Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
>
> Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
>
> Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
> questions.
>
> When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
> keep their mouths shut!"
>
> The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
>
> Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

illdecide · December 17, 2009, 03:41:19 PM

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I have deduced a lot about you & I've even told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well, then you're a w**ker.............

tyrone girl · December 17, 2009, 03:49:57 PM

Where the feck have u been?

illdecide · December 17, 2009, 04:13:39 PM

Quote from: tyrone girl on December 17, 2009, 03:49:57 PM
Where the feck have u been?

It's a long long story...and something happened that i'm not proud of but i'm back (for a while anyway)

illdecide · December 17, 2009, 04:33:22 PM

While walking through Hindmarsh square in Adelaide , a man came upon another
> man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
>
> Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you
> doing?'
>
> 'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
>
> 'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
>
>
>
> 'No, would you like to give it a try?'
>
> Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms
> around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
>
> With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
> wallet, jewelery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
>
>
> Two hours later someone strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree
> stark naked, and asked,
> 'What the hell happened to you?'
>
> He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
>
> When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
> sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind
>
> the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

laceer · December 17, 2009, 05:03:08 PM

New Irish version of The Exorcist is being made..they hire the devil to get the priest out of the young boy

5 Sams · December 17, 2009, 09:52:58 PM

Quote from: High Wide and Handsome on December 11, 2009, 04:55:43 PM
Got this message in work today and nearly pissed myself laughing.

Liverpool's midfielder Lucas has been named the worst Brazilian since David Blunkett shaved his wife's fanny.

Clinical!

Excellent

JUst retired · December 18, 2009, 08:15:24 AM

In Ontario after a day of heavy snow, a report came on the TV asking would the people who lived in even numbered houses park their cars on the left side of the road to allow easy passage for the snow ploughs during the night.
The next night the report said would people who lived in odd numbers park on the right side of the road.
After more heavy snow the next night, Just as the report started, the power went out.
Wife says to husband,Now where do I park the car to-night?
Husband answers, Why not just leave it in the bloody garage!