Corny One for Friday

[Hoof Hearted]

who is the coolest member of staff in a hospital ?

the ultra-sound guy !

[gallsman]

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Was that not a Bob Hope joke, with poker instead of bridge?

[illdecide]

Why did God give women legs...


Because he seen the mess slugs made

[High Wide and Handsome]

Why did God give women legs...


Because he seen the mess slugs made

ILLDECIE. GET A BETTER ONE ON HERE NOW!

[illdecide]

Sorry Handsome...thats was pretty crop

[ziggysego]

I once got rightly chastised by a member of the PC brigade when I asked, "What do you call a dwarf in a cement mixer?" Ans: A wee hard man. This boy was horrified and said I was being 'dwarfist' ...like what the f**? 

@sshole 

[High Wide and Handsome]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[Caid]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[Declan]

I've been diagnosed with gammon flu - I originally had swine flu but I went to hospital and they cured me.

[Doogie Browser]

This one made me chuckle, I am part Donegal anyway (my mother's county) and I now live there.

Little Known Facts about "Dear Old Donegal"
(Especially Aimed At THE IGNORANTS Who Think The Following:)

1- Donegal is the most northernly county in Ireland true, but we ARE NOT part of Northern Ireland.

2- At school, we did Junior and Leaving Cert's...NOT 11 plus', GCSE or A-levels!

3- We DO NOT use sterling as our official currency.

4- Our car licence plates are like
eg: "06-DL-1234" and NOT "YIBA 7HA99"

5- Contrary to what some Dub's think, we DO get a clear 2fm signal.

6- We DO get TV3.

7- We sell and drink BULMERS, not MAGNERS!

8- Our nightclubs DO stay open past 1:30am unlike the north.

9- "Aye","wee","staysh","yon" are all perfectly good forms of the English language.

10- Yes, we did win the All-Ireland once (1992 was not the stone-age either)and been in 2 of the last 3 Ulster Finals!

11- There is nothing wrong in being from a county where accents vary dramatically from Ballyshannon to Letterkenny to Buncrana to Gweedore to Glenswilly to Glencolmcille.

12- Dunfanaghy is pronounced "Dun fan a hee", NOT "Dun fonn a gee!"

13- Ardara is pronounced "Ard Ra" NOT "Are Dara!"

14- We dont' not shag sheep and ride our cousins.... bar Glenswilly.

15- So what if Newtoncunningham is all just one big inbred family.

16- MacCumhaill Park in Ballybofey is NOT named after Fionn MacCumhaill.

17- Rory Delap of Letterkenny and Gary Doherty of Carndonagh are not our favourite sons when it comes to what we gave to the Ireland soccer team.

18- Nor is Mickey Joe Harte of Lifford when it came to the Eurovision in 2003.

19- Yes we do have a townland in the north of the county called Muff and then Killybegs actually smells like one!

20- We gave the world Daniel O'Donnell, Packie Bonner, Enya, Shay Given and McDaid's Football Special drink....what has your county done!!!

[no mo do yakamo]

who is the coolest member of staff in a hospital ?

the ultra-sound guy !

And when he's not there???
The hip replacement guy!!

[5 Sams]

Another Classisc from Overheard in Dublin

Was drinking in Temple Bar and went outside for smoke. I spotted two guards across the street collaring two teens.

Guard: "in accordance with the law, I'm now going to search you for drugs. Before I start, do you have anything on you, you shouldnt have?"

One of the teens replied: "Yeah, me brother's shoes"

[longrunsthefox]

I once got rightly chastised by a member of the PC brigade when I asked, "What do you call a dwarf in a cement mixer?" Ans: A wee hard man. This boy was horrified and said I was being 'dwarfist' ...like what the f**? 

@sshole 

Fuc you Zig! I thot I'd offended you there for a minute 

[Billys Boots]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

''OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

'Your f*ck*ng brother won't let me in without a tie!'

[heganboy]

http://pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=764056&mid=0&i=0&nmt=Comic%20pictures%20thread&mid=0

maybe the funniest thread in a long time