Corny One for Friday

[cokers]

How do you know ET was a protestant?
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Cos he looked like one!

[Onion Bag]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.  Den I come.  Den two asses come together.  I come
once-a-more!  Two asses, they come together again.  I come again and
pee twice.  Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,  "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed
pig,"  she retorted indignantly.

"In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex
lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
' Mississippi '."
 

[Onion Bag]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry
says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies
in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.


The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the
top of the Connor  Pass.. 


At the Connor  Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'


He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.


Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'



THERE'S MORE....



Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.


He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.


He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.


Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'



IT IS NOT OVER YET....


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing
two friends when Sean appears.


He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.


Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and
hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.


Once more Paddy shakes his head.


'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

[offtheground]

It is the 3rd Sunday in September in a pub in Dungloe.
A crowd is in watching the AI final as the Kerry/Cork game comes to an end when
an American tourist walks in and watches the remainder of the game with them.
Kerry duly wins and Darren O'Sullivan is presented with the Sam Maguire.
The American tourist is absolutely fascinated with the scenes of jubilation and
the Sam Maguire Cup.
Jeeeez, he says, 'that looks awesome, who all competes for that cup?'
'All 32 counties in Ireland', replies the Dungloe man.
'Who has won it the most often', asks the American.
'Between ourselves and Kerry', responds the Dungloe man, 'we have won it 37
times'

[Orior]

A comparison between Drug Dealers and Software Developers
======================================

Drug Dealers: Refer to their clients as "users".
Software Developers: Refer to their clients as "users".

Drug Dealers: "The first one's free!"
Software Developers: "Download a free trial version..."

Drug Dealers: Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff)
Software Developers: Have important South-East Asian connections(to help debug the code)

Strange jargon:

	Stick	-	SCSI
	Rock	-	RTFM
	Wrap	-	Packet
	E	-	C
	Stash	-	Cache
	Drive by	-	CRTL ALT & DEL
	Hit (LSD)	-	Hit (Web)
	Source	-	Source Code

Drug Dealers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.                           
Software Developers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the14- to 25-year-old market.

Drug Dealers: Your clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill you..
Software Developers: Your clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill you

Drug Dealers: Job is assisted by the industry producing newer, more potent product.
Software Developers: Job is assisted by the industry producing newer, more potent products.

Drug Dealers: Often seen in the company of pimps, hustlers and low-lifes.
Software Developers: Often seen in the company of marketing people, venture capitalists and fund managers.

Drug Dealers: When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away but may be expensive.
Software Developers: When things go wrong, a"fix" is just a phone call away but may be expensive

Drug Dealers: A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers
Software Developers: A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers

Drug Dealers: Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
Software Developers: DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D...

Drug Dealers: Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Software Developers: Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

[omagh_gael]

Man drivin down road. Woman drivin up same road.They pass each other.Man shouts out window FUCKIN BIG FAT COW Woman yells out window p***k! Woman turns round corner crashes into a huge cow and dies. Moral of the story?

If only women would listen!

[ballinaman]

Whats the definition of a chancer??

A person who has diarrhoea who chances a fart.

[Orior]

A Cowboy's Guide to Life...

•   Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
•   Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
•   Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
•   Keep skunks and bankers and Lawyers at a distance.
•   Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
•   A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
•   Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
•   Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
•   Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
•   Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
•   Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
•   It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
•   You cannot unsay a cruel word.
•   Every path has a few puddles.
•   When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
•   The best sermons are lived, not preached.
•   Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
•   Don't squat down with your spurs on.
•   Don't judge people by their relatives.
•   Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
•   Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
•   Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering' you none.
•   Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
•   It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
•   The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
•   If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
•   If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
•   It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
•   Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
•   The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
•   If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
•   Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
•   Only cows know why they stampede.
•   Always drink upstream from the herd.
•   If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
•   Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
•   Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
•   You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'till they get thumped'.
•   Never, Never, miss a good opportunity to shut up.
•   May you always discover some moments, gifts of time in each new day, which are meant for only you....to think, to dream, to play.

[RMDrive]

A Cowboy's Guide to Life...

•   Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
•   Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
•   Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
•   Keep skunks and bankers and Lawyers at a distance.
•   Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
•   A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
•   Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
•   Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
•   Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
•   Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
•   Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
•   It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
•   You cannot unsay a cruel word.
•   Every path has a few puddles.
•   When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
•   The best sermons are lived, not preached.
•   Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
•   Don't squat down with your spurs on.
•   Don't judge people by their relatives.
•   Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
•   Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
•   Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering' you none.
•   Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
•   It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
•   The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
•   If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
•   If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
•   It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
•   Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
•   The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
•   If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
•   Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
•   Only cows know why they stampede.
•   Always drink upstream from the herd.
•   If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
•   Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
•   Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
•   You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'till they get thumped'.
•   Never, Never, miss a good opportunity to shut up.
•   May you always discover some moments, gifts of time in each new day, which are meant for only you....to think, to dream, to play.

In fairness more Brokeback Mountain than a Fist Full of Dollars.

[Bud Wiser]

Teacher says to Kevin "If you gave you two rabbits and two rabbits and two rabbits how many rabbits would you have?"   Seven Sir says Kevin.   
Teacher, "No, listen again, if I gave you two rabbits and two rabbits and two rabbits how many woulkd you have?
Kevin says "Seven Sir"
Teacher says, " right, listen, if I gave you two apples and two apples and two apples how many apples how many would you have.
Kevin says "Six Sir"
Teacher says "Now, right, if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and two rabbits how many rabbits would you have ?
Kevin- "Seven Sir"
Teacher says "Where the f**k do you get seven from???"
Kevin says, "Because I foking have one at home"

[Orior]

A man does to his doctor and says "I feel like i'm a jelly baby"

And the doctor ate the face of him.

[full back]

Following some additions to this thread, illdecide could be be called a comic genius......

[5 Sams]

http://www.snopes.com/politics/crime/congress.asp

[Declan]

Only  22 days till Christmas...... Here's your first Joke!!

2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ' And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

[armaghniac]

The nice thing about Christmas is that it is always the same, even last years jokes are recycled.