Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

Subject:
> Misunderstanding
>
>
> The
> lesbians next door
> asked me what I would like for my birthday.
> 
>
>
> I
> was quite surprised
> when they gave me a Rolex.   
>
>
> It
> was very nice of
> them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
> "I wanna
> watch."

[dodo]

Subject: The Bathtub Test ...

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

    "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"       

    ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
                           

[illdecide]

Men's Pearls of Wisdom:

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8.. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......

15.. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't..

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!


Prob get banned now

[Orior]

Apparently.....
These  Questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the  actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of  humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!) 


__________________________________________________ 
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I  have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A:  We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. 
________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to  see kangaroos in the street? ( USA ) 
A:Depends  how much you've been drinking. 
________________________________________________
Q:I want to walk from  Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (  Sweden  ) 
A:  Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. 
_________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs  (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list  of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (  UK  ) 
A:  What did your last slave die of? 
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you give me  some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (  USA  ) 
A: A-Fri-ca is the big  triangle shaped continent south of Europe  .....
Aus-tra-lia is that big  island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
.... Oh  forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come  naked.
__________________________________________________ 
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ?  (USA )

A:  Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll  send the rest of the directions. 
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery  into Australia ? (  UK ) 
A:Why?  Just use your fingers like we do... 
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the  Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (  USA ) 
A:  Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh  forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings  Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. 
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high  heels in Australia ? (  UK  ) 
A:  You are a British politician, right? 
__________________________________________________
Q:Are there  supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?  ( Germany  ) 
A:  No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is  illegal.
________ __________________________________________
Q:Please send a list  of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense  rattlesnake serum. ( USA  ) 
A:  Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All  Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good  pets.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have a question  about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name.  It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA  ) 
A:  It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees  and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them  off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. 
__________________________________________________
Q:I have developed a  new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it  in Australia ?  (USA  ) 
A:  Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. 
__________________________________________________
Q:Do you celebrate  Christmas in Australia ?  (France  ) 
A:  Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________ 
Q: Will I be able to  speak English most places I go? ( USA  ) 
A:  Yes, but you'll have to learn it first 

[illdecide]

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[vav]

 

[Archie Mitchell]

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Instructions from SidelineKick 

[Archie Mitchell]

This one is for Pints

A black man starts work on a building site. The other workers nickname him, 'Wog'. Feeling upset about this, he tells his foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got Mick and Paddy, their Irish, Wac from Liverpool and Mac from Scotland." The black man was still not happy. So the foreman shouts over to his men " Mick, Mack, Paddy, Wac leave the Wog alone!"

[Archie Mitchell]

Not much wrong with that, I've read worse on here. Pints is just after saying on another thread that certain people should be shot. Sure the mods can conact me if there is any issue.

[Treasurer]

This one is for Pints

A black man starts work on a building site. The other workers nickname him, 'Wog'. Feeling upset about this, he tells his foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got Mick and Paddy, their Irish, Wac from Liverpool and Mac from Scotland." The black man was still not happy. So the foreman shouts over to his men " Mick, Mack, Paddy, Wac leave the Wog alone!"

It's one thing to tell a joke that some may find offensive, when no offence is actually intended, but when the intention to offend is actually stated, it's just low.

[Archie Mitchell]

He said he hadn't heard a joke like that before, so I decided to post it to show what I meant by racist jokes. It's a light hearted joke, I wasn't going to post something stupid now. Surely most jokes would be deemed offensive anyway.

[Archie Mitchell]

I'm not sure, I can find out for you. Maybe he was fond of the waccy baccy?

[Treasurer]

He said he hadn't heard a joke like that before, so I decided to post it to show what I meant by racist jokes. It's a light hearted joke, I wasn't going to post something stupid now. Surely most jokes would be deemed offensive anyway.

Oh silly me, how could I possibly have thought you were just trying to stir it again.

[longrunsthefox]

I once got rightly chastised by a member of the PC brigade when I asked, "What do you call a dwarf in a cement mixer?" Ans: A wee hard man. This boy was horrified and said I was being 'dwarfist' ...like what the f**? 

[Archie Mitchell]

LOL, that's a brilliant joke fox

Is that an apology then Treasurer?